Post # 1
My boyfriend and I decided we wanted to get married after I graduate law school, which would be spring 2012. So he suggested a spring 2011 proposal, and I agreed. That’s been the plan for the past few months. The problem:
a. I get worried that he’s dragging his feet– that he’s waiting until the last possible second to propose. He thinks spring 2011 is perfect because then we’d have a one-year engagement, which is completely reasonable. At the same time, I don’t love the idea of the proposal being based on nothing more than logistics, if that makes sense. His view is that if we want to get married in May 2012, it’s silly to get engaged much before May 2011. But if he wanted to do it now, wouldn’t he just do it, regardless of when the wedding could take place?
b. I literally don’t know how I’m going to get through the next several months (my guess is anywhere from 9-11 months at this point). I absolutely have enough to keep me busy– two more years of law school, working full-time this summer, friends, etc. But it’s like any time I get more than five seconds to stop and think, I start agonizing over this: worrying it’s never going to happen, feeling frustrated, etc. He is such a great guy, and I hate myself for being resentful of him, but I am, and it’s affecting the relationship. I just can’t shake my resentment and frustration that he’s making me wait. I wish so much that I could appreciate the relationship I have in front of me instead of silently seething over what I don’t have. I hate feeling like I’m not grateful for what I have. I just need to figure out some way to get through the next several months without being resentful, and then feeling guilty because I’m resentful.
Thanks in advance bees!
Post # 3
Honestly, I think you should lay off the marriage talk for right now. Guys don’t really understand why you need to be engaged longer than a year (some think you can plan a wedding in a few months no problem). It sounds like he wants to marry you which is the most important part! Not all guys can think of extreme out of the box crazy proposals.
Post # 4
I don’t think you should feel like he’s waiting until the last possible moment to propose. Men often see engagements and weddings in more practical terms than women; they often want certain things to fall into place (like graduating, finding a good job etc.) before proposing.
The fact that he’s agreed to a 2012 wedding shows that he wants to get married in the nearish future.
Furthermore, a lot of people prefer to have short engagements (max. 1 year), so I don’t think that’s a warning sign either.
I odn’t think you have anything to worry about 🙂
Post # 5
My opinion is, let him know how you feel. If you don’t tell him how you feel, your resentment will most likely grow and it will become a bigger problem. Who knows? Maybe he even reconsiders the date after you talk to him.
But I don’t think there is anything for you to worry about.
Post # 6
I have to agree with Bells here…men have a more practical way of thinking when it comes to engagement and marriage. My Fiance and I talked about marriage and getting married but the ring was a surprise to me. And then when we started talking about the proposal and how he planned to do it, I found out he was waiting for thr perfect time (ie when I got out of school, when we bought a house, etc) so while it seemed romantic to me, it was for him all planned out. So I wouldnt think about it anymore, men can’t tap into their emotions like we can.
Post # 7
Personally, to me “the last possible second” would probably be like 6 months before when you talked about getting married. We are planning a May 2011 wedding, and I think as long as we get engaged by sometime in the fall, we will have plenty of tim to plan. My boyfriend actually asked me how much time we needed to be engaged (he had no clue), so I told him 6 months to a year, but probably somewhere in between.
I guess I’m curious what is stresing you out so much. Do you really want a 2 year engagement or are you unhappy waiting 2 years to actually get married? And, if you want a 2 year engagement, why? I think most people who have long engagements (and I could be wrong here), really didn’t intend for it to be that way. Perhaps they realized they needed more time to save up money for the wedding/honeymoon/life together or maybe two years was the first time they could realistically have their wedding time-wise.
I wouldn’t worry so much about the proposal being based so much on logistics. I know my guy could propose tomorrow or any time in the next few months, and I still have no clue what he is planning, and am totally okay with that. Spring 2011 isn’t as specific as May 3, 2011, so it doesn’t take ALL the fun out of it. 🙂
Also, has he given you reason to think that he won’t ever propose. I mean, you guys have talked about a specific time to get married, so has he done something else that worries you that it is “never going to happen”?
Post # 8
I agree with the other posters. My Fiance is SUPER practical (he’s an accountant for heaven’s sake) and he wanted to get engaged when we would be able to plan the wedding (financally speaking). I’m an extremely impatient person, but waiting for the engagement was something that actually helped me improve my patience. It was tough at times but SO worth it in the end! Just hang in there!
