Post # 1
My better half recently lost his only sister, and when we were home with his mother, she told him that she had his grandmother’s engagement and wedding rings for whenever he decided to propose to me. (We’ve discussed getting engaged, it’s not a big secret, we’re just saving a wedding account now.) I love vintage jewelry, and I think the rings would be from around 1950, which is a time period I love, but I’m worried that it will be of yellow gold- which I really really really dislike. Anything else I am sure wouldn’t bother me- the cut, the size, the style, I’m not picky about, but I’m quite pale and yellow gold has always looked horrid on me. I feel like I should be happy with whatever he gives me, but previously he asked me if I preferred white or yellow gold and we both said that we like white gold better. I’m sure that he wouldn’t be upset on his own behalf if I suggested resetting the heirloom diamond in a new white gold setting, but his mother- whom has a very… strong… personality, would most likely make the rest of the engagement, if not the rest of my life a living hell if I suggested changing the rings at all. I tried to reconcile myself to the idea of yellow gold with the comfort of the thought of at least getting to pick out the wedding band, but she expects him to use his grandmothers wedding band too. And she’s not the type of person you can sit down with and say something like “I really appreciate you offering us your mother’s ring, I love the idea of wearing her stone, but we’d like to update it so it represents us as individuals as well as her and you.” She would just be yelling the whole time. Any advice on how to handle it? (I apologize if I sound really materialistic. I just want everyone to be happy and have a ring that I don’t hate on my hand for the rest of my life.)
Post # 3
Take it and put the setting in a safe deposite box. Buy your own set.
Post # 4
I know you don’t want to do this, but the time to start standing up for your wishes is now- you need to set a precedent.
She is your Future Mother-In-Law. There are going to be times in the future where she will have strong opinions on what the two of you should and shouldn’t do as a couple, and it’ll be a lot easier for you now if the two of you present a united front and make it clear that you will be making your own decisions.
Otherwise, you’re going to have to make a stand somewhere- whether it’s three years from now when she doesn’t want your Darling Husband to take that job and move across country, five years from now when she tells you that the names you want for your kids are wrong, or eight years from now when she’s criticizing your parenting.
Do yourself a favor- try to be sensitive, of course. Perhaps have a white gold setting made that EXACTLY mirrors the design of the yellow gold ring that belonged to his grandmother. Have her old setting turned into a RHR with his grandmother’s birth stone in it. Something thoughtful- but make sure it’s your OWN decision and not your FMIL’s.
Post # 5
Can you just have it rhodium plated?
Post # 6
@les105: This would also be a viable option, but…
Even white gold (especially depending on your body chemistry and how hard you are on your jewelry) will begin to yellow over time, and will need to be re-dipped every couple of years. (Some bees say that they have to get their white gold rings re-dipped every year, but my personal experience is that I can have it done about once every three years.)
Yellow gold, while it could be rhodium plated, will begin to show through pretty quickly. (And re-dipping costs somwhere around $35-$50 every time.)
I guess it depends on how often you’d be willing to go get it re-plated.
Post # 7
Were you guys planning on purchasing a ring before she offered that one? If so, I would let your Fiance go ahead and purchase something that you would like and have him tell his mom and he wanted to give you something that was more your style. You guys are going to have to start putting your foot down and this is the best time.
Post # 8
Jeez- what kind of person pushes their desires so strongly on others??? Gifts with strings attached are the worst kind. I think this is something your Fiance needs to handle. He should explain to mom that he wants to use the diamonds to make something special and unique while still keeping gram close by. As an adult man, he should be able to be firm enough to get the point across.
The only other option is to wear gram’s ring for the engagement & get your own band for the wedding. You can explain that you guys want brand new rings for a brand new marriage or something. I understand it coil be tough to be totally honest under these circumstances.
Post # 9
@rachelmichelle: I agree. I’m totally not into confrontation and don’t get how some people just SAY things but you really do have to think about the long-term impact. If your Mother-In-Law gets her way all the time, you are going to have a horrid time planning the wedding. Ok so that’s not a big deal maybe (I certainly dont care THAT much about my wedding) but if you want kids — do you want this woman to have a say in how you raise them? It’s your BF’s job to deal with this so don’t take it on yourself. Let him stand up to his mom on your behalf. My Fiance gets pretty annoyed with me and we even fight about it but then he ALWAYS has my back when it actually comes to talking to his mom. It’s not like it’s fun for him either, she’s a nice lady after all, but that’s just the way it has to be. Only one woman can be in charge of critical decisions and it can’t be his mom!
As for the ring: I’d just get it dipped. I dont think resetting it is a great idea bc then the old setting is just lost – it’s not like you’d put a different stone in it. I dunno, I’m pale and only wear yellow gold (e-ring aside) so I’d take it as is! 🙂
Post # 10
I’m fairly certain all white gold jewelry is yellow gold jewelry that’s been plated, so wear time shouldn’t differ. All white gold will need redipped.
eta I stand corrected, there are apparently other methods but it’s extremely uncommon
Post # 11
@les105: Yes, gold is yellow for sure
Post # 12
have it dipped. BAM! White gold.
I’m jealous, frankly/ I would have loved to have been proposed to with a family ring. Lucky girl!
Post # 13
@les105: Actually, 14 karat white gold is only 58.8% yellow gold. ^^
White gold is made by mixing yellow gold with other metals such as nickel and silver, not by plating yellow gold.
Post # 14
@rachelmichelle: I have to weigh in here. My vintage e-ring was my grandmother’s, and she passed away around 1971. The ring is 14K and it spent 40 years in a box until I got engaged in 2011. While I don’t know anything about rhodium dips and what might cause the need for them (is it just age, or age plus wear, or just wear?), I can tell you with certainty that this ring has never been rhodium dipped, and it is still as white as it ever was.
Post # 15
- Wedding: October 2014 - Disney
You can have the ring dipped in rhodium plating if it is yellow gold.
Post # 16
My mum has an antique Edwardian white gold ring and it looks silverish without a tinge of yellow even though she wears it often and it is that old. I have never heard of white gold losing its colour…