Post # 1
I’ve been engaged since 2.14.09. My mom and dad are divorced (it was messy- he cheated – 20 years later she still can’t stand him) My mom told me as soon as I got engaged that she would not attend my wedding if my Dad was present. (I’m and only child and was always put in the middle during their marriage) Dad and I have worked hard to mend our fences and have a healthy relationship. My mom and I do not have a healthy relationship – and never have. She has always been physically and emotionally abusive. I’m also upset that my mom would ask me to choose. Dad’s wife will attend and my step-sister will be a bridesmaid. So with FI’s support and counseling I began to accept the fact that my mom would not attend my wedding. In fact, no one on my mom’s side even acknowledged that I was engaged – so I assumed that they would not attend. I’ve endured 12+ months of friends asking if she would attend and seeing the pity in their eyes when I said no.
For whatever reason last March my mom decided not to have anything to do with me – until last month. My grandmother –(her mother) is here visiting for a few weeks. Now that my grandmother and mother have seen the wedding venue and some of the wedding plans (my house is full of decorations) they want to attend the wedding. They’ve practically invited themselves and others so that they will have “reinforcements”.
Here’s the thing. We are getting married at a beach house and will stay at the house with our family for a week. My dad who has supported me and my FI from day one was immediately invited to stay the week with us. Call me cynical, but I honestly believe that my mom and grandmother (God bless ‘em) want to attend because they want a “free” vacation. My mom has even asked what kind of special acknowledgement of her we planned for the wedding ceremony. My mom is insanely jealous, has a quick temper, can be very self centered and I fully expect her to “lose it” at the wedding when she sees my dad and his wife. This would be the first time she has seen them in 20 years!
My FI does not want her there. He hates confrontations and feels that we will both be so stressed out that we won’t enjoy the ceremony. Part of me feels duty bound to have her there. Part of me feels guilty for not wanting her there. If by some miracle she doesn’t start a HUGE argument during the ceremony or reception, she will spend the entire evening trying to make me feel guilty if she thinks I am enjoying myself or spending too much time with my dad or FI’s family. We’re also concerned because we have restrictions on how many people can be in the house where we are having the ceremony. We are less than 90 days away and have already finalized our invitations list. We cannot add mom and posse to the list without removing other supports and friends from the list.
This is a MESS!!! What should I do?
Post # 3
Wow!! That’s a lot to swallow. You and FI need to tell your mom and grandmother that they are welcome. but the posse is not. Also, tell them you are not paying the bill for their “free” vacation.
I know what it feels like to be caught in the middle but you need to remove yourself from it. Before it only affected you, now it’s affecting FI and yourself. You worked hard to have your day and you deserve to have it stress free.
Your wedding is not the appropriate place for your mother to release 20 years of emotion towards your dad. Pick up the phone and let her know that you have 2 spots for her and your grandmother and no one else. Any one who is not on the list that shows up will be asked to leave. Don’t back down because it’s unfair to you, your FI and people that you feel deserve to be witness to this.
I really hopes it works out for you, regardless now is the time to put up boundaries and let people know when and how they will be welcomed in your life.
Post # 4
I’m not sure why you would want a relationships with someone who
1- Abused you
2- went through a period where she wanted nothing to do with you
3- has caused strif in your relationship
I know it is your Mom, but…she doesn’t sound like much of a mom to me. Some people are just toxic. If it were me, I’d cut her off.
Post # 5
I agree with MAlove – add your mom and grandmother, but no one else, and definitely do not pay for her to attend, or invite her to stay at the house with you all.
Also, at the actual wedding, can you ask a friend, cousin, or sibling to be on “Mom Duty” – basically just make sure that she is behaving herself? Can you send her an email beforehand that explains that you expect her to behave? Or a phone call, but that might be more difficult if you’re being emotionally bullied.
Post # 6
Well, it sounds like your mother is a bad tempered mother (just from what you post). I wouldn’t spend any time catering to her wishes and just say she is not invited. Then I’d wash my hands of her completely. But…I have done this with family members, so that is just my personality.
I WOULD tell her upfront though she is only welcome if she behaves. One nasty comment and you will throw her out…calling the cops if you have to. If you have a planner, tell them to take care of it and then let your mother know the planner has no problem kicking her out since this is YOUR day. Then she can choose to act with grace and enjoy your wedding or throw a tantrum and be escorted out.
Post # 7
It sounds like your mom likes conferntation now that you are about to get married now she wants to be in your life?
I would tell her that she is invited but the posse is not also.
if u do not invite her you might regret it for a long time.
