(Closed) Advice Please. Losing My Mind Here!

posted 7 years ago in Waiting
Post # 1
Member
6 posts
Newbee

Hi Everyone,

I’m new here and I think I am losing my mind.  I am 33 years old.  I am divorced, with a 7 year old son from my previous marriage.  Three years ago I had a terrible life experience.  I don’t like to share the details, but it involved a sexual assault, and as a result of the assault I got pregnant and placed the baby for adoption.  Hate talking about it, that’s not what I’m here to discuss.

Anyway, during the pregnancy, I lost EVERYTHING.  Couldn’t work, my credit went to hell, etc. etc.  I was totally prepared to spend the rest of my life alone.  I was depressed beyond words, working a crap job and living in a rented room.  I went from having everything in the world to literally having nothing.

Last August (2009) I reconnected with my friend from grade school.  He was an annoying dork in Kindergarten and our parents used to make us play together, but he turned out pretty well Wink.  At the time we lived in different states.  I guess it is important to mention that he has done really well for himself and is very established in his career.  He has never been married, and never really been in a serious relationship.

I fell in love, and fell in love quick.  We travelled every weekend to see each other – we didn’t miss a weekend together in over a year.  He helped me a lot financially without me ever asking for a thing.  He treats my son wonderfully, and he and my ex-husband even get along.  We even all stayed at the beach together this summer – some people think it’s weird, but it works for us, so whatever.

I moved in with him 2 months ago.  Of course I had to move states, which was a big change.   I went from living in a not great neighborhood/apartment to living in a luxury high rise in NY on the water.  He even got me referred for a great job with one of the Big Four – I have my final inteview next Tuesday.

So far, he keeps telling me we are not ready for marriage.  He wants me to have an estalished career and money saved so we can plan our future together.  It pisses me off, because he knows I have had all of that, it’s not my fault I lost it all.  I do of course understand the importance of having a stable financial situation before marriage.  But I have also seen how easily it can come and go due to things in the world that you can’t control, and because I have lived with nothing, I can see that the most important thing in the world is love and the people in your life.  I understand why he may not want to get married today, but when I brought it up last night and told him I feel like he is not committed to me, he said he wants me to get the job, establish myself and continue dealing with the emotional reprecussions of what I have been through before we get engaged.  I asked him how long he seriously thougt it would be before an engagement and he said a YEAR!

Am I being psycho?  From the outside, it looks to people like I have it all and a great relationship, but I want the committment from him.  I want another baby, and I don’t think that he understands how important committment is.  I know I can’t pressure him, but do any of you think that him expecting me to wait another year at our age is a little weird?  Everywhere we go, we are the only ones not married and having kids.  I literally cry when we goplaces – even dinner parties make me sad.  I feel like I am less than the other women because they were “good enough” to deserve a ring and committment.  Everytime someone else announces their pregnancy (his three sisters are pregnant now) I cry for hours.  I cry in the bathroom at weddings, I cry when we get wedding invitations.  I feel so unwanted and disposable.  I don’t know how to deal with this feeling.  Most women would be thrilled to have the life that I have right now, but I would give all the material away just to have that committment from him.

Not that I’m counting, but we have been dating for 14 months.

Any advice please?  I don’t want to pressure him, but I don’t want him to think I will stay forever with no wedding date.

Post # 3
Member
1253 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I think you have received alot of committment from him, although not in the form of an engagement ring. He invested in your future by helping you land an amazing job interview. He is obviously committed to you and your life together. I think he just wants to know that you guys are in the best possible place before you get angaged and married. There has to be a strong platform to build a marriage on and you have been through some very traumatic things in your life. I think it’s sweet that he cares about your emotional wellbeing, you said you cry when you go places, even dinner parties make you sad. I am not a doctor by any means, but IMO you seem very fragile right now and I think it is totally fair to wait before getting engaged. Wedding stress isn’t fun!!!

Post # 4
Member
6 posts
Newbee

Bostonsmom, I think deep down I know you are right.  Because of his position in life, I have been able to experience in the past year things I have never experienced before.  He is alays supportive and loving.  I think deep down the problem is my fear of abandonment.  Deep down I know he is committed to the relationship, I just can’t get over the feeling of not being “good enough” right now to be his wife.

