(Closed) Afraid of being called a bridezilla…

posted 4 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1560 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I have a problematic bridesmaid who didn’t like ANY of the SIX choices I had for dresses and demanded that I go to DB with her and pick one that she liked. When I said “okay, but I have the right to veto whatever you pick if it doesn’t fit my vision” and my fiance said “come on, don’t be a bridezilla now…” I just explained that no, I was not being unreasonable and that it’s a bridesmaid job to do whatever the bride needs her to do. I think that term comes out whenever the bride seems to want to just get her way, but things have to be the way they are for a reason. in order to pull off planning this major event, yeah, you have to be firm about what you want sometimes. I think as long as you’re not being rude or extremely selfish or demanding something they can’t do (finaces, etc) then it’s okay. Sounds like you weren’t being unreasonable at all.

Post # 4
Member
208 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Oh c’mon, that’s not being a bridezilla.  Ever seen an episode of Bridezillas?  THAT will put it in perspective 😉  You sound very reasonable.

I think lots of people like to use that word as a threat to keep the bride in line and invalidate her choices/shut her up.  Sometimes people are jerks and don’t understand, like PP said, that this is a huge event where lots of choices build on each other.  Keep true to your vision and don’t let jerks get you down.  

Post # 5
Member
2297 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Doesn’t sound like your being a bridezilla!  Asking a bridesmaid to step down is definitely a touchy situation- I hope that it all works out for you!

Welcome to the Bee!  

Post # 7
Member
453 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Huh, that is so weird that you were labeled as a bridezilla because of that. I mean, I don’t know what went on in the thread, but I think that’s a personally valid question. As long as you’re not trying to say that a bridesmaid should give you her 100% attention, what you’re asking is reasonable. If she’s not supportive at all, not interested, and not even talking to you, I think it’s okay to want to ask her to step down.

How soon ago did she move? You could say something like, “I know you’re busy with the recent move. I don’t want to be a burden on you, so if you would rather come as a guest, I completely understand.” She might still take offense to that, but at least you’re trying to come off as someone who is concerned about her time, instead of simply asking her to step down because you aren’t getting the support you need from her.

Post # 8
Member
738 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@im_with_crazy:  I read in some wedding planning book this little gem – ‘The myth of the bridezilla: MAKING you crazy, and then CALLING you crazy’ Bridezilla is an extremely derogatory term IMO. Ppl throw it at brides to belittle them and make them doubt their own choices, heck, their own SANITY. The worst is when one bride does it to another 🙁 I hope you find the bee more welcoming!

 

As far as the bridesmaid goes, you won’t be able to ask her to step down without pretty much ruining your friendship. I’ve had a really tough time with my MOH, so I feel your pain. My best advice is to grin and bear it, unless you feel as though the friendship is already pretty much over and things can’t get much worse. Have you talked to her about why she is being distant? It might be something that has zero to do with the wedding and just needs to be hashed out so you guys can move forward.

Post # 9
Member
748 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Bridezilla is kind of like “bitch”. I’ve found it tends to get thrown around a lot unnecessarily onto women that take charge of things and/or have opinions.

It’s my wedding. I’m super laid back, but at the end of the day, I’m the one paying for and coordinating this stupid expensive wedding..and you can call me whatever you like, but I have final say in everything.

Post # 10
Member
272 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I’m worried about being called a bridezilla too, because I know if I let myself I would try to micromanage everything and then just no one would be happy. 
I thought I was going a good job at being flexible and nice, but apparently I’m coming off as “not interested in my own wedding”.  IDK which one is worse.

Anyway, I think you had a totally valid question. I would give her the option of dropping out, like make it her choice. And I’ve totally seen board on here before with similar situations, and people are usually overwhelmingly supportive of the optional dropping out option.

Post # 12
Member
417 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@Equine_Breeder:  I was with you until you said that it is a bridesmaids’ job to do whatever the bride needs.  Uh…..no.  It is a bridesmaids’ job to stand up for the bride on her wedding day, nothing more  MOH’s have the shower and bachelorette to plan, but that’s it.

