- 7 years ago
- Wedding: September 2014
Regular bee gone anon. Sorry this is so long.
I am so full of shame.
I am engaged to a wonderful man. A great guy. Who loves me more then he has ever thought he had the capacity to love someone.
But…oh god, this sucks…I am scared I have feelings for my friend.
A little info:
Friend and I went to university together and now work together in our chosen field. We see each other at least twice a week. And when we see each other, the heat is palpable. It’s steamy. We got chemistry up the yinyang. When we were in school I was with someone and he was with someone but everyone could tell we had heat. During school I was only single and eligible for about a summer, and I always joke about how he missed the window.
I met my now-fiance. Our chemistry is something that we work on. It isn’t an all-consuming flame. Because of my fiance’s past he had to learn to be open with me about his feelings/wants/desires. I am a very “giving” person but he doesn’t like to tell and can be very vanilla, in our adult relationship. Fine, I deal. I am not shallow or led by my groin. We learn to be with each other. We moved in after much financial difficulty. About a year and a half ago I saw him try to start something online with an old fling of his, even though the chick didn’t go for it. I became irate but we worked through it and our relationship was so much stronger. I will admit, I am not the type of girl, physically, that he always envisioned himself with, and I knew that! But I thought that was shallow and we worked past it.
My Fiance never had much growing up in the way of possessions or affection, so being with me, so full of affection has been good for him. This is the first stable home he has had in a VERY long time.
And are now engaged.
Right before we got engaged, when I knew the ring had been purchased, I had a freakout over wither we were doing the right thing. If I was doing the right thing being with my Fiance (and not my friend, that traitorous voice in my head screamed). I pushed it back, rationalized it, and made list upon list about how my Fiance is better then my Friend. I thought that was the end of it.
Lets fast forward to 2-3 weeks ago. The heat between my Friend and I is boiling. We were on break from work and when we got back we were ridiculously happy to see each other! We have always been very “friendly” and “comfortable” around each other. When he would talk about his troubles finding a girl he would describe a fantasy girl…and I swear bees, he’s talking about me. Lately when we talk, he is talking about how beautiful I am, how lucky my Fiance is, how I should be told every day how amazing I am…all that good sh*t girls want to hear.
I feel so horrible, because it sounds so nice coming from my friend’s lips.
I distance myself from my friend as much as possible, which is super hard because we work together at job we both love. I get married to my Fiance, then years from now the sexual flame between us goes from a tempid flame, completely out. We have a happy, predictable, safe, passionless marriage.
My Fiance and I break up. I have to kick him out of my apt, to which my Fiance has no other place to go. I am scared if we were to break up he would do something rash…because he has had a rough time this year. Do you get what I am saying, bees?
I can’t afford my place by myself.
My friend could not afford to live with me. I know this because we’ve spoken about how much he would be able to contribute to rent if he were to leave his mom’s house, and it isn’t enough for where I currently live.
In order for my friend and I to “be together” I would have to absolutely rip out the heart of my Fiance, throw it on the floor, stomp on it, and then toss it in the trash….and I just CAN’T do it!
God I think I am a horrible person.
I haven’t done anything wrong. Have not committed any kind of infidelity.
My parent’s LOVE my friend. My mom even goes to say how hot he is. It really makes it embarrassing for me because I am with my FI!
And lately my Fiance has been super wonderful. And I will admit I have been distancing myself from him, and the crazy thing is that he LIKES it. He hates it when I am super gushy around him. My Friend loves the attention and affection.
I wish I didn’t feel this way.
Do you bees have any advice?
I want to be with my Fiance. I want to do right by him. But I also Want to do right by myself