(Closed) Advice…Please!!!!

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
1359 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I know it sucks but I really think you need to have him take a DNA test and find out for sure. If he is the father, he should be in this little girl’s life. And if he’s not, you can move on and breathe a sigh of relief. It’s really the only right thing to do.

Post # 5
Member
7431 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

I wouldn’t do a paternity test unless she takes him for child support. Sure, the kid could be his, but if it is, then he will definitely have to pay some kind of support (not fair at all, but unfortunately that’s how the law works). I think if it were me, and I didn’t want a relationship with the child, I would just not do anything unless she takes action

Post # 6
Member
1562 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

The best thing is for your Darling Husband to man up and find out if this little girl is his.  If it is, it’s not the end of the world — you have a little girl to love.  If not, your mind will be clear.

But look, a lot of people make mistakes, condoms break — don’t use this as an excuse to not have children, if that is your wish.  

Post # 7
Member
6009 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

I really think he ought to start being proactive about this.  In my mind, the worst case scenario is that he keeps trying to ignore the situation, and the woman eventually takes him to court for a paternity test and back child support.  I think that situation would be way worse than doing the DNA test now and finding out 100% whether or not this baby is his daughter.

If you both love each other, and you’re willing to work through this, I don’t see why you couldn’t make it through this issue.  The truth is that marriage is just as much about dealing with difficult moments as it is enjoying the perfect moments.  This may change your relationship, but if you’re both willing to stay open with each other, and tackle it as a team, it doesn’t have to end your marriage.

Post # 8
Member
6015 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

He needs the paternity test done.  If it is his, they can go back and make him pay from birth to current.  The longer he waits the more $$ he’ll be in arears.

Post # 9
Member
271 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I hate to be mean… But you should be the one telling him to get a test and support his daughter and spend time with her! It is wrong no matter how she was conceived to not see nd support his daughter! Do the right thing! Stop being selfish!

Post # 10
Member
491 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

Definitely a tough situation to be in, but I do not think it is okay to just “ignore” the situation. Unfortunately he needs to be a grown up and handle the matter. This woman doesn’t sound like she is crazy or anything, and sounds like she would just like for him to be a part of her daughter’s life. Perhaps she wouldn’t even take him to court for child support, but if he were to get a DNA test and is the father, then as much as it would suck he should be held responsible for helping to support the child.

The mother didn’t plan it to go this way either, so it really isn’t fair for you to ignore the whole thing and make her bear the burden of solely providing for her daughter…

So sorry you’re having to deal with this though =[

Post # 12
Member
3220 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

I think you should get the DNA testing done just so you’ll be sure.  For all you know, she might not be his and then you don’t have to worry about this whole thing.  If she is his, you can proceed accordingly and he has to be responsible for his actions. With sex, comes children.  

As for whether you want to have children, that’s a personal decision.  If you want children for yourself, then you shouldn’t feel burdened by your partner’s past.  If you’d rather just have a childless marriage, that’s totally fine and lots of couple choose that route!

Post # 15
Member
3220 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

@So_Confused: You don’t have to support his decision to ignore the child if you don’t feel it’s right. You can tell him what you think he should do, and should he choose not to do it, you may just have to deal with that facet of his personality.  You can ask him questions about the situation to try to understand his point of view– why doesn’t he feel a responsibility to the child? 

I’d be less worried about money, court, or emotional baggage concerning your husbands actions– my questions wouldn’t be “aren’t you scared of her taking you to court later?” My real worry would be about the character of someone who wouldn’t stand up for his actions and wouldn’t get to know his daughter.  And it’s okay for you to tell him that if you feel similarly. 

You might want to look into counseling. I have no idea how to help you other than to say it’s okay for you to think your husband does shitty, irresponsible things in the sense that you don’t have to agree with or submit to him just because he’s your husband– you don’t have to sacrifice your character for his bad decisions. 

I also think it’s smart not to bring another child into the world with someone who won’t support his existing children.

Post # 16
Member
415 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

@So_Confused: It’s a tough situation and if you’ve ever known someone who doesn’t know their father, I hope you can understand Irene’s position.  It can really mess up a girl’s life, way more than yours would be if he had to pay child support.  It doesn’t mean you have to feel bad about it; she could definitely have made the point in a nicer way.  You didn’t ask for this or do anything to bring it on, but you did know it could be an issue before you got married, and one that I assume you felt you could handle.  Your feelings might change if you want to have kids later, sometimes when our expectations of how our lives will be are turned upside down we emotionally rebel automatically, only to find that it all works out just fine in the end.  Just remember who the real innocent is in all of this, and I’m sure you and your husband will do the right thing.

EDIT – I just noticed your last reply – if he does something you can’t live with, definitely get some counseling to help him understand where you’re coming from, and maybe a professional can get him to see why he should do the right thing.

The topic ‘Advice…Please!!!!’ is closed to new replies.

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