Post # 13
Member
748 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@im_with_crazy:  That’s pretty much all my one bridesmaid is going to be doing too. It was an effort just to get her to pick a dress. I thought I was being nice letting them choose their own dresses, but she was just going to grab something off of clearance the day before if I let her. Even the other bridesmaids and wedding party were commenting on how she was being more high maintenance than myself and “whose wedding does she think this is anyway..” lol

Try not to lose your mind over it. I started making decisions for her on stuff because she couldn’t seem to manage decisions on her own, but other than that I am not stressing about it. She didn’t help plan a shower. Had no involvement in the bachelorette party and didn’t come. If she doesn’t show up, or doesn’t walk down the aisle for some reason, well..the show will go on.

It might be that she’s been there and done that too. She’s a nice person, but she already got married..so she doesn’t really care about mine. And my day won’t be ruined because she doesn’t give a crap either. Yours will go on nicely with or without your bridesmaid too. Don’t let it stress you.

Post # 14
Member
9956 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

 Hi @im_with_crazy:  first and foremost… I see this is your Debut Post… so a BIG Welcome to “the Hive”

In my experience, this Wedding Website (and the Forums) are the most friendly and less judgemental than another site which shall remain nameless (hint is isn’t called The Bow)

😉 *wink*

In truth tho, WeddingBee isn’t going to be all flowers & rainbows… so don’t come here expecting that either… what it will be is a bunch of folks and their most honest opinions on whatever it is you want to chat about.

A nice equal balance… the truth being somewhere probably in the middle

(lol, Etiquette Posts can be brutal sometimes…  but then you gotta know that going in… if you are going to post a Question about Etiquette, expect to read the truth about what the rules are… from the likes of me… whether you want to take the risk and go against the grain… well that is a personal choice… and there could be drama / fall-out not only here on WBee Boards.. but also in real life too.  When I post, I try to convey that message)

Bridesmaids and Save The Dates (and the good old topic of Money) seem to rev up the most Drama / Trauma in Real Life Wedding Planning

So it goes.

Best advice… arm yourself with lots of Info BEFORE you make any decisions cast in stone.

Consider buying an Actual Etiquette Book (I recommend one of the Post Institute / Emily Post ones)

And when it comes to Bridesmaids, become totally familiar with the Expections & Responsiblities (and Finances) for both yourself and the Maids… BEFORE you actually ask someone to be on Team I’m-With-Crazy make sure you discuss it with them too… so you are all are on the same page.

Hope this helps,

PS… Only you can make yourself into a Bridezilla… knowing all the points of Etiquette can go a long way to avoid such situations (misunderstanding).

Based on this post solely… I’d have to say you don’t sound like THAT BRIDE at all… you sound like a girl who sensibly wants to talk Weddings and what concerns she might have.  So I am sure, WBee will serve you well.  Post, read, join in… the more you know, the better off you’ll be prepared for whatever is thrown in your direction (( HUGS ))

 

Post # 15
Member
765 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@im_with_crazy:  I think people are WAY too quick to use the label bridezilla. If the bride doesn’t agree with their suggestions for the wedding, she’s a bridezilla. If she doesn’t want her wedding to turn into a child’s birthday party (I’d have 40 kids at mine if I allowed friends to bring kids), she’s a bridezilla. If the bride (heaven forbid) asks for ANY help on her wedding planning–which is a huge logistical ordeal–she’s called a bridezilla. If a bride talks about her wedding even a little more than they want to hear about–she’s a bridezilla. Don’t they realize that calling the monster by name will only bring the monster forth?  

To some degree, I’m joking of course…but my point remains. People are inherently selfish. The person we all think about at least 80% of our day is ourselves (ex. what am I going to do today? What am I going to eat? Where am I going to go? What do I need to do?). It’s human nature. To that end, people don’t like being inconvenienced by others, and if they feel that you, as a bride, are the source of ANY inconvenience to them, they’ll label you a bridezilla…even if you’re not doing anything wrong or inconsiderate at all. 

