Post # 1
Member
1 posts
Wannabee
Hello Bees,
I am in need of advice. A little background on my relationship I am 26 and my SO is 30. We have been together for 4.5 years going on 5 next month. I know I want to spend the rest of my life with him; there is no doubt in my mind and heart that he is the one. In March, while on vacation he confessed his plan to propose this year, so you can imagine the surprise and excitement. Six months ago, he found flirty emails between a coworker (let’s call him Alex) and me. Before my SO read the emails I changed jobs and cut all contact with Alex. (This was a year ago) It took us a lot of time, patience, therapy and communication to get to where we are now. Our relationship feels better than it ever did and therapy has helped us overcome our issues. Last night, I asked him if he was still planning on proposing. His answer was understandable but disappointing. He said that he’s not sure about marriage right now and doesn’t see it happening anytime soon. I understand his hesitations but I can’t help and wonder if we’ll be together 6, 7, 8 years and still no proposal. I love him so much and would not leave him over this, but marriage is important to me and I would like to be married before starting a family. What would you do?
Post # 2
Member
5283 posts
Bee Keeper
crazyinlove12 :
You broke his trust and it was only six months ago. Of course he’s not ready to propose and I wouldn’t find it fair to ask him to agree to a timeline when you’ve recently been to therapy to move past your betrayal.
Things are going well and therapy helped you. Focus on that. It doesn’t matter that it’s been four and a half years, you started new after you broke his trust.
I guess, really, you’re in a brand new phase of your relationship. The emails were six months ago followed by what I assume to be a few months of therapy.
So things have only been great for a few months. Give it a lot of time and let it happen naturally.
Post # 3
Member
4366 posts
Honey bee
You screwed up. Frankly, you don’t have the right to expect timelines from him right now.
Post # 4
Member
10487 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
You screwed up.
It will likely take time for him to feel secure with you again if he ever does. He may realize down the road he can’t fully trust you again and then the relationship would never lead to marriage. The best you can do is spend every day trying to gain back the trust you broke, if that means you have to wait another two or three years to get married, then so be it.
If he was really “the one” for you and you couldn’t imagine anyone else then why did you betray him in the first place?
Post # 5
Member
161 posts
Blushing bee
Wouldn’t 6 months ago be right around March, the same time he was thinking of proposing? He’s going to need plenty of time and therapy with you to feel good about a proposal now.
Post # 6
Member
5472 posts
Bee Keeper
March was only 5 months ago, I’m assuming he told you he was going to propose BEFORE finding out about your emotional affair? It has just turned August, him finding your wasn’t that long ago and nothing is going to be healed yet. It’s no surprise he doesn’t want to propose now.
The ball is fully in his court now and I wouldn’t talk about marriage for a long time. You’re pretty much at year one of your relationship now.
Post # 7
Member
87 posts
Worker bee
YOU wouldn’t leave HIM over this?! Wow.
Post # 8
Member
1757 posts
Buzzing bee
6 months of therapy over flirty emails and he’s not over it? I’m going to disagree with previous posters and say he should be over it by now. You didn’t cheat. If the messages were just flirting and not nude pics or sexting, I think he should have forgiven you be now. He’s being unnecessarily lugubrious. You hurt his ego. I’d give him 3-6 more months and if the relationship isn’t back on track, it’s time to bounce. Marriages will have ups&downs just as hard as this- post pardum depression, finances, car wrecks, family deaths- if he can’t work thru this then what hope is there for a real tragedy?
Post # 9
Member
1385 posts
Bumble bee
Aw, man. That would so suck to be planning on proposing and getting excited to marry someone just to find out about their flirtation with a co-worker. Yes, it may have not been cheating, but if it was around the same time then maybe even thinking about proposing still reminds him of the emails. I would give him some more time.
Post # 10
Member
3086 posts
Sugar bee
March was 4-5 months ago, depending on the day. So did he find the emails before your vacation or after???
Post # 11
Member
3866 posts
Honey bee
- Wedding: April 2017 - City, State
You broke his trust. You need to wait to get that back. He can take as long as he wants to feel like he can trust you again. He can decide he’ll never be able to trust you again. You can also decide you don’t want to wait for him to trust you, but you don’t get to put a timer on his feelings. Wait or walk. Those are your options right now.
Post # 12
Member
2082 posts
Buzzing bee
crazyinlove12 : Here’s the thing. Saying you’ll work on something is not the same as actually doing the work and that doesn’t happen unless there’s an incentive to do so. Based on what you’ve said I’d say he’s hasn’t had any incentive to work on himself and doesn’t seem that committed to maintaining the relationship. However, I am a believer in therapy so I think you should at least try couples counseling. If he refuses to do that then I’d say your relationship is basically done as he would be showing a definitely clear lack of interest in committing to the relationship.
Post # 13
Member
5472 posts
Bee Keeper
sablescorpion22 : Why is it that the BF in this story needs to work on himself?
Post # 14
Member
161 posts
Blushing bee
zzar45 : I’m not sure she read the whole post.🤔
Post # 15
Member
464 posts
Helper bee
Agree. Give him some time to feel secure in this relationship again. You cheated and broke his trust. What if it was the other way around?
You are 100% sure he is the one, but he probably doesn’t feel the same.