Post # 9
Thanks guys! I feel better already.
@nighthawk, I’m not entirely sure what’s stressing me out so much, which I think is part of the problem. He hasn’t given me any indications that he’s unsure or reluctant, but I have this silly idea that if I’m vigilant about looking for problems, then I’ll be more prepared if and when they actually happen. So in this case, I feel like if I try to brace myself for things not working out (like it “never happening”) then it won’t be as hard if that actually came to pass. Obviously this approach is not helpful or realistic at all, so I’m trying to work on it.
Post # 10
I feel like I tend to do the same thing (expect the worse, plan for it, anticipate it), and it is a REALLY hard habit to break. But, as I did it more and more (not necessarily in terms of my relationship, but with other things in life), it becomes really stressful because you are worrying yourself to dealth about things that, in all liklihood, will not happen. My mom gave me the advice “never worry until you have to”, which I think is really good advice for people like us who tend to have unnecessary negative thoughts or feelings. Whew. That was heavy!
But, just remind yourself (by writing it down, thinking about it, etc) about all the things that weigh against your fear – i.e. you guys talking about getting married, setting a tentative date to get married, etc. You aren’t dating a guy who refuses to talk about it, but you ARE dating one who thinks there is a specific order to life changes. I don’t think it is unreasonable for him to want to wait until you are both done with school, have jobs, etc. Now, that doesn’t make it any EASIER to wait, but it should give you some solace.
You have so many other things to focus on, but I have to admit that my third year of law school I had more free time than just about any other year of my life… so it may work out perfectly if that is the year you will have to plan your wedding:) For now, though, just focus on (and again, maybe write down or just think about them when you are daydreaming/before you go to bed) all the great things about your man and what you are thankful for. Good luck! 🙂
Post # 11
@nighthawk, I bet we’ve had pretty similar conversations with our moms- my mom always tells me to stop looking for things to worry about, because I’ll always be able to find something!
Thanks again to everyone for sharing your thoughts!
Post # 12
My Boyfriend or Best Friend has the exact same mindset… we’re planning on a summer 2011 wedding, so he’s said for the past year that he will NOT propose before this summer. I said the same thing you did – we know we’re getting married sooo what’s the problem? But, part of it was Boyfriend or Best Friend just wanted more time to not be planning his marriage and life, and a little more ‘bachelor’ time, and part of it was he wanted more time to save for a ring since he’s still in school.
I know it’s REALLY hard. It seems like a long time, but if you both strongly believe that waiting is the best choice for you, it makes the waiting easier because it’s for a reason and not because you haven’t ‘gotten around to it yet’. 🙂
Post # 13
To me you guys had an agreement and you should be patient and see it through. Pushing won’t help. If you feel you need it sooner you should tell him but remembeer you are the one changing it so be prepared for him to be a bit annoyed.
If I were you I’d just put away marriage for the rest of this year and enjoy your relationship, start a savings and get your own stuff figured out. Since you guys agreed to 2 years from now I think laying off till that year and having faith is only fair.
Your time will come and you can enjoy dreaming about it but getting worked up now is only gonna make the next year all the more stressful. Bring it up after the holidays but till then enjoy yourself! 🙂
Post # 14
Is it possible part of his wanting to wait could have to do with saving money for a ring? In which case, just relax and let him plan it. What the others said is right, he’s talking and planning marriage with you and it sounds like you have a happy relationship. On the other hand, I’m not one to say don’t speak your mind. If it’s really upsetting to you, I think you should talk to him. But be prepared to hear his very unromantic answer – likes it’s been suggested, lots of guys wait and plan based on finances and when they feel they are stable and ready.
Post # 15
Just…really try to be realistic and think of how much a ring costs.
I know it’s hard to be practical at this point, about something that is supposed to be romantica and all that jazz. I felt that way too, and I was super impatient to just get engaged already.
But a year and a half later, we’re getting married next month and he is still making payments on my ring; and that really bothers me.
Post # 16
We had a two year engagement, and we planned that. We would have been engaged long before we actually were, but both of us agreed that we didn’t want to be engaged for more than two years. We figured out when our wedding would be, and he proposed just before the two year mark. It worked out well for us, but that doesn’t mean that I still didn’t want a ring before then and it definitely doesn’t mean that I wasn’t impatient.
Sit back and relax. It will happen when it happens. Unfortunately, it’s not something you can control.