Advise needed! My Mom wants to adopt again ….

posted 2 years ago in Adoption & Surrogacy
Post # 2
Member
696 posts
Busy bee

All you can do is point out the cycle to her and hope she sees it. If she refuses to see that, then guide your siblings as much as possible. Idk how your relationship with your mom should be going forward, I can’t say that it wouldn’t make me feel frustrated towards her.

Post # 4
Member
2318 posts
Buzzing bee

In my humble opinion I think you should voice your concerns and then keep your mouth shut.  Recognize that your moms heart is in the right place even though her execution is far from ideal.  You can not blame her for the poor choices of your siblings.  It is not her fault.  Hopefully she does all she can do to best support each child as she sees fit.  

Unless she has some other motivation for providing good homes to these children that is not as altruistic as it seems, I dont think the right thing to do is to end your relationship with your mom and the rest of your family. I do not think it is right to judge her either because parenting is a hard job and there is no one “right” way to do it.   

You didnt say she was abusive, or neglectful.  She is giving children from the foster care system a home.  She isnt a helicopter parent or a tiger mom, not all parents are or can afford to be even if they wanted to.  We all gotta take the hand we were delt with and figure it out as we go along, that goes for parents and children.  Eventhough the situation isnt the perfect family picture of Two Parents, 2.5 kida and a dog, its still a caring family.

Post # 6
Member
2318 posts
Buzzing bee

Nobody’s Perfect.  She sounds like a very caring person and so do you.  Some people like having big families and homes full of life.  You mom seems to be going about that in a fairly responsible way.  I can’t say the same for every one I have encountered in life. Some people collect a ton of dysfunctional relationshps along with the children.

Post # 7
Member
1544 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

Hmmm, i dont want to seem like an asshole or anything for what im going to say, but. have you thoughts that… maybe, perhaps… your mother could have some sort of disorder?

Dont get me wrong! but it looks like she just likes getting “new” kids and the thrill that comes with it and therefore neglects the rest of you. She already has 3-4 children who are having issues of different kinds and instead of trying to get them help she wants new ones… THREE new kids nonetheless.

Also, you don’t mention her age, could she be capable of taking care for four kids by herself?

Personally I think she should go to therapy to see WHY does she feel the need to have more and more children while the others need her attention.

Im so sorry for what i wrote, but maybe it rings a bell? I mean, it could be serious. I don’t mean to offend in any way.

Post # 8
Member
1042 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

Honestly, I would focus on the positive actions that you can take yourself. What can you do to help your brother Isaiah?

Post # 9
Member
885 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

So many questions…So she would have ten kids? Is there a father figure in the picture? How is she affording college for all of these kids? Is it possible she is “adopting” just to get money from the state?

Post # 11
Member
497 posts
Helper bee

Support your brother as best you can. If your chooses to adopt that is her choice. she is an adult. I sure any sociala gency would be asking  A LOT of questions before anychild is considered for adoption. You need to be truthfu if you are interviewed..

Post # 13
Member
739 posts
Busy bee

I think you need to be careful blaming your sibling’s lifestyle and problem with the law on your mother. 

She is a stay at home mum and I don’t think 5 children in the house is an unmanageable amount. 

Personally, I think it’s admirable that your mum wants to give these adopted children a better life and I’m surprised people are advocating therapy based on the information in your post. 

Post # 14
Member
2731 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

whnlz :  Thank you, this is exactly what I was thinking. Some kids grow up with much worse problems than “having too many siblings”, and still do not have trouble with the law. Maybe your brother Sol would have had problems regardless. 

Maybe your mother doesn’t have serious issues and genuinely wants to give these children a better life, especially as most people don’t adopt older children. 

Post # 15
Member
1764 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

For some women mothering is an absolute integral part of their identity. When the kids get older and more independant, they start to lose part of who they are as a person.

Not necessarily a bad thing, but certainly maybe good to consider. 

I have to echo PP: parenting is not an exact science. With “benign neglect” (if that even exists), which you seem to be suggested has happened in your family at an emotional level is still a whole lotta room for kids to grow up whole (or not.) Even with the most attentive parenting things go wrong. Kids don’t reach their potential. Kids fail to become successful adults. Especially adoptees.

I am not gonna say I think the situation is ideal. But it’s not really the worst I’ve ever heard (and trust me, anything keeping kids outta foster situations and offering them safety, care and respect is super in my book!)

I want to add you sound like a super loving daughter and sister. Your concern seems to be coming from a really loving place. Kudos to you!

 

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