Advice – when to give up on a friendship?

posted 3 months ago in Relationships
  • poll: Should i give up?
    Yes : (26 votes)
    93 %
    No : (1 votes)
    4 %
    Try another year : (1 votes)
    4 %
  • Post # 2
    Member
    1871 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: February 2016

    shadows9x : 

    I think you said and did some things that weren’t nice as a friend and just because you’re talking now doesn’t necessarily mean she’s ready to go back to how it was before. Maybe she’ll come around with time, maybe she won’t. I would continue to talk to her but let her make the first move on inviting you out. I’d then look at thing to make other friends through work or other activities. I get it, it’s hard making friends as an adult and I don’t have many friends but you can’t just rely on your friends from high school. Especially if you might have outgrown each other a while ago.

    Post # 3
    Member
    2766 posts
    Sugar bee

    It sounds like your friendship has run its course.  And being unemployed doesn’t mean she has time to be your friend if she isn’t interested in being your friend.  She may have time and be bored enough for a chat about old times, but that doesn’t mean she wants you to be part of her present.

    Being friendly isn’t the same as being friends.  There isn’t anything wrong with being friendly as long as you recognize it for what it is and stop clinging to the past and trying to make it more than it is.

    Post # 4
    Member
    2819 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: April 2017

    It’s very clear by her behavior that while she’s willing to engage you in conversation, she has no desire to be friends with you again. I’m sure she’s not mad at you and doesn’t hate you, but you need more than just not disliking a person to consider them a friend. She doesn’t need or want your friendship. If you’re looking for something more substantial than the occasional chat online, find a real friend. You won’t get that sort of effort from her.

    Post # 5
    Member
    1127 posts
    Bumble bee

    loz24 :  This is perfect! I’m going to buy some dollar store plates for hands-on demonstrations lol!

    Post # 6
    Member
    1227 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: October 2010

    It sounds to me like she just isn’t that invested in you as a friend. She ditched you when someone better or cooler came along when you guys were in high school. In college or immediately after you say she only hangs out with you when she has nothing better to do. Likewise, you also had a period where you always chose your boyfriend over her. Are you sure you two are truly friends? It sounds like maybe you have the type of friendship that is just better suited for casual social media exchanges than one on one in person contact.

    Post # 7
    Member
    1871 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: February 2016

    PrincessPeach13 :  there’s a similar one with toothpaste. Ask someone to squeeze the toothpaste out, then apologise, did the toothpaste go back in the tube?

    Post # 8
    Member
    1426 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: November 2017

    What you have now may be the best it gets, at least for a while. I don’t think you should give up on the friendship as it currently stands – weekly phone calls, chatting and sending memes via text. But I do think you need to give up on restoring it to its former glory. That time has passed.

     

    I have known my oldest friend since kindergarten. We really were best friends, who would drift apart sometimes (I moved several hours drive away in middle school – we maintained our friendship through that but obviously things change as you grow up). Not quite how you’re describing, but our paths would differ and then realign and we’d reconnect. That is, until she got engaged to her Darling Husband. We had a big falling out and didn’t talk at all for about 2 years. We have since reconnected, kind of similar to what you’re describing. After about 2 years of a relationship like that, she and I went to lunch after *I* got engaged and it was lovely to the point I was even entertaining asking her to be in the wedding. Ultimately, I didn’t because our falling out had been so bad, and well – she just had her own thing going on. We still chat and text most days, and have seen each other a couple of times since. But she wasn’t even able to attend our wedding because she had her second child just a few weeeks before. Do I still love her and consider her a friend? Absolutely! She’s one of my oldest friends and is very dear to me in many ways. Is it Like it was before we had our fallout when we were hanging out twice a week and she was going to be Maid/Matron of Honor at my wedding? Unfortunately no. But it’s ok!

     

    If you enjoy what you have and can appreciate that friendship for what it is – sometimes that’s enough and is a new normal. Does that make sense? 

