(Closed) Advice to waiting bees

posted 7 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
117 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

So sweet and so true! Before I found my FI I always dated the guys who were no good, didn’t treat me well, and weren’t in the same state of mind that I was. I had known FI for about 4 years before we started dating and once we did, it didn’t take me long to realize he was my one and only! We both knew after dating for about 4 months that we would be getting married! We are both ready to settle down, have a family, and enjoy the positive things in life.

Post # 4
Member
558 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

I totally agree! I too, was engaged once before, and broke it off because I realized that he didn’t love me for ME, he loved me for who he WANTED me to be. Totally different.

And I dated. And dated. And then dated some more. A few I could have really seen myself marrying… but I never saw those guys as “forever”. The one thing I can say I learned from all my dating experience was this: You must truly love yourself first, before you can truly love anyone else.

Post # 5
Member
3148 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

The think i love most about this post (and it may sound weird) was that i was engaged once before and it fell through…i honestly thought for the longest time i was the only girl in the world that this happened to!! I was young and i never though engagements feel apart..i thought you go engaged and then married and lived happilty ever after. I do take some comfort in the fact that this does happen alot (unfortunatley) but it does!

A little off topic…sorry

I agree completley with OP on this but also would like to add that when you have found THE ONE enjoy what you have. Dating is fun…i was so busy pushing to get engaged that i forgot to enjoy the time we did have together as just bf and gf. When you feel a little antsy about “when when when??!!!!” just step back and take a deep breath and enjoy what you have 🙂

Post # 6
Member
1021 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

i totally agree with this post too!

so does my fiance…once, he quoted beyonce (kind of), when someone asked how “i got him” to propose…he said ‘nothing..we talked about it…and i liked it so i went and put a ring on it”. shockingly, that summed up our relationship pretty well (and then i fell on the floor laughing).

 

Post # 7
Member
1854 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

Completely agree…

I didn’t date much, but I left a very serious relationship knowing exactly what I wanted from that moment on.

And started dating DH. And told him I was looking for something serious, and that from the moment he couldn’t see marriage between us, to not waste my time and leave me, and that I would do the same.

And that he needed to be himself and me to be myself if we were to see if this could work.

No games, no BS. Just us.
We’re blissfully happy today – got engaged after 18 months and married after 25 months.

Post # 8
Member
1893 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

Preach it sista!!!  I will see your bad proposal and raise you..

I was also engaged before.  It was a total “shut up ring.”  I pushed and pushed and pushed, knowing full well he didn’t want to get married.  I saw an email he wrote to someone saying “she really wants to get married.  I guess I owe it to her, she’s done her time.”  Shockingly, that didn’t dissaude me although it DID hurt. I was so blinded by the idea of getting engaged and having a wedding, I didn’t think about the MARRIAGE that would have to follow.  I wanted that ring, dammit.  I went as far as going to the jewlrey store, picking out the ring I wanted and giving him the jewelry stores card with the ring code on it. 

MY shut up ring was given to me on my birthday in December.  I was expecting it, but he tried to trick me by giving me a watch, instead.  I tried very hard to hide my dissapointment, probably failing.  He took me to dinner and at the end asked how my birthday was.  I said it was great.  He rolled his eyes, practically THREW a ringbox at me and mumbled “maybe this will make it better.”  He never actually asked me to marry him.  It was horrifying.  He later told me when he got the ring earlier that day, the girl at the counter asked if it was an engagement ring.  When he said yes she told him “gee, don’t get TOO excited now!”  You’d think that would’ve been enough to get me to call the whole thing off.  It wasn’t. 

We never actually made any wedding plans.  We were both in our last year of law school and I began studying for the bar that summer.   We broke up the week after I took the bar exam.  Point being, I couldn’t see past the ring.  It’s easy for a guy to walk into the store and pay for a ring to shut you up.  It’s a whole lot harder to actually plan a wedding and take that final step.  Just because you get the ring doesn’t mean  you’re actually going to live happily ever after, something I think a lot of women forget.  If he can’t even manage to cough up a “shut up ring”?  Sorry ladies, marriage aint ever going to happen.

My boyfriend now is the polar opposite of my ex.  We began talking about marriage a few months in to our relationship.  We moved in together at 5 months.  He is genuinely as excited to get married as I am (still waiting on the ring, which he’s saving for.)  I know he’s saving because he talks about buying other stuff (camera lenses, a car) but when it gets close to making those purchases, he backs out, saying he’s got “other plans for his funds.”  I have no doubt that he very badly wants a future with me and is doing everything in his power to make that happen.  I don’t NEED to push him because it’s what HE wants, too. 

If your man wants to marry you, he will.  If he’s on excuse #456, he doesn’t want to marry you.  If he’s asking you to do X,Y,Z before he’ll propose, he doesn’t want to marry you.  If he says he wants to make sure the stars are aligned and his finances are perfect and his life is absolutley perfect before he’ll propose,  he doesn’t want to marry you. 

If he doesn’t want to marry you, why do you want to marry him?

Post # 9
Member
1893 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

Something else I forgot:  If he’s over the age of 30 and has been with you longer than 3 years and still “isn’t sure”?  He’s not going to marry you.  Men know what they want.  If he hasn’t decided you’re the one after 3 years, you’re not.  If he’s saving for a ring or waiting for a certain time to propose, that’s one thing, but if he still doesn’t *know*?  He won’t.  Once you’re in your thirties, 3 years is ample time to know if you can see yourself marrying someone.  If you’re still unsure at that point and marriage is something you want out of life, it might be time to move on, as painful a proposition as that might be.

Post # 10
Member
860 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

This is great advice!

Post # 11
Member
1854 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

@lezlers:I completely agree with you… After a while, if you “don’t know”, it’s either because you’re not trying to find out, or because you know it’s “no” and can’t admit it to yourself (or your SO) yet.

Post # 12
Member
403 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

@bee-gotten: I could have written this post, so I second everything! 🙂

 

PS. I was engaged before, too, until I recognized that we weren’t right for each other after all (you know, the whole 18-23 year old change in you that changes what you’re looking for). How many of us does that make?

Post # 13
Member
1854 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

@hope1275:I just laughed out loud at the 18-23 year old change! I was with someone from 18 to 24; I was so in love and certain I would marry him. at 23, someone told me he was not going to by my last BF and I could have killed him!! I loved this boy so much… But you know. In the end, I figured out that I needed more, I needed a man, not a boy.

Post # 14
Member
2286 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2012

This is some great advice. I totally second everything that has been said.

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