(Closed) Advice? SO and I are mad at eachother. (long)

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
1798 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

@grignardreagent:  This is a tough one. I can see his frustation and saddness that you can’t trust him. Has he ever given you any reasons to doubt him? If not, make an effort to tell him that jealousy is YOUR problem (not his) and the YOU are working to be less jealous and that you don’t want him to lie to you or stop hanging out with his friends.

Post # 5
Member
1798 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

@grignardreagent:  I think you should try to call him and appologize. Tell him you miss him and you’re sorry, but you want to make it right. If he knows your past and he knows you are trying to get past these issues, he should try to be understanding. But once you apologize, the ball’s in his court, so he has to decide whether to stay mad or forgive and move on.

Good luck!

Post # 6
Member
104 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

It’s honestly pretty immature on his part to ignore you for 2 days. Also, I think it’s completely valid that you were upset by his plans. You should be able to discuss things that bother you without him shutting you out, and then having to initiate contact days later. And saying it would have been easier lie to you over the issue? Um, relationships are hard. Good ones take work. Lying is easy, it’s a cop-out and incredibly disrespectful. He doesn’t need to go out for drinks with a woman who’s an “old friend” one-on-one.. especially knowing that it bothers you. If it were me, and he wasn’t even willing to discuss or see my side of it, I’d have to put an end to the relationship. An issue like this would only be the beginning of bigger conflicts. Communication & compromise isn’t always easy, but its vital.

Post # 8
Member
2411 posts
Buzzing bee

@letterlove:  

 If it were me, and he wasn’t even willing to discuss or see my side of it, I’d have to put an end to the relationship.

ITA with this. Darling Husband going out solo with a female friend would not fly with me, I don’t care how platonic it is or not.

I think we all have a right to our feelings and there is no need to apologize or feel that you have to somehow explain yourself or defend yourself because supposedly you are “insecure.” (eyeroll)

If me not wanting my SO to go out with a woman makes me insecure, then I will wear that badge proudly. I also would not put up with it.

Side story: When Darling Husband and I were dating, he told me that his ex girlfriend had called him asking to get together so she could get some free legal advice (he is a lawyer). I hit the roof and told him I was not comfortable with that at ALL… that the yellow pages are filled with names of lawyers who will do free legal consultations, and that I thought she had ulterior motives. He immediately promised me he would let her know that he couldn’t help her — he was more concerned with keeping me happy than being a friend to her. Initially, he didn’t agree with me that she was up to something, but after I reminded him that she conveniently called him right after she broke with another guy, and she was lonely and probably in need of male attention, he agreed with me.

Bottom line, he should be more concerned about protecting his relationship with you than investing in a friendship with this other girl. You are not at all unreasonable or out of line for feeling uncomfortable with this.

 

Post # 9
Member
3220 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

@letterlove:  I completely agree regarding the communication issues– it sounds like you really put the effort in to address your feelings in a calm and composed manner and he’s acting ridiculously immature in response.  

We can’t help what we feel– you knew your jealousy was irrational and you wanted to put it out there so you could work through a problem with him.  His reaction was over the top and ignoring you for days is absolutely ridiculous.  I think breaks from arguments are really healthy ways to calm down and address your feelings, but he’s not taking the time to rationally discuss anything with you. 

However, I do think that people in relationships can have healthy opposite-sex relationships if both partners are good communicators.  That’s a decision each person has to make on their own, though, and I think everyone’s personal anecdotes will only turn this thread into a “can people have opposite-sex friends?” debate.

Post # 10
Member
3220 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

Also, since the OP says she has male friends and that her jealousy was “hypocritical”, I don’t think the “he doesn’t need to see her” is the most helpful type of advice?  I think they could better benefit from ways to effectively communicate, that way they can then determine, on their own, what sort of friendships are appropriate for their relationship.

Post # 11
Member
104 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@bookworm88:  I do see your point, but I didn’t say he doesn’t need to see her, I said he doesn’t need to go out for dinner & drinks with her one-on-one if it makes his girlfriend uncomfortable and he’s not even willing to discuss it. He could just as easily make it a group thing.

Post # 13
Member
701 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

i think that you overreacted and that he is probably angry because he pushes down any jelousies that he might have about you having “mostly” male friends. (note: I also have mostly male friends and I’m very sensitive to making sure there was no issue and in turn I have to give him more freedom than I would IDEALLY choose when it comes to seeing old female friends) I would be pissed if it was the other way around and I feel like you are acting like you had no role in the “problem”. i do think it’s rediculous that he wouldn’t talk to you for days, but I do think you need to take more responsibiilty in this than you seem to be.

That’s just my two cents and I know most bees don’t agree with me, but it’s a different perspective

Post # 14
Member
2854 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@grignardreagent:  Ok, are you comfortable if he gets upset if you have dinner or beers with one of your male friends? It does have to work both ways.

Post # 15
Member
2854 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@Andr0meda:  I am a lawyer and my ex sometimes calls me for legal advice. Sometimes we go out to dinner. I try to help him but it is no threat to my relationship with my fiance. 

 

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