And i would tell her that everyone is paying their way it got changed at the last minute she might not want to pay the fee. i am sorry uyou two dont have a good relationship i know how you feel your mom sounds a little like my mom but her and myu dad are together and he is physically and emotionally abusive i feel your pain i am sorry you are going throught this but this is definatly YOUR day!!
Post # 8
I know she is your mom, but she doesn’t deserve to be at your wedding. I wouldn’t invite her.
Post # 9
Wow, I’m sorry you’re dealing with this right now.
I think you need to decide if you want her there. She is your mother but you have gone through H*LL dealing with her. Maybe your therapist (if you’re still in counseling) could help you decide?
If you do decide to invite her and your grandmother, I would not allow “reinforcements” and I would also tell them they need to find a place to stay.
It is incredibly unfortunate that a parent would behave this way. Personally, I wouldn’t want her there. Especially, after cutting ties with you during the planning process. It’s not fair to you, your FI and the rest of your family that has been so supportive. You deserve better on your wedding day.
Post # 10
If you DO invite her, I wouldnt invite her to stay at the house with everyone else, she should need to make her own accommodations and pay for them as well. I also wouldnt let them invite any other guests, this is your wedding, not hers. And since she hasnt supported you I dont think she really has a say in it. If your dad wanted to invite more people, Id totally let him 🙂 I also agree that you should have someone be on the lookout for anything that might happen and intervene. Im sorry you have to go through this, I hope everything works out for you and your family!
Post # 11
If you choose to invite her, I’d invite her only to the ceremony and the reception – forget about the house rental. The wedding starts at 3, ends at 10, see you there. And ditto serasvictoria – “One mean thing out of your mouth and you’re gone.” Unless you really don’t want her there.. then you have one terribly uncomfortable conversation ahead of you that would be hard to have, but worth it if that’s how you truly feel.
Post # 12
My grandmother plans to attend the wedding – without “the crew”
After my Mother got into an argument with her own mother (my grandmother) at a family cookout – I realized that she would not be able to control her emotions at the wedding. And once she began to make snide remarks about not feeling comfortable that other members of my dad’s family planned to attend the wedding, I asked her to skip the wedding. We offered her a private wedding celebration at a later date, with her friends and family and an opportunity to participate in a small ceremony (marriage blessing) at our church. Her reply: “That means nothing to me.” She said that she needs time to process this and hasn’t spoken to me since.
Oddly enough, I feel relieved! But I am asking for prayers that she will not attempt anything on the day of.
Thank each and everyone of you – your support makes a difference!
Post # 13
I am very sorry that you are going through this. But its for the best. You will have a more peaceful and enjoyable wedding without her. It does sound like she was coming to be supportive anyway, but to have bragging rights to say my daughter is getting married. Don’t worry about her, she does not sound like a nice person anyway and trust me you will still have Gods Blessing for your marriage. Enjoy your wedding and keep your head up…It will be okay…
Post # 14
I’m so sorry you have to go through this! I’m hoping your day is beautiful and problem-free!
Post # 15
@alfabettezoope: well, look at the brightside: you won’t have to worry about her ruining your day!!! 😀
seriously, though, I am sorry you have to deal with all this strife and stress and a non-supportive mother. Perhaps this is meant as a sign for you to wash your hands of her and her…. ah… unworthy ways. (I’m TRYING to be nice, really!!! there are sooo many other words I could’ve used!!! 😉 )
hope you have the wedding you and your FI have dreamed and planned for!!! WITHOUT any unwelcomed guests popping up out of the woodwork! 🙂
Post # 16
Boy! I am going through the same thing with my dad! I don’t know whether or not to out and out say they are emotionally abusive, but they did abuse parental rights, and they did mistreat my brother and me(for some reason he chooses not to remember a lot of what happened) I am glad you seem to have come to a type of peace about it all! I am still trying to sort through what I think is right vs what feel is easier. My dad takes the easy way…always…and he is not a person I want to be like. When you got counseling, did it help? I am leaning towards not inviting them…(wedding is just past 2 months off…) but I am afraid it will cause another rift between my brother and me! I have asked him to walk me down the aisle, and he said of course, but now that I am choosing the “no invite” path, I am worried about how to talk to my brother about how I feel…I’m not angry at them, just as you don’t really seem angry with your mom, just kind of done with it all. 🙂 Thanks for the post and update! I really hope your day is a dream come true…to be honest…it’s nice to feel like I’m not crazy, and that this is not uncommon…sad, but I think we are all in this together and I think it’s great that there is an anonymous (and free!) way to get stuff off our chest and get some good advice and sound support. 🙂