(Closed) Afraid he won’t want to marry me now…

posted 7 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
860 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Awww, I’m sorry that you’re going throught this.  I wouldn’t move in with him if he isn’t “sure” about you.  In this scenario, I think moving in could really prolong getting engaged.

I don’t know much about yoru background… how long have you guys been together and how old are you?

It is always good to be open and to continue to discuss your ideas and expectations about marriage.  Did he explain why he can’t see a future sometimes?  Maybe that would be helpful.

Bottom line, is that you deserve someone who is “sure” about you.   If this is causing problems for you and yoru relationship, you need to talk to him about it.

Post # 4
Member
1278 posts
Bumble bee

Oh honey I have mini meltdowns almost every week and my BF has been really, really patient.  Finally he told me a couple of days ago to let it go and trust him.  I know he wants to marry me but I have the same insecurities because he doesn’t bring it up all the time and doesn’t really talk about it.  That is just the way he is and I’m one of those folks who needs reassurance so I have a hard time 🙁

What helps me is reading books like His Cold Feet and also trying to maintain faith and have a positive attitude.  I’m not moving in though until we are engaged.  He continues to ask me but I told him to stop because if I agreed to do that I would be expecting a proposal before I moved in or shortly after and I might strangle him in the meantime if he didn’t haha!  I just couldn’t handle that stress on top of everything else.

Hang in there! 

Post # 6
Member
1278 posts
Bumble bee

Ohhhh have fun on your trip!  It helps to do things together that are distracting.  We are going to play trivia tonight at a local bar.  Just do some fun stuff and laugh!

Post # 9
Member
1278 posts
Bumble bee

I’ll be 33 and I’m ready to get this relationship moving!

Post # 10
Member
3588 posts
Sugar bee

I hope y’all both get to relax this weekend. It’s always nice to do stuff together and enjoy each other but it gets your mind off the engagement!

Oh, so feel the same way about babies! I just tell him to hurry if he wants 6. I’m stopping at 34. 🙂 LOL

Post # 12
Member
477 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Oh Dreaming – How I can understand how you feel! Now I don’t really expect your situation to go down like mine did… but I’ll give you the worst of it. If you can see what happened with me and be okay with it, then you’re ready for just about anything with him. Conversation wise, or moving in wise….

BF and I have been together 3.5 (today) but we both graduated and accepted jobs in the same town when we were just shy of 2 years together. I shared with him, that I was opposed to living together before getting engaged. He felt that he needed to live with me to feel more secure and enable him to make the decision to get engaged. So I moved in, thinking, he knows my expectation and if this is what he needs, he’ll figure it out soon and that will be that. Gosh was I wrong. One year later, with a TON of resentment and a total breakdown in communication, I moved out. 

We’ve had a lot of talks about it and are very clear about where we are now. I told him, by moving in with him, I was ready to get married, I wouldn’t have done it if I didn’t see him as that person for me. He says he just didn’t see moving in together the same way. So I expected that a year was reasonable to expect for him to propose… and the further it seemed we moved away from that, the more resentful I got, and the less likely it got that he would propose – because I was an awful person tobe around. See Miss Octopus’ post on this. She really hit home with me.

That being said, my moving out really hit him hard. It was the first time he felt abandoned by me, and made him realize that I was not something to be given up so easily and put on the back burner. So today, we are in a great place. Have great conversations about what happened, how we got there, how we keep from going there again, and what our future looks like.

My moral of the story is: never be scared to be up front and have those hard conversations early on. Ask him to be clear, and direct. Share with him your expectations, and how unfulfilled expectations can lead to disaster in a relationship. Hard conversation, although not easy, seem to always help couples define their relationship and create a new level of intimacy.

I hope this helps in some way and that I’m not just rambling on about my situation. But someone once told me “I wise person learns from their mistakes, a genius learns from the mistakes of others”

Post # 13
Member
1154 posts
Bumble bee

I want to weight in with a different perspective.  In your situation if I didn’t know your feelings on moving in/engagement I’d advise you to move in together.  I think moving in can be really helpful and crystalize if this is right or not, if the two of you can be a family.  But I never put that much pressure on the moving in decision.  And this is just an anecdote but I have a good friend (who’s an amazing person) who’s always said that the decision to move in to her is extremly important and meaninful and means she intends to marry the guy.  She’s lived with two guys so far (and is currently single) and I’m marrying the first guy I lived with.  Obviously the two guys caused her a lot of pain (though she’s better off without them IMO).  But my point is that these things can’t really be planned to the last detail – sometimes it makes a lot of sense to go with the flow and do what seems right/to fit.

If you aren’t comfortable moving in – you shouldn’t do it.  But if you want to move and  he wants to move in together – I think not doing it for non religious reasons would be an artificial imposition on a relationship and not good for the relationship.

There’s nothing saying you can’t move out later if that seems best.

Post # 16
Member
1854 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

What I find is that men tend to break down every little detail and analyse each of them before making a decision, while women will see the big picture make a decision, and figure out the little details down the road.

I would try to find out what exactly he is not sure about, then have the tough discussions on those specific aspects. That way it either reassures him, or it makes you see that the details can not be figured out – and it’s good to find that out before getting married.

My DH was worried about things that were really specific, that to me, were non-issues… We discussed it in and out, came to agreements and it all worked out for us.

Also, definitely do not move in if you both don’t have the same expectations from it, which you do not seem to… It only leads to resentment and unhappiness in the relationship.

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