Post # 5
Member
529 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

@Karen33: I’ll have to disagree a bit with Bostonmom and say that one year is too long a wait.  I would counter propose getting engaged in 6 months. Do I sound cold and unromantic? I’m sorry, but that’s how your man sounds right now.

I am 38 and know exactly how you feel. I am so happy that you were blessed with at least one child. I am still waiting.

Your man was your friend first, so it’s not like you are strangers to each other. It actually sounds like he knows you better than anyone.

He’s already done the “for better or for worse” with you. I hope he steps up to the plate in less than a year.

Post # 6
Member
1269 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

do you really need marriage? you have it all there.  Use this time to reestablish yourself. Get the job, get credit, put money in the bank.  Discuss a prenupt when YOU have something to protect and you will be more equal partners.  Without those steps you will feel inferior- and fearful.  Get stronger in yourself, with the support of a great guy. But be strong in yourself FIRST

Post # 7
Member
714 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@Karen33:  Honestly?  I think you’re being unreasonable and rushing things and that your actions could be pushing him away and making him more reluctant. 

First, you’ve only been together 14 months.  That’s not long at all.  No, I don’t think waiting another year is at all unreasonable of him nor is it unreasonable of him to want you to have a good job and some money saved.  He sounds like a smart guy with your best interests at heart. 

Look at it this way, he didn’t wait this long to get married just to rush into a situation he’s (and perhaps both of you) are not ready for.  If you feel like he is an honorable guy with honorable intentions (and it sounds like he is) what are you worried about?  I’m sure the other women you meet who are married all didn’t get engaged after 14 months and even if they did, so what?  Also, I think you have to ask yourself if you’re getting married to be a wife or to be a mother?  You are putting a lot on this guy very, very soon into the relationship – I think you need to back off. 

Post # 8
Member
6 posts
Newbee

@ItalianLady:  I know I should be more grateful for what I do have.  By him waiting, he is decreasing his own chances for having a child.  I have one and have delivered two…. Not having more would not be a devastating even for me, though I would like to have another.  But that is part of what aggravates me.  I know he wants children.  I don’t know how long he thinks I will wait before I tie my tubes.  I refuse to have one in high school and one in diapers.  I’ve tried to explain to him that the baby factory will get shut down at some point, but I don’t think he knows I really will do it.  My last pregnancy was not a good or healthy one and the baby was premature because of it, so I have already been forewarned that my next pregnancy will be high risk automatically because of my history, and that age will make it more complicated.  I don’t feel like he understands that.

Post # 9
Member
6 posts
Newbee

@lisa105: Thank you for your blunt answer.  I think I know I am being a bit unreasonable, but I definitely need to hear it from other people.  It’s funny, you echo pretty much exactly everything he said to me last night.  Ughhh, I just think way too much.

Post # 10
Member
6 posts
Newbee

@retreadbride:  Thank you.  I know you are right, and I do need to hear this stuff from other people sometimes.  I need to be better at appreciating what I do have.

Post # 11
Member
529 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

@Karen33: Oh hon, I’m sorry you are upset.

Why not at least get engaged though? I think planning the wedding and setting a date would be wonderful for you. I know you can’t rush a man, but I kinda rushed mine in the sense that I told him the later we get married the older I will be when we try to conceive. He wants children too so it wasn’t hard for him to understand.

Post # 12
Member
141 posts
Blushing bee

I agree that I wouldn’t panic about it (or I’d try not to!).  It sounds like you have a good guy, and as others said, it’s only been a little more than a year.  I bet when he says things like “establish yourself” it’s because he wants you to be well and confident before you take the next step.  I think he’s just worried about YOU – not him.

And it’s not a bad idea.  I can’t imagine what you must have been through, and it was only a few years ago.  You’re still recovering!  He may want children, but it sounds like he wants you (happy and healthy) more.  If the factory shuts down, it shuts down.  I don’t mean that in a cold way – I mean you can’t be beholden to those kinds of timetables.  Things just take as long as they take, you know?

Are you still in therapy?  If so, I would bring up these feelings there to work through them.  If not, I think you should be (coming from someone in therapy herself!)