    Post # 9
    Member
    3645 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: August 2012

    She’s just not that into you.

    Post # 10
    Member
    116 posts
    Blushing bee

    I formally broke up with a former best friend. I miss her everyday, but it was toxic, and I know I can’t go back. If I engaged her meaninfully I know I would get sucked back in. I love her, and I always will, but that doesn’t mean she was good for me.  Maybe she recognizes what you had, and she misses it, but she knows better than to engage, becuase everything ya’ll miss is romanticized. 

    Post # 11
    Hostess
    11610 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2015

    But tbh, it seems like you both used each other as a backup plan and both resented it at different times. Read: when on the receiving end.

    old friendships have a special place in our hearts but they don’t always fit our new lives and sometimes they weren’t as great as we remembered. Time to make new friends who fit into your present life! 

    Post # 12
    Member
    516 posts
    Busy bee

    I think if you’re not satisfied with an online only friendship with her then you should just let it go.

    Post # 13
    Member
    1816 posts
    Buzzing bee

    It sounds like it’s run its course – as many high school friendships do. I would let it alone for a while and just leave it on a positive note and let her know you’re open to friendship when she’s ready.

    I had a friend like this in high school and my early 20s where we weren’t always great friends to each other. I think it happens a lot in young friendships when everyone is going through so many changes and dealing with a lot of insecurity etc. It wasn’t anything too dramatic, but we grew apart in our mid 20s. 

    A few years later she reached out to congratulate me when she found out I was engaged. I invited her to the wedding and we ended up ‘rekindling’ our friendship. It was kind of good to have the time to let go of our immature baggage quite frankly.

    Post # 14
    Member
    1195 posts
    Bumble bee

    When you apologized to her, what exactlly did you say?

    Was this a fauxpology where you said “I’m sorry you feel hurt”? Or was this a true apology where you acknowledged the pain you caused, you expressed remorse, you asked forgivenesss, you vowed to do better, and you began treating her with more respect?

    Maybe your apology was inadequate.

    Or maybe it was the best apology in the world, but your former friend has not, or cannot, move past that moment and truly forgive you.

    Either way, you’ve made several clear overtures to spend time together, and she has not accepted.

    You have an online chat buddy. Someone to talk to when she has nothing else to do. There is an emotional connection from shared history, but she has zero interest in seeing you in person.

    I’d stop asking her to hang out if I were you. Devote some time to developing and strengthening other friendships, because it sounds like you broke this one beyond repair.

    Post # 15
    Member
    218 posts
    Helper bee

    Hi,

    I personally think you should give up. I understand that you feel like there is no other friendship like the one you have with her (I have friends like that, that I have had for years and even through tough times, we ended up reconnecting), but I do feel she is talking to you only when it is convenient… Here’s my thought process: you showed her that you didn’t care much about her during the foundational years of your friendship (at least during the earlier ones), then you guys were friends on and off. I think she might still have some built up frustration about your prior behavior and despite still really liking you as a friend, she might just think that she doesn’t HAVE TO make an effort. 1) Because she has kept in touch with your other former common friends and therefore has a tight circle of friends 2) Because you’ve shown her that it was okay to not be punctual and only see the other when it was convenient. So now, she probably feels like it’s not necessary for her to display a more respectful behavior. I am not blaming you because I understand that when we start dating people, it is really easy to want to include them in everything and even neglect our friends (especially when we’re really young), but I think this is what she is subconsciously using as a reason to back up her behavior. 

    I think she doesn’t care much anymore… I am sorry. That being said, every friendship teaches you something, this one has too. Think about it. Whether this is the end of it or not, it has taught you something valuable that you can now apply to any other friendship. 

    As per making other friends, with age, it does become more difficult, but it doesn’t mean that you can’t make it happen. You just might have to work around other variables (spouses, children, work etc…). 

    You’ll be ok, trust me. Been there, done that! 

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