- 4 years ago
I’m going to try to keep this short, but it will probably be long anyway, so I apologize in advance. I joined here in 2014 after getting engaged to my now ex fiance and I think people here might be able to give good advice on my dilemma. I made a throw away for this because I’m paranoid.
So for some background, I started a new job about eight months ago and quickly became friends with one of my co-workers who I’ll just call S. Despite the fact that I haven’t known her for long, she has definitely become one of my closest friends and she truly is such a great friend to me. I’m a bridesmaid in her upcoming wedding, friends with her fiance, and have even become close with her mom and other family members.
Anyway, when I first met S, I was still engaged to my now ex fiance. We broke it off a little over three months ago now. There were no major issues but he was always traveling for work and working late hours when he wasn’t out of town, which really put a strain on our relationship. I appreciated that he was a hard worker, but I often felt like he was a workaholic and would always put his job before me. I also didn’t get along with his parents at all, which I tried to get over, but his parents had some real intense issues that made me question ever starting a family with him and I really struggled with that. It just wasn’t right anymore and I had too many doubts to continue our engagement. Obviously I can’t say for sure that we will NEVER get back together, but I cannot see that happening. Since the break up, we have only been in contact over things like our apartment (we lived together and had to sort out the lease) and our pets (we adopted two dogs while we were together). My point is I’ve very much been trying to move on from our relationship and I think he has too.
Okay, so fast forward to NYE weekend. I rented a cabin with S, her boyfriend, her brother who I’ll call J and a few other friends of ours. S and her boyfriend ended up getting engaged on New Year’s Day and later that night, her brother J kissed me. Now to be honest, I had developed a crush on J at this point, but I never planned on acting on it in any way. He had been flirty towards me in the past, but nothing major, so I assumed he just had that type of personality. No one saw the kiss and I wrote it off as just some stupid mistake–we had all been drinking and his little sister had just gotten engaged, so I figured that might have something to do with it. The next time I saw him, he apologized for the kiss. I accepted his apology, told him not to worry about it and we agreed to just act normal around each other.
A couple weeks ago I had some time to kill and was in J’s neighborhood, so I asked him to have dinner. It was probably a stupid thing to do knowing that I had a crush on him and that he probably liked me too, but we had hung out in group settings before and I really didn’t think anything would come of it. I’m trying to keep this short, but after dinner, we went to his apartment and ended up sleeping together. I’m not gonna lie…it was really great.
We met up a few times for coffee and lunch after that and have been talking/texting since then. Last weekend, we had a huge snowstorm here and I spent the entire weekend at his place. I don’t want to be dramatic, but I really haven’t felt this way about someone before. Being with him is SO comfortable. I can be pretty shy, but he’s so easy to talk to. He’s super kind, funny, smart and successful and I feel insanely attracted to him. I didn’t get bored being “stuck” with him all weekend–I truly had a great time just talking and laughing with him. We have great chemistry and I really, really like him and know that he feels the same way. I’m not saying I’m in love with him or anything at this point, but I think I will always wonder “what if?” if I don’t pursue a relationship with him.
I wanted to be honest so the other day I told S that I’ve been hanging out with her brother and that things have happened. She doesn’t want me to see him at all–she’s afraid she’d lose me as a friend if things don’t work out. She thinks because it’s “too soon” after my break up, I’ll end up getting back together with my ex fiance. I can understand her opinion on it, but calling off my engagement was something I thought about for a long, long time. It wasn’t a last minute decision. I can’t say with honesty that I’m 100% over my broken engagement–I know that takes a lot of time, but I think I’ve actually been handling it really well. I’ve been focusing on myself and I know three months isn’t a huge amount of time, but I really don’t feel like I’m trying to jump into a relationship at all. Beyond that, she thinks that he might end up screwing me over in some way and we’ll stop being friends because it will become awkward.
Bees, what would you do if you were in this situation? J has told me that he wants to pursue a relationship with me too, but if I don’t want to because of how his sister feels, he understands. She’s not a mean person and I really think if I told her how I feel about him she might get over it and give me her blessing. At the same time, I can totally see where she’s coming from. Even though I would do my best not to let it mess up our friendship, shit happens and I don’t want to lose her as a friend either. Part of me is telling myself to get over it, there are plenty of guys out there and it isn’t worth risking a friendship over. But another part of me actually feels kind of heart broken about it and thinks I would be making a mistake to just let it go. Would you talk to her again or just try to forget about it? Any advice and opinions are welcome.