(Closed) Advice … vent … advice & vent! HELP!

posted 7 years ago in Married Life
Post # 3
Member
1087 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

You cant ignore something like that. She is now in your life forever. What I personally suggest is talk to your husband about specific instances…he may not realize this is going on. If you bring her actions to his attention and he starts making a point to take note of her when you are around that will open his eyes to the issue and have a talk with his mother.

 

Besides doing that I would also suggest treating this woman exactly how you would treat and react to anyone else walking on this planet who pulled this with you. Her title as Mother-In-Law from hell and you marring her son does not give her permission to be a bitch to you since she is obviously now competing with for her sons attention..which I find really disturbing on a Freudian level. 

 

 

Post # 4
Member
2442 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

Is your Darling Husband aware of how you feel?  What does he say about this?  It would be difficult for him to choose but you shouldn’t be put out to pasture either.  And if he did have to choose he should choose his wife.  He is no longer in his parents’ home.  He should put his home where his wife is first.  

Mother-In-Law probably does see you as stealing her son away from her.  I wouldn’t bend over backwards to try to make her like me.  I’d just be me.  If she likes me she likes me. If she doesn’t she doesn’t.  Not all MILs and DILs are best friends.  I wouldn’t refuse to go to any family functions but you don’t have to go to them all if you don’t want to. Don’t you get along with the rest of his family?  Being in a new town you will eventually make friends and have your own things to do.  You will not always be totally dependent upon your husband’s family for social sustenance.  

Post # 5
Member
811 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

I have a Mother-In-Law very much like this and its very painful.

You and your husband need to get on the same page (or as close to the same page as humanly possible) with respect to his family. I regularly forgo certain family occasions -especially if I know his entire family is going, but you can’t avoid everything. Well, you can, but it solves nothing and is just avoiding the problem.

I’d love to know what your hubby thinks about his mother’s behaviour because it will really tell you alot about who she is. In my case my Fiance just considers his mom’s behaviour normal because she really is just like this -she would treat any woman the same as she treats me. Shitty, but true.

I would also consider counselling -for both of you or just yourself. It takes alot out of a person to be dealing with a family situation like this and its important to have somewhere you can get it off your chest & get advice w/out using Darling Husband as a sounding board.

I don’t know your Mother-In-Law, but it sounds to me like she MIGHT be the type of woman to back off if you stood up for yourself. BUT like I said I don’t know her, so don’t take my advice based on this, but consider it.

Post # 7
Member
7587 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2010

@rofmandr: I have the same issues. At first we really got along and she even claimed that she really liked me, However, when Darling Husband proposed it all started to go down hill. She actually would start fights surrounding the wedding that were something you would see on Jerry Springer. I eventually just started limiting my interaction with her. Only seeing her on holidays, and then she actually ruined Thanksgiving. I then tried to reconnect by going out to family dinners and sitting as far away from her as I could. Then she had another insane freak out and Darling Husband actually stopped talking to her for 4 months. They reconcilled and she requested that I meet her to talk about things with her, however, between the time she mad the request and the meeting we were suppose to have she crossed the line again.

I finally told Darling Husband this past weekend, that I have done everything I could to not make him have to choose and that I was still not going to do that. However, I didn’t want to continue my relationship with her in anyway, and I would hope that he would understand and not push me to have a relationship with her. He’s very hurt by the whole thing, but understanding. She’s abusive.

So now I just don’t go. It’s easier somehow.

Post # 8
Member
811 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

@mwitter80: not going is easier some how, but only for a short period of time. I avoided gatherings with my inlaws for almost two years -the good was that Fiance & I didn’t argue about his mother, I didn’t cry myself to sleep, & the feeling of not having to deal with them is a little bit blissful.

But, the other side to that is that it took Fiance away from me for lenglthy periods of time. He’d have entire family dinners w/out me -that somehow didn’t feel right. It made him sad. Sadder than when he has to listen to me rant about his mother, sadder than having to talk to his mom about her ways (which is VERY difficult for him). It divided us a little.

I think the worst thing that came of me no longer attending family functions was that no matter how hard Fiance tried to explain to them that I wasn’t there because I didn’t want to be ridiculed, and belittled by them, because THEY WERE HURTING ME they still turned it back on me. While I thought they would get the hint that they are horrible, it really only gave them more amunition -I wasn’t there because I was rude and had no class, I was hateful, I was immature…

Plus, all the negatives still got back to Fiance & I somehow, so we weren’t really removed from it at all, just one step back.

Its a no win situation, but not attending important functions (because trust me I definately don’t go to all) has major drawbacks too.

Post # 9
Member
5761 posts
Bee Keeper

You always have choices, and family or not, sometimes you just have to take a stand and remove yourself from situations that make you uncomfortable or even physically ill. It gets easier with time.

We had no relationship with my IL’s after 10 years of trying to make things better if not tolerable. Once my kids were being treated meanly by them and ignored for most things, I decided they were no longer worth my time or effort. I never prevented my husband or kids from spending time with them, but I stayed home if they went to visit. Eventually my kids no longer wanted to see them and would cry about going, so that was IT. Having no relationship was much more healthy than having one with people who didn’t care about you at all, and my kids never missed what they never had.

If she doesn’t like you, there isn’t much you can do about it. Toxic people can ruin your life if you let them.

Post # 10
Member
10288 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011

I can’t speak from experience since my Future Mother-In-Law rocks but one of my best friends has the Mother-In-Law from hell so I get to hear all the crazy stories from her. My friend married one of FI’s best friends since high school so we both know his parents pretty well. His mother has always been a looney tune. She’s despised any girl he ever brought home including my friend. His mother is very two faced and will smile and be nice to your face but say terrible things behind your back. She’s just a rotten person who makes everyones lives difficult. It doesn’t help that his dad is a total pushover and will do whatever his wife wants him to (grow some balls, dude!).

It basically came down to our friends going to counceling to try to decide the best way to handle his parents. They have an 8 month old daughter and while they want his parents to be apart of her life, my friend isn’t willing to put herself through the torture of having to deal with her Mother-In-Law. They’ve decided that it would be best for him to take their daughter over to his parents solo. That way they still get to see their granddaughter and son and my friend doesn’t have to suffer. She still has to see them on occasion but a few hours every once in a while is more manageable than an every weekend sort of thing.

Unfortunately, shitty IL’s will be around until the day they die, which I’m sure some people wish would happen more sooner than later. If this woman cannot be dealt with then the only thing you can do is limit your exposure to her. Let your hubs go see his parents alone and you have a girls day. That’s what my friend does and it’s worked for them so far. 

Post # 12
Member
477 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

Basically, this isn’t your problem.

Its your husband’s problem.

The fact is you guys are married now, you have formed a new family, and your family should now be the priority.  If his parents are messing with his family, he needs to set up some boundaries to ensure that doesn’t happen.  He should be protecting you from being insulted or harmed.  Pretending the problem isn’t there or just hoping it goes away does not show responsibility.

The same would be true if it were the other way around.  If my mom was acting crazy towards my husband, I would have to get in there and set some really strong boundaries too.  

Even if you don’t want to put him in the middle, guess what?  HE IS THE MIDDLE.  Sure everyone wants all of their families to merge together and be wonderful together, but at the end of the day, YOU and YOUR MARRIAGE should be his number 1 priority.  If he stands up to his mother, will she blame you and think its your fault?  Sure.  But that doesn’t matter.  EVEN if she doesn’t change her behavior or hates you even more, you will have so much more peace and security because your husband is stepping up to have your back that it wont matter.

Don’t fight this on your own.  Get your husband involved.  Its not right for you to be treated this way and to suffer alone. 

 

Post # 13
Member
5655 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2011

Okay… so I guess I’m the minority on the whole “choosing” BUT here’s what I found

When your husband decided to get married he then chose to ultimately leave his mother & father and to make a NEW family, his family, with YOU.

His allegiance should now be with you and it’s his job to set that boundary with his family. No that does not mean totally cutting his family out but that does mean that he holds in high regard to protects the time, emotions, and enviroment of his now family, his wife, your marriage.

He needs to set his mother straight that just as he would hope you treat his mother with respect and regard to who she is in his life that she does the same toward you. You are now is wife.. and mother of ya’lls future children and you should be shown the same care & respect as your right and title as partner & helpmate to your husband… you are now in one of the most important positions for his success in everything for trials at work to being an awesome father one day.

“She’s my wife and mom I love you but I can not let you treat her/talk to our about her that way” <— and then sticking by that

@kermie said.. it’s very important that you two get on the same page about this. VERY very important…

If you two are unable to build the foundation needed b/c of time & energy spent at his parents house, or doing things to please his mother, as opposed to time & energy together then that needs to be seen a problem, because that it is ,and stopped… taken care of by him, and standing by you.

A friend of mine shared this radio show “article” with me and I find the info in it to be very valid and current to many marriages that are struggling to stay together… b/c of very instances like this.

It’s supposed to be you two and the world… being a team prepared and ready to endure any hardships that may/will come. IF his family (specifically his mother) does not allow for you two to become the prepared team you WILL need to be (b/c crap does happen) then they/she need(s) to realize that they are attributing to the struggles you two may face in keeping a strong marriage today.

Yes.. I feel that this is THAT big of a deal.

As for how you handle her… Well.. it’s not easy but this is what I see. You have to love her…. love her regardless of how she loves you.. and love her through eyes that sees that as wrong as it may be, she’s acting this way b/c she is hurting… hurting people hurt people <—- this is how someone like you Mother-In-Law can act the way she does and seem as if it’s totally justified… it offsets whatever hurt, resentment, bitterness, or insecurity SHE has. Yep.. it’s totally wrong BUT it can be overcome. By you loving her just b/c she needs it… unconditionally. SIGH.. I know it’s hard but I know that when I can get it into my head and heart that my Mother-In-Law can’t even love herself right b/c of her actions and the drama & hurt she causes.. it makes me hurt for her and I stop expecting her to love me right.<— this really does help. BUT it takes lots and lots and lots of reminding yourself…

“she’s broken… she can’t even love her son right… look at how her behaviour effects those around her… her son… gosh… I feel so bad for her”

And you just keep it up. Some times will be harder than others but you just keep doing it… I’ve definitley had many times around my Mother-In-Law where my Darling Husband knows it’s just time to be making our way out b/c I’m spent BUT it has made it easier for me and now that we’re standing together it making it easier on us.

You can’t talk your Darling Husband ear off about it, but you two do need to get on the same page that it’s you & him against the world… and that Mother-In-Law and fam are NOT invited in bed with ya’ll. lol

Here’s the link to the article Hope you can make some headway with it =)

http://www.marriagemissions.com/leaving-your-parentsx-to-cleave-to-your-spouse/

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