Post # 16
Thanks for all the advice so far, everyone. I know I shouldn’t have done anything behind her back so I’m sure that made it worse. And her family is super close…I don’t live near my family so her mom has kind of “adopted” me in a way. I’m always invited to their family dinners, holidays when I don’t travel home and her mom has even made and delivered soup to me when I’ve been sick, haha. So I think she’s afraid if something did go wrong, that part of our friendship would become too weird and awkward.
I think I’m leaning more towards just talking to her about it, because to be honest, I do feel a little bitter that she’s so against it. Like someone said, we’re all adults in this situation so it seems a little silly to be told I can’t date someone. But I really do understand her concerns, so I don’t want to hold it against her and I appreciate that she was at least honest about how she feels.
Post # 17
serotonin: That’s really good to know, thanks. I’m usually pretty private about my relationships, so I can’t see myself trying to tell her about arguments or anything he could do to piss me off. Even in past relationships, I’ve usually tried to only vent to people who don’t know my SO at all and only if I really needed to vent, nothing too private.
I’m not sure if she thinks I would be like that or if she thinks maybe her brother would be. They are pretty close in age and pretty close in general–they have a few of the same friends and hang out socially often. Either way, I think I definitely need to talk to her about it again.
Post # 18
confusedbee2016: I met my husband a week (!!!) after I broke up with a long term, serious boyfriend. Soooo – 3 months seems like plenty of time to me – especially if you had been thinking about it for a long while.
So yes – while you should have told your friend before you banged her brother, it happened, you’re both adults and can make choices for yourself.
Post # 19
confusedbee2016: My brother and I are twins, and we shared a lot of friends growing up. Thankfully neither my brother nor my best friend really talked to me about their relationship–they just kind of avoided each other after it ended. In fact, I didn’t find out what ultimately happened between the two of them until many years later (they dated in high school). I didn’t want to know, because they are two of the dearest people in the world to me, and I wanted to keep my relationships with them separate from their relationship with each other.
Based on your update, my assumption would be that she is hesitant because she has been through it before with one of her BMs and, like you said, they stopped being friends for a while because the relationship ended. Even if they are back to being good friends now, it must have been painful to go through that rift.
Post # 20
- Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter\'s Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle
I don’t see why not – you’re both consenting adults – but I would be going slowly and treading carefully.
Post # 21
confusedbee2016: I’m gonna go out on a limb and say I don’t think you should date him. I don’t think anyone should date a friend’s sibling unless that relationship is gonna be serious…because of the potential for ruining the friendship and the relationship…and it sounds to me like this is a fun rebound fling at this point. If you wanted to take things seriously or cared about how this could affect your friendship, you’d have talked to your friend after the kiss and be taking this slowly out of respect for your friendship with S…which you didn’t do and are not doing.
Also you said that you had been unhappy and planned the break up with your ex-FI but then also said that you cannot say for sure you’re never going to get back together. Sorry, I don’t believe someone who planned out her break up would simply say “well, I can’t guarantee we won’t get back together” because that’s just setting up the possibility that you might. And you admit you’re not over your broken engagement…S’s brother sounds like your rebound relationship. S probably senses this and I think she is right to doubt you based on what you wrote.
I’m not saying you’re not within your rights to do what you’ve done…you’re consenting adults after all…but I think it shows impulsivity and disregard for aftereffects on you and S and J. If something did go wrong…I think it would definitely get weird with their family.
Post # 22
anabee323: Thanks. It really is helpful to hear a different opinion even if it’s not what I wanna hear, haha.
I would be lying if I said I was 100% over it. I mean, we were together for a long time (five years) and my ex has never done anything unforgiveable to me–I don’t hate him or have any reason to. I just wasn’t in love with him anymore and I wasn’t happy, which I admit, does make it a little harder. With that being said though, I’m in a place where I’m not tempted to contact him and haven’t been for months now, I don’t stalk his social media (lol) or anything like that and I definitely wouldn’t want to rub a relationship in his face. So I think I’m on the right track. When I say I can’t say for sure that I’d never get back with him, I just mean maybe years from now if we were both in different places in our lives, you never know. But I certainly don’t have any intentions or desire to get back with him and I’m not holding out hope that we will get back together, at all. Just trying to be honest with myself.
I can definitely see why you would think that though and I’m sure you’re right that she probably thinks it too. It’s really doesn’t feel like a rebound to me at all, but maybe I should give it some more time.
Post # 23
anabee323: how would she know if it is going to get serious without dating first? 🤔
OP, if you have strong feelings for this guy I would persue it. Friendships have the potential to end any number of ways, not just dating a sibling.
if you’ve truly never felt this way before I think you’d regret it if you don’t persue it. Not to mention what you would miss out on.
Post # 24
Go for it.
You’ll always wonder what if if you don’t.
But be prepared to possibly lose the friendship if things don’t work out – My now ex best friend dated my brother for over a year and when it ended, it all went to hell. Literally.
Post # 25
confusedbee2016: I have (briefly) dated a good friend’s brother. You are welcome to date S’s brother and it’s none of S’s business if you do. It wasn’t “behind her back” because it was none of her business.
S was WAY out of line asking you not to see him.
She won’t lose you as a friend if you break up. You won’t be able to hang out with her and her brother together, but you can hang out with her otherwise.
EDIT: It’s too late now, but it was a mistake telling her “things had happened”. Not only because you didn’t need to (because you and the brother are adults and don’t need her permission), but also because no one wants to hear about their brother’s sex life.
Post # 26
My husband had a fiancée 2 weeks before we met… he was well over it almost immediately though because she messed him around and he was just “done” with it. So I don’t think there’s a strict “too soon” for anything.
I’m glad you’ve decided to talk to her; I think that’s the best bet. I agree with PP’s that I’d have advised against starting anything, but now you’ve got this far I think you would always regret not following it through to the end, wherever that is. Best of luck! 🙂
Post # 27
I’ve honestly never understood whole “sibligs are off limits” or needing to talk to/ask permission before you date a friend’s sibling. I’m sorry, but everyone is a consenting adult and while a “hey I think I might be interested in your brother we’re going on a date” might be considerate at no point do I think that your friend should have a say in your love life.
My brother dated, and later married, one of my college roommates. We were never super close BFF’s, but lived together freshman year and kept in touch. My brother met her when she was in town for a visit and we had people for dinner that night. Apparently they must have hit it off. They became friends on facebook, and started dating not too long after. They were together at least 3 months before either of them told me. Granted, she’s not my BFF, but I really didn’t care. My brother has never gotten a say in my love life either (and trust me, I spent a lot of high school years hanging out with HIS friends…..haha). They ended up getting married.
OP – I think your friend is being a drama queen. Who her brother or her friend see is none of her business. I can understand maybe her feeling upset that you didn’t tell her simply because you’re close, but at the end of the day who you date is not her decision.
Post # 28
confusedbee2016: Your friend isn’t being fair. Wouldn’t she rather see her brother with a woman she knows and likes? I introduced my husband’s brother to my best friend of 10 years from college when she moved closeby and they are married now. I am so happy she is my sister in law. I never would have put my own feelings before hers – they both deserve to have what my husband and I have.