Don’t worry so much about what other people think, especially strangers on an online forum. They don’t know you. I don’t know you. The best you can do is be as considerate as possibly of your family and friends, but don’t be afraid to ask for help. It’s WHEN brides try to take on too much themselves and get overwhelmed that the bridezilla comes out. And BTW–anyone who really cares about you will be open to helping and want to make your day better. They won’t jump on the “you’re a bridezilla” bandwagon.

As much as it hurts, it sounds like your bridesmaid friend wasn’t a good friend to you–and you probably dodged a bullet by not having her in your wedding.  

Post # 16
Member
9956 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

I thought I’ve give you a hand regarding info on Bridal Parties… so here are the Traditional Etiquette Guidelines on this topic.

THE BRIDE – RESPONSIBILITIES & EXPENSES (to the BP)

* Bridesmaids’ Luncheon

* Thank-You Gifts for the Attendants **

* Accommodations for the Bridal Party (often 2 Nights if there is a Rehearsal Dinner / Party)

* Transportation of the Bridal Party from Accommodations to Ceremony Site – Ceremony to Reception – and Reception to Accommodations

* Bridesmaids’ Flowers

* Extending to any member of the Bridal Party over the age of 18 the courtesy of bringing a Guest to the Wedding (and that Guest can be anyone of their choosing… Hubby, Fiance, Long Term BF, random Date… or even their Mother IF that is who they wish to spend the Weekend with… it is THEIR CHOICE… and not yours to judge.  This is one of the perks of being in the BP and giving of their time to your Wedding)

* Making sure that the Bridesmaids and their “dates” (see above) are included at the Rehearsal Dinner … or whatever form of Meet & Greet is planned before the Wedding

THE BRIDAL PARTY – RESPONSIBILITIES & EXPENSES

 * Purchase of Wedding Day Apparel and necessary accessories ***

* Transportation to the Wedding Destination

* Contribution to a Gift for the Bride (often a pooled gift with other Bridesmaids)

* Individual Gift to the Couple

* Attendance (and possible gift) for any Showers, or Pre-Wedding Parties for the Bride / Couple

* Reponsible for their Dress Fittings

* Assist the MOH whenever one can

* Attend as many Pre-Wedding Events as possible

* Possibly Co-Host a Party or Shower (not mandatory… hopefully at least attend)

* Assist Bride with errands when feasible

* Contribute to Bridemaids’ Present to the Bride

* Arrive to Appointments Promptly

* Arrive to Dressing Site on Wedding Day Promptly

* Participate in Professional Photo Shots

* Dance with Ushers & Single Guests (optional / courteous)

* Help gather people together where necessary (ie First Dance, Cake Cutting, Bouquet Toss etc)

* Help out with Elderly Guests if needed

* Pay for their Bridesmaid Dress and Transportation to the Wedding City

* Give a Gift to the Bride & Groom

MAID OF HONOUR – RESPONSIBILITIES & EXPENSES

* Helps the Bride with selection of Maids’ Attire (if required)

* Helps with Addressing Wedding Stationery Items (Invites, Placecards etc)… if asked

* Attends as many Pre-Wedding events as possible

* Organizes Bridesmaids’ Gift to the Bride

* Makes sure that others in the Bridal Party are on-time for Appointments

* Holds the Groom’s Wedding Ring on the Wedding Day

* Helps the Bride get ready on the Wedding Day

* Arranges the Bride’s Veil & Train before Processional & Recessional

* Makes sure the Bride looks “Picture Perfect” throughout the day

* Holds the Bride’s Bouquet during Ceremony

* Is a Witness to the Marriage (signs documentation)…if required

* Is in the Receiving Line (if there is one)

* Keeps the Bride on schedule

* Helps the Bride into her Going Away Clothes (if necessary)

* Takes care of the Bride’s Gown and Accessories after the Wedding Reception

* Pays for her own Dress and “some” accessories ***

* Arranges for and pays for her own transportation to the Wedding Destination

 — — —

Two of the greatest areas of misunderstandings is what is paid for by whom.