Hope this helps…

Post # 13
Member
1893 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I know how you feel.  I’ll be 33 in a few weeks and was getting a little crazy with my Fiance to propose.  I desperately want children and am terrified I’ll be too old when we start trying (I don’t believe in purposefully having children before marriage.  If you’re not committed enough to marry, you’re not committed enough to have a child together.) My Fiance ended up proposing to me after a year, so I’m not quite sure what I would’ve done if he had told me I’d have to wait another year.

Despite what I’ve stated above, however, I DO think that you’re being a bit unreasonable.  You are clearly in a fragile state and I wonder if you’re not avoiding some of your own issues by trying to convince yourself that your own unhappiness is because of him not proposing.  You can’t rely on someone else for your happiness,  you’ve got to be ok with yourself first.  Crying in the bathroom at weddings and dinner parties isn’t normal for a woman who’s been with her bf a little over ONE year.  It’s not a healthy mindset.  Also, you have a child, already.  I get that you want more, but it’s not like your only opportunity for motherhood is slipping through your fingers with no rescue in sight.

I’m afraid your actions will inevitably drive him away.  You’re coming across as very clingy, insecure and needy.  These are things your Boyfriend or Best Friend cannot fix for you, you’ve got to fix them yourself.  Therapy is the first step.  Individual, though, not couples.  You’ve got to work on yourself before you can be an equal partner with someone else.

 

Post # 14
Member
6 posts
Newbee

@lezlers: You are so right.  That’s all I can say.  Thank you everyone for your blunt answers, I appreciate it more than you know.  I am in therapy, and scarily, have come along way.  you don’t want to imagine what kind of trainwreck I was three years ago LOL.

Post # 15
Member
290 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

My heart goes out to you of all the tragic events in your life. But I am so happy that life turned around for you.

Based solely on your post, I think that your boyfriend is not unreasonable to ask for 1 more year. Lets recap the facts:

1) Relationship: You were in a long distance relationship for 1 year and only 2 months ago moved to be with him- I hate to write this but long distance relationships are not the same as having a relationship in the same city. You are in the adjustment period. You will learn new things about your boyfriend that you would never learn if you were still living several states apart from him. Take the time to get to know him. Based on personal experience, you need 1 year in close proximity to know the person really well.

2) Job: Don’t you want him to know you as a strong independent woman with a career? Studies show that the number 1 thing that a man is looking in a woman is confidence. Don’t you want to show him, that you are more than capable to stand on YOUR OWN 2 FEET? When that happens, he will see you as an equal partner and not someone who is solely dependent on him. Once you have your career going, your self esteem will grow and you will start believing in yourself. You also want to show to your child that you are self reliant and that you can turn things around and be stronger and more confident than ever before.

3) Peer Pressure: You are allowing complete outsiders dictate how you live your life. You do not know what happens behind close doors. Chances are, they are having trouble but on the surface it LOOKS perfect. Each relationship is different. Do not assume ANYTHING.

4) More Kids: I hate to write this but the way you are depicting your boyfriend as a baby machine is not very nice. He is a person with feelings and own free will. You cannot see him as someone who is for your service. See him as a person.

My advice is get a job, take the time to improve yourself and be the best you can be for your partner. Keep going to therapy and in time you will get a whole new perspective in life and relationship.

Post # 16
Member
445 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I didn’t want to comment because of this being super sensitive, but I think you should put yourself in his shoes and maybe look at it from his perspective.  Perhaps seeing the struggle you went through before you met him again made him want for you to be strong and independent so that you don’t ever have to struggle like you did (with or without him).  You were dealt with some terrible experience that left you with lots of scars and he is being a loving partner and letting you heal and helping you reclaim what you once had. Life is unpredictable, so you never know when the next streak of bad luck would come so him wanting for you to be more stable fiancially and guiding you there is perhaps his way of showing you his committment and devotion to you.  If something were to happen in the future, you would know how to pick yourself up on your own.  I think you shouldn’t compare what you have with him to other relationships..a ring on their finger doesn’t necessary mean the husband is as caring and devoted to them.  Actions speak louder than words and IMO your BF’s actions are genuinely heartfelt. 

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