(Closed) Advice? unsupportive MOH (sister)

posted 10 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
146 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

i’m sorry to hear about all your plight with your sister when your wedding should be one of the happiest days. Could you possibly ask your mom to step in and talk to her about some expectations. Do you also have other bridesmaids? If so I would have them take over her duties since it would be a lot less stressful. Did you ever end up reading what she wrote on the cards because she could have said something great, but forgot. Well, if things get worse, I say you should hav your bridesmaids inadvertantly usurp her job.

Post # 4
Member
286 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2007

I don’t have any advice but truthfully, until you’ve gone through the wedding process once, you’re truly CLUELESS.  I’ve attended close to a hundred weddings (no exaggeration) so far and I’ve seen how many BM’s do things.  The best planned showers/events/speeches are from people who have been there, done that.  Yes, there are some single people who are truly talented with party stuff (or were in multiple weddings), but for the general population, truly CLUELESS.  We work in a world where ignorance is not a good excuse.  With a wedding, it’s so much harder because you have your expectations and ideas of what you would like to happen. 

What’s done is done. Let it go.

When it’s her turn, she may just be as blase about her wedding (I’ve seen a few brides not care about the wedding planning process at all).  In that case, you know her attitude and actions aren’t personal.  It’s simply lack of interest in the subject.  Or, your sister will then realize how crappy she was. 

One my close friends had the crappiest bridesmaids (IMO).  They bickered, didn’t plan a shower, bachelorette was thrown together haphazardly.  Later on, one of the bridesmaids got married and my friend was super-MoH.  That girl sheepishly realized that there was so much more to the Bridesmaid or Best Man role and said something years later – like a hindsight apology. 

 

Post # 5
Member
78 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: February 2008

I get that your wedding is over, so there is nothing you can do about what happened now.  I’m confused though– do you need to be in contact with her for the post-wedding reception or do you mean at the post-wedding reception?  

If you mean before the p-wr, then I wouldn’t.  Plan whatever without her, or just keep the conversations basic.  At the p-wr, be nice, and try to pretend it doesn’t bother you as much as it does. Then, after the p-wr, I would talk to her and tell her that you’re sure she didn’t realize what she was doing, but…

Unfortunately, what’s done is done and no amount of stressing it will make you feel better.  (Said the ultimate stress-er, re-player of situations!) Maybe talking to her and finding out whether these things were intentional (I’m sure not) or not will make you feel better.  Don’t expect a miracle though, you may just have to come to terms with it wasn’t what you expected. Sorry, I just don’t want you to think there’s a solid answer, sometimes people disappoint.

If it helps at all, my Maid/Matron of Honor wasn’t really involved in a bunch of stuff according to my BMs and family.  She didn’t speak at all at the reception and apparently "suggested" to my other BMs that if she didn’t feel like speaking because "she was nervous and wanted to enjoy herself" that no one would be giving a speech.

Post # 7
Member
388 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

Hi Jaime:

Your story is too familiar to some of us brides out there.  My older sister was my Matron of Honor, and my younger sister was my Maid of Honor, and I ended up telling my older sis to not be in the bridal party several months before the wedding because she was so disruptive, negative and just plain made me feel bad.

On one hand, a bride learns quickly that while people are excited for you, their lives won’t stop and revolve around your wedding and their focus will never be as intense as yours.  So the bride ends up doing most of the work, and should be happy with any participation and support that’s offered.

However, what I didn’t realize is that weddings make family members crazy.  It’s a very symbolic event focusing on the fact that you and your husband are starting a life together.  We felt that my sisters were behaving badly because while they’ll never admit it, they realize that it also means you are leaving their nuclear family and starting your own.  They don’t want anyone else to be more important to you than they are.

It sounds to me that you’ve done a great job in communicating with your sister that she disappointed you.  That’s all you can do.  While it’s important to your fam that you "make up" prior to Aug., she wasn’t exactly there for you at the wedding, so her behavior will not likely be a lot better at the reception. 

Delegate as much as you can to friends you trust and give your sis the minimum info required.  Focus on the fact that you’re married to a fanastic guy and you’re their to celebrate.

Post # 8
Member
146 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

okay now we have new info. Since no one in your party seems to be helpful, go to your second line of defense… gift attendants, day of coordinator if you have one like other friends etc. (if you don’t have one, I would maybe find someone who’s enthusiastic about your post reception and good about giving commands). I hope you have better luck with these people!

Post # 9
Member
6 posts
Newbee

I actually think the speech that you describe from your sister is very sweet.  I would love to hear that my sister thought so highly of and was so welcoming to my future spouse.  I think it’s common to hear people reminisce about good ol’ times, but it’s not necessary.  It’s at least as good to hear thoughtful and sweet ways of welcoming new people to the family.  So maybe that can help you feel more positive and forgiving towards her if/as you try to bring yourselves back together as sisters.

Post # 10
Member
2292 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

Unfortunately our families are what they are.  Your sister is not likely to change just because you want her to… same for your mother.  You sort of have to accept that your family does the best they can at any given time, just as you do, and perhaps that’s not always adequate or even close.  But unless you think your sister was trying on purpose to somehow hurt you, I would try to let it go.  That doesn’t mean you have to be happy with her behavior, or go out of your way to pretend everything is fabulous between the two of you, but maybe just decide you’re not going to dwell on it any more, and try to start up just being sisters again, however that worked before all this.  Eventually she may realize that she let you down, and stop being defensive about it to the point that she can give you a sincere apology.  But the best thing you can do for your relationship, and to make yourself feel better, is to stop waiting for that and just get on with things.  I know easier said than done, but really all you can do.

Post # 10
Member
2292 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

Unfortunately our families are what they are.  Your sister is not likely to change just because you want her to… same for your mother.  You sort of have to accept that your family does the best they can at any given time, just as you do, and perhaps that’s not always adequate or even close.  But unless you think your sister was trying on purpose to somehow hurt you, I would try to let it go.  That doesn’t mean you have to be happy with her behavior, or go out of your way to pretend everything is fabulous between the two of you, but maybe just decide you’re not going to dwell on it any more, and try to start up just being sisters again, however that worked before all this.  Eventually she may realize that she let you down, and stop being defensive about it to the point that she can give you a sincere apology.  But the best thing you can do for your relationship, and to make yourself feel better, is to stop waiting for that and just get on with things.  I know easier said than done, but really all you can do.

Post # 11
Member
75 posts
Worker bee

I also think the speech your sister gave was sweet. To give you another perspective, neither my Maid/Matron of Honor or my Mr.’s Bridesmaid or Best Man gave a speech for us. Both said that they hated public speaking. Instead, we asked one of our mutual friends to give a toast. Am I holding a grudge against my MOH? No, I know that’s just how she is. It sounds like your sis was nervous. It was great that she mentioned your Darling Husband. Actually, when I hear the reminiscing type speeches, I sometimes wonder how well they know the person they’re not talking about.

I think that you just need to let it go. No one’s wedding is perfect. It happened, and nothing you do now is going to change things, you know? If you need someone to give a speech at your PWR, why not ask an old friend or an aunt or someone like that?

Post # 12
Member
133 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2008

I can somewhat relate to your story. My twinsister lives abroad and I have asked her as well. She gave some lame excuse and so I said ok, I will ask someone else. Now she blames work for not being able to come…lol
I am disappointed but then again it’s my day and I don’t want to force anyone. I am testing her in a way to see how important I am to her. It’s sad but this is life. On the other hand I have the greatest person to spend the rest of my life with so I am looking forward to that =)

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