(Closed) Afraid of a family brawl at the wedding (kinda long)

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
94 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Wow!! That’s a lot to swallow. You and FI need to tell your mom and grandmother that they are welcome. but the posse is not.  Also, tell them you are not paying the bill for their “free” vacation.

I know what it feels like to be caught in the middle but you need to remove yourself from it. Before it only affected you, now it’s affecting FI and yourself. You worked hard to have your day and you deserve to have it stress free.

Your wedding is not the appropriate place for your mother to release 20 years of emotion towards your dad. Pick up the phone and let her know that you have 2 spots for her and your grandmother and no one else. Any one who is not on the list that shows up will be asked to leave. Don’t back down because it’s unfair to you, your FI and people that you feel deserve to be witness to this.

I really hopes it works out for you, regardless now is the time to put up boundaries and let people know when and how they will be welcomed in your life.

Post # 4
Member
1641 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I’m not sure why you would want a relationships with someone who

1- Abused you

2- went through a period where she wanted nothing to do with you

3- has caused strif in your relationship

I know it is your Mom, but…she doesn’t sound like much of a mom to me. Some people are just toxic. If it were me, I’d cut  her off.

Post # 5
Member
385 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

I agree with MAlove – add your mom and grandmother, but no one else, and definitely do not pay for her to attend, or invite her to stay at the house with you all.

Also, at the actual wedding, can you ask a friend, cousin, or sibling to be on “Mom Duty” – basically just make sure that she is behaving herself?  Can you send her an email beforehand that explains that you expect her to behave?  Or a phone call, but that might be more difficult if you’re being emotionally bullied.

 

Post # 6
Member
612 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

Well, it sounds like your mother is a bad tempered mother (just from what you post). I wouldn’t spend any time catering to her wishes and just say she is not invited. Then I’d wash my hands of her completely. But…I have done this with family members, so that is just my personality.

I WOULD tell her upfront though she is only welcome if she behaves. One nasty comment and you will throw her out…calling the cops if you have to. If you have a planner, tell them to take care of it and then let your mother know the planner has no problem kicking her out since this is YOUR day. Then she can choose to act with grace and enjoy your wedding or throw a tantrum and be escorted out.

Post # 7
Member
61 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

It sounds like your mom likes conferntation now that you are about to get married now she wants to be in your life?

I would tell her that she is invited but the posse is not also.

if u do not invite her you might regret it for a long time.

 

And i would tell her that everyone is paying their way it got changed at the last minute she might not want to pay the fee. i am sorry uyou two dont have a good relationship i know how you feel your mom sounds a little like my mom but her and myu dad are together and he is physically and emotionally abusive i feel your pain i am sorry you are going throught this but this is definatly YOUR day!!

 

Post # 8
Member
435 posts
Helper bee

I know she is your mom, but she doesn’t deserve to be at your wedding.  I wouldn’t invite her.

Post # 9
Member
2204 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Wow, I’m sorry you’re dealing with this right now.

I think you need to decide if you want her there. She is your mother but you have gone through H*LL dealing with her. Maybe your therapist (if you’re still in counseling) could help you decide?

If you do decide to invite her and your grandmother, I would not allow “reinforcements” and I would also tell them they need to find a place to stay.

It is incredibly unfortunate that a parent would behave this way. Personally, I wouldn’t want her there. Especially, after cutting ties with you during the planning process. It’s not fair to you, your FI and the rest of your family that has been so supportive. You deserve better on your wedding day.

 

Post # 10
Member
2682 posts
Sugar bee

If you DO invite her, I wouldnt invite her to stay at the house with everyone else, she should need to make her own accommodations and pay for them as well.  I also wouldnt let them invite any other guests, this is your wedding, not hers.  And since she hasnt supported you I dont think she really has a say in it.  If your dad wanted to invite more people, Id totally let him 🙂  I also agree that you should have someone be on the lookout for anything that might happen and intervene.  Im sorry you have to go through this, I hope everything works out for you and your family!

Post # 11
Member
3125 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

If you choose to invite her, I’d invite her only to the ceremony and the reception – forget about the house rental. The wedding starts at 3, ends at 10, see you there. And ditto serasvictoria – “One mean thing out of your mouth and you’re gone.” Unless you really don’t want her there.. then you have one terribly uncomfortable conversation ahead of you that would be hard to have, but worth it if that’s how you truly feel.

Post # 13
Member
35 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: November 2010

I am very sorry that you are going through this. But its for the best. You will have a more peaceful and enjoyable wedding without her. It does sound like she was coming to be supportive anyway, but to have bragging rights to say my daughter is getting married. Don’t worry about her, she does not sound like a nice person anyway and trust me you will still have Gods Blessing for your marriage. Enjoy your wedding and keep your head up…It will be okay…

Post # 14
Member
1067 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I’m so sorry you have to go through this! I’m hoping your day is beautiful and problem-free!

Post # 15
Member
3866 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

@alfabettezoope: well, look at the brightside: you won’t have to worry about her ruining your day!!! 😀

seriously, though, I am sorry you have to deal with all this strife and stress and a non-supportive mother.  Perhaps this is meant as a sign for you to wash your hands of her and her…. ah… unworthy ways.  (I’m TRYING to be nice, really!!!  there are sooo many other words I could’ve used!!! 😉 ) 

hope you have the wedding you and your FI have dreamed and planned for!!!  WITHOUT any unwelcomed guests popping up out of the woodwork! 🙂

Post # 16
Member
3 posts
Wannabee

Boy! I am going through the same thing with my dad! I don’t know whether or not to out and out say they are emotionally abusive, but they did abuse parental rights, and they did mistreat my brother and me(for some reason he chooses not to remember a lot of what happened) I am glad you seem to have come to a type of peace about it all! I am still trying to sort through what I think is right vs what feel is easier. My dad takes the easy way…always…and he is not a person I want to be like. When you got counseling, did it help? I am leaning towards not inviting them…(wedding is just past 2 months off…) but I am afraid it will cause another rift between my brother and me! I have asked him to walk me down the aisle, and he said of course, but now that I am choosing the “no invite” path, I am worried about how to talk to my brother about how I feel…I’m not angry at them, just as you don’t really seem angry with your mom, just kind of done with it all. 🙂 Thanks for the post and update! I really hope your day is a dream come true…to be honest…it’s nice to feel like I’m not crazy, and that this is not uncommon…sad, but I think we are all in this together and I think it’s great that there is an anonymous (and free!) way to get stuff off our chest and get some good advice and sound support. 🙂

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