- 8 years ago
I’m new here and I think I am losing my mind. I am 33 years old. I am divorced, with a 7 year old son from my previous marriage. Three years ago I had a terrible life experience. I don’t like to share the details, but it involved a sexual assault, and as a result of the assault I got pregnant and placed the baby for adoption. Hate talking about it, that’s not what I’m here to discuss.
Anyway, during the pregnancy, I lost EVERYTHING. Couldn’t work, my credit went to hell, etc. etc. I was totally prepared to spend the rest of my life alone. I was depressed beyond words, working a crap job and living in a rented room. I went from having everything in the world to literally having nothing.
Last August (2009) I reconnected with my friend from grade school. He was an annoying dork in Kindergarten and our parents used to make us play together, but he turned out pretty well . At the time we lived in different states. I guess it is important to mention that he has done really well for himself and is very established in his career. He has never been married, and never really been in a serious relationship.
I fell in love, and fell in love quick. We travelled every weekend to see each other – we didn’t miss a weekend together in over a year. He helped me a lot financially without me ever asking for a thing. He treats my son wonderfully, and he and my ex-husband even get along. We even all stayed at the beach together this summer – some people think it’s weird, but it works for us, so whatever.
I moved in with him 2 months ago. Of course I had to move states, which was a big change. I went from living in a not great neighborhood/apartment to living in a luxury high rise in NY on the water. He even got me referred for a great job with one of the Big Four – I have my final inteview next Tuesday.
So far, he keeps telling me we are not ready for marriage. He wants me to have an estalished career and money saved so we can plan our future together. It pisses me off, because he knows I have had all of that, it’s not my fault I lost it all. I do of course understand the importance of having a stable financial situation before marriage. But I have also seen how easily it can come and go due to things in the world that you can’t control, and because I have lived with nothing, I can see that the most important thing in the world is love and the people in your life. I understand why he may not want to get married today, but when I brought it up last night and told him I feel like he is not committed to me, he said he wants me to get the job, establish myself and continue dealing with the emotional reprecussions of what I have been through before we get engaged. I asked him how long he seriously thougt it would be before an engagement and he said a YEAR!
Am I being psycho? From the outside, it looks to people like I have it all and a great relationship, but I want the committment from him. I want another baby, and I don’t think that he understands how important committment is. I know I can’t pressure him, but do any of you think that him expecting me to wait another year at our age is a little weird? Everywhere we go, we are the only ones not married and having kids. I literally cry when we goplaces – even dinner parties make me sad. I feel like I am less than the other women because they were “good enough” to deserve a ring and committment. Everytime someone else announces their pregnancy (his three sisters are pregnant now) I cry for hours. I cry in the bathroom at weddings, I cry when we get wedding invitations. I feel so unwanted and disposable. I don’t know how to deal with this feeling. Most women would be thrilled to have the life that I have right now, but I would give all the material away just to have that committment from him.
Not that I’m counting, but we have been dating for 14 months.
Any advice please? I don’t want to pressure him, but I don’t want him to think I will stay forever with no wedding date.