(Closed) Advice– weird secret messages a week before wedding

posted 4 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
3 posts
  • Wedding: December 1969


Riviera2014:  Hi sweetheart. I would definitely ask him.  You’re going to be being married you should be able to talk with him about everything. I wish you all the best! : )

Post # 4
209 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

It may just be a case of the commitment phobia of marriage. He needs to know that he wants to marry you, that you are the one. Men are weird like that. 

He probably knows that now, with her not writing back, it’s probably helped you actually. I know that after my partner proposed I thought about my first love… a lot. I even looked him up and Facebook profile stalked him. I never made a friend request or anything… but I felt better afterwards, because he looked nothing like I remember, his profile pic was of him passed out drunk and he shared weird videos about racism and hatred. 

Hope this helps. But please, enjoy the week before the big day! It should be enjoyable, not hard.

Post # 5
812 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

Riviera2014:  this type of behaviour would give me some serious cold feet, especially if it was met with a aloof response from Fiance like what you describe. I’m a very persistent person so I wouldn’t let it go, so likely if I was you we would end up in an argument. It’s something I would need to get to the bottom of, especially if you’re just weeks away from spending your life with this guy. 

There may be nothing to it, as pps have suggested, that’s definitely a possibility. But what wpuld concern me is his response (completely unsympathetic). If the situation were reversed, wouldn’t you tell your Fiance the reason why, and be empathetic to the fact that you may have hurt him? Would you not be patient and hear him out, and at the same time try to explain that it was innocent, and why? 

I would approach it again and again until I feel comfortable with his response, and it makes sense/adds up. When things don’t add up, there’s something being left out and that’s why you feel uneasy.

Post # 6
111 posts
Blushing bee

So close to your wedding it’s awfully suspicious, and I do think it’s disrespectful of him. Tell him you know. Ask him what’s up. Tell him that if he’s having second thoughts, now’s the time to say something. Otherwise, he can’t be messaging his exes whenever he feels like it. I tend to believe there are very few instances in which exes should maintain contact. My fiance knows that would definitely not fly with me, nor would I ever do that to him.

Post # 7
595 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

Riviera2014:  if this girl created problems for you, then he definitely shouldn’t be talking to her at all. But, I think maybe he needed closure. And I really think it has nothing to do with YOU. But, everything to do with HIM. Maybe he really does feel bad about how things went down. Maybe he just needed to “wipe the slate clean” before taking the plunge of marriage.

I’d talk to him calmly, and just ask why. Otherwise, know she isn’t answering, so that’s probably all the closure he needs.

Post # 8
4512 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I have been on the girl’s side of this, sort of. My ex-boyfriend contacted me right before he got married. We hadn’t talked since we’d broken up 4 years earlier. He called me out of the blue to “catch up” and tell me he was getting married. We had a nice conversation for a while, and that was it. That was 8 years ago, and he’s been married ever since. I know this is not exactly your situation, but I mention it to suggest that I think on some level this is normal behavior. It’s normal right before you get married to reflect on all the other people and relationships you’ve had in your life, and maybe even to reach out to some of those folks. I hope that’s all it is in your fiance’s case. If he contacts her again, though, I think that’s going too far…

Post # 9
4907 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I would probably approach it like… “what the complete fuck?”. He knows this girl had feelings for him. That door is closed. 

Post # 10
1229 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

The messages aren’t a big deal, but him brushing your concerns aside is. Does he have a history of doing that?

Post # 12
10988 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

He may have wanted to wipe the slate clean before marriage, thinking that it would be inappropriate to correspond afterwards, but the reference to the loss of a possibility of  an ongoing friendship seems to preclude that.  I’d be hurt, disappointed, and upset and would not accept his excuse that it’s no big deal.  If it’s a big deal to you, it’s a big deal.  

Not knowing either one of you or the first thing about the relationship, anything from an emergency counseling session to postponing do not sound out of line.  As extreme  as this sounds, do not marry him if you are not sure of his love, commitment  and respect for you. 

I agree that brushing you off is unacceptable. 

Post # 13
58 posts
Worker bee

I agree with HappySky7 and weddingmaven. This is not innocuous, it’s a big deal. You are not blowing things out of proportion. 

Post # 14
681 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

Are you sure there was romantic intent?  How close were they?  The reason I ask:

My best friend and I were friends/best friends from the point we were 7 years old until about 10 months ago.  I always thought he would be in my wedding party.  Now that I know I will be engaged soon and quickly planning a wedding, I have been tempted to catch up with him and see if he might want to come.  

Is any way he might really want to catch up with her AS FRIENDS as be sad that things deteriorated to the point she won’t be at the wedding?  I don’t know just how close they were.

Post # 15
2393 posts
Buzzing bee

I would postpone the wedding until I could get to the bottom of this. 

No, you’re not blowing this out of proportion. This is what I would call a huge, red flag. 

The biggest mistake you could make would be to ignore your gut feeling and allow him to convince you that everything is going to be OK as long as you drop it and don’t ask too many questions.

This is not going away. You can either deal with it now or risk dealing with it in divorce court. 

I’m very sorry you’re dealing with this!

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