Advise needed! My Mom wants to adopt again ….

posted 2 years ago in Adoption & Surrogacy
Post # 19
Member
2868 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

tiffy127 :  I would be concerned but I also think what she is doing is awesome. These are older children who would probably not have much of a shot of being adopted together and staying a family. 

Post # 20
Member
1759 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

tiffy127 :  yeah, 12 is pretty early. My last child (15) is still very emotionally dependant and in great need of connection and guidance. I think that’s pretty normal.

Well, while I don’t think it’s a great strategy (especially because, eventually she really will have to find another way to deal with changing roles) I guess there isn’t much you personally can do except try to be honest, supportive and helpful in whatever ways direct her to a positive outcome. 

Maybe keep speaking your heart as non judgmentally as possible and offer insights to her. 

At the end of the day, this isn’t the biggest catastrophe while not being optimal for her or the kids involved. C’est la vie. It’s her life.

Best of luck to you!

Post # 21
Member
9435 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

If you honestly think the children are being neglected mentally/emotionally then I would call whatever agency she uses and express your concerns.

Post # 22
Member
9172 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

Out of curiosity, how is your mom able to financially afford to adopt so many kids so quickly?  i know people who have struggled with infertility for years and want to adopt.  it is 3x more expensive than IVF and there is a LONG process to go through.  i know many, many families who have waited years and never had success with adoption.

 

on the otherhand, i know a few families who have grown children and after their children were out of the house, fostered to adopt special needs children.  (i met these families bc my brother has spina bifida)

 

is your mom single?  insanely wealthy?  knowing the challenges that couples i know go through and how rigorious adoption can be, meeting with social workers, home studies.  it shocks me how often and easily it seems your mom is able to adopt children.

Post # 23
Member
1988 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

tiffy127 :  I think you can’t blame your mom solely for how your brother turned out. You’ve said yourself that you experienced a similar things of being detached about age 12 but you haven’t turned out like your brother. You’ve got your shit together and sure some of that is the environment you grew up in but some of it is you. He might feel that your mom is the reason but sometimes we aren’t able to admit it’s also ourselves that has held us back (or pushed ourselves forward in your case).

What is kind of worrying is that she has admitted she sees the kids as fully grown at 12 and is planning on adopting a 10 year old. I don’t think it’s fair to adopt a kid at 10, who has been through god-knows-what, to then lose all interest after two years. Is there a way that you can get to see that these kids still need input, still need direction? Will she listen?

Post # 24
Member
704 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

I don’t know…that’s a tough spot. I think there definitely seems to be some issues at play with your mom and her need for love from new children. I guess I don’t share the same opinion as a lot of people…I don’t think it’s right to adopt kids like that, and neglect the ones she has just because they’ve gotten too old to be totally dependent on her considering kids still have lots of emotional needs from their parents well into their teens. Sounds like she’d be better off opening a daycare where the kids just move on to school when they’re older rather than adopt children.

Post # 25
Member
2052 posts
Buzzing bee

Is she very religious or devout? You mentioned Eli, Isaiah and Sol to name a few– all biblical names.

I know a lot of churches really preach charity and taking in the sick/hurting, and your mom might feel like childcare is her calling..

Also, it sounds like there’s been other factors impacting the household (death of a 2nd husband? was he the father of your brothers?) that could also contribute to the “downfall” of your siblings. But look at it this way– YOU were raised by your mom and seem to be well adjusted, loved and overall and productive member of society. She obviously did something right, there. But if your ADULT siblings or even older teenage siblings want to expirment with drugs or make other questionable choices, that ultimately becomes their choice and blaming mom for not giving them enough attention is a cop out, IMO.

Post # 28
Member
54 posts
Worker bee

Honestly she kind of sounds like those animal hoarders who think they’re rescuing every animal they take in only to neglect them when they’re stretched too thin. Good intentions, but lacks the skills/commitment/resources to do it right.

Post # 29
Member
57 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: February 2011

Perhaps you need to be frank with your mother.  She sounds like a good person, but she seems to be lacking some skills as a mother.  She is not the only one to blame with the failure of the children, but she currently has 7 children and two are doing well in life.  Letting 12 year olds raise themselves is a major issue.  She should focus on the children she curremtly have in her care especially the youngest which she has from day one. 

You seem to be an exceptional example since you overcame emotional abandonment at such a young age.  I doubt that I could be so self efficient.  A lot of people would fail at that task especially children who have been through a lot per to arriving in her home.  

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