Post # 1
My SO and I have been together almost 3 years now, 2.5 of which has been very long distance (England to America). He will be moving to join me in the states in less than a month now and I couldn’t be more thrilled to start this new chapter together! Despite the fact we’re quite young (21 & 22) we have been discussing marriage since 6months and are definitely planning on getting married eventually, or even legally married this summer if his work visa doesn’t come through. We’ll be living together once he arrives.
Within the last few months I have become obsessed with the thought of an engagement, wedding and marriage. I think we are personally too young and not financially stable enough yet to get married and I am still in undergrad, but has that stopped me from stalking Weddingbee and jewelry sites?! NO I want to turn off my brain and stop thinking about it but I just can’t. It doesn’t help I am out of school for the summer which leaves me too much free time. And it REALLY doesn’t help when my SO sends me links to songs with a message like “first dance song for wedding?” or “I want a jazz band to play at our wedding…should we take some lessons do you think?” Last month he sent me an email out of the blue saying that he ‘”definitely thinks we’ll get married in one to two years” and that we’ll be “ready really anytime soon” and we’ve previously had a discussion and agreed on a 1.5-2 year engagement… but I’m not sure if I should get my hopes up regarding that remark or not. He’ll be talking about wedding-related topics one minute and the next he’ll talk about all the big-ticket items he wants to purchase when he gets here. GAH! I am going crazy, bees. I just miss him so much and that adds to my obsession! He fake-proposed a few years back (i.e. didn’t have a ring or anything, but basically declared his intentions to marry me) so it’s just a question of when, not if. I just want to calm down and enjoy our relationship the way it is now!
So I guess my questions are:
1. How can I stop thinking about getting engaged when the rational part of my brain knows we probably aren’t ready?
2. How do I keep myself from getting disappointed when a proposal doesn’t come soon? We have quite a few events to attend this summer that would be a lovely setting for a proposal (a 12-hour black tie ball in an english castle?! COME ON, that would the perfect place for us.. it’s where we met, all our friends will be there, fireworks at midnight and most importantly there will be unlimited champagne at our disposal! ). I can’t help but feel I will be disappointed when he doesn’t do it. How can I keep myself from feeling let down?
3. Should I stop visiting wedding sites? Is this just making my ‘condition’ worse?
4. My parents have been randomly mentioning lots of wedding related stuff in the last month while they never have in the past. I’m sure it’s just a coincidence, but how can I stop reading into things and thinking “MAYBE THEY KNOW SOMETHING!”
Sorry this is so long and thank you so so much in advance for the advice! This is such a great community!
Post # 3
I think coming on here is definitely making it worse. The more you think about weddings, the more you will think about weddings. Also, the SO needs to cut it out. He may think he’s being nice by hinting about the wedding, but it sounds like it’s fueling your obsession. You two should sit down and think of a time frame that works out for both of you, then agree that neither of you will talk/think about wedding stuff until you’re engaged.
Post # 4
So… I have a five year timeline for engagement and the wedding bee actually makes me feel better about it because I love reading stories about how all the ladies are getting their proposals. That being said, I’ve been addicted to the show “say yes to the dress” since before I started dating and I never even considered marriage to be something I wanted before a year and half with SO. I know my proposal is a long ways off and I’m pretty ok with that for the moment. When I was not ok with it is when my dear SO would make comments like, “My mom says I should just hurry up and marry you.” Or “I told Ay that I found the woman I want to marry.” But made no indication of actually planning to marry me. So I told him to act on it or shut up. Now the only marriage talk I hear from him is his input on dresses while I watch my show every Friday. Its much better for maintaining my sanity.
I tried to fight the whole “engagement fever” thing too. I’ve half way through my undergrad degree taking 18 credit hours a semester and doing an average of 50 hours of homework a week outside of class. I’m so busy and I can still find time to day dream. I’m not ready to get married (I plan to walk at graduation before walking down the aisle.) but I can’t help but hope SO will decide he wants the same level of commitment I do and get down on one knee sooner rather than years from now. My favorite fantasy is actually of him proposing at the annual party we originally met at. Still I know I can’t expect anything of him that I don’t tell him I have expectations of… And I’m unwilling to tell him that I expect a proposal of any kind.
As for parents… they never go away. Just smile and tell them you’ve got things under control.
Post # 5
You REALLY need to have a talk with SO. As sweet as his comments may seem, given how you feel, it’s not fair for him to talk about marriage so much when he has not offcially proposed. Saying “I think we’ll definitely be married in the next 2 years” does not really count, and it’s making you act/feel as if you were really engaged. I don’t blame you. lol.
Also, I have nothing against getting legally married first (hubFI and I did that) but I would be very careful about it if it involves immigration papers, etc. Please don’t take it the wrong way, I just know at least 2 people that did this and have stories with awful endings. Be very wise, that’s all.
Post # 6
1. Keep busy. I have found the last few months i’ve been able to mostly keep a stable head on my shoulders by having alot on the go. I set up dates once a week out of the house with my own friends, i have a million projects around the house, and i’ve been eating better and working out. The less time you have to sit and ponder, the BETTER! There is something called Mr. Bees Plan on here, search for it, it works and is actually very helpful. I’ve been on it for 2 months and have been much happier with waiting. Some days its hard, but thats ok, you bounce back
2. Just remember he will choose to do it when he thinks its the right time. There could be a million events coming up, and he might decide to do it on a random night you would never think of. So try to enjoy every event for what it is, instead of putting pressure on it.
3. The bee has straightened me out. I had a couple months where i was insane and depressed that the engagement wasnt happening. But i feel better i’m not the only girl in the world waiting for her SO to get it together lol. I try to stay to the not wedding related boards though.
4. Your parents probably suspect its coming soon based on the length of time you’ve been dating. My mom and sister always bring up my wedding to me. And i have to correct them with “i’m not engaged yet can we wait to discuss this?”. Seriously, my sister already asked to make me jewellery and what kind would i like with my dress blah blah. Well i dont have a dres…so i cant answer that lol. They are just as excited as you are. Leave it at that.
Post # 7
@LuluInLove: And i actually agree with asking your SO to stop “fake” proposing. He might think its cute, but if my so did it to me i would think he was being kind of cruel. tell him until he proposes you would liket o keep the wedding talk on hold.
Post # 8
Thanks for all the advice everyone 🙂
Since we’re still long distance, I’ve found I really only think about it or come on the Bee when we’re apart. So these next 26 days (not that I’m counting or anything, haha) will be a little rough, but at the beginning of june the LDR is over and hopefully I can regain some sanity. I agree with you all that I NEED to put a stop to his wedding-related talk until we’re closer to an actual engagement, it’s just getting my hopes up for something that is most likely not going to happen in the very near future. The LDR has been pretty rough on me, and I think one of the ways he reassures me is talking about our future so I have something to look forward to. I also think the LDR has sort of skewed the natural progression of certain milestones and conversations (i.e. we had to have the ‘where is this going’ conversation VERY early, since we had to decide if we were going to try to continue our relationship. That led to him telling me he wanted to marry me a lot sooner than I think would’ve happened if we had a ‘normal’ relationship. And sometimes the only thing that keeps a long distance relationship going is talking about how wonderful the future will be when you’re finally able to be together.)
I’m hoping that moving in together this summer will sort of tide me over in the mean time. We’ve got a very exciting couple years ahead of us even without an engagement (2 graduations, a few vacations, etc) so I think I’ll be fine once our relationship starts to feel more “real,” if that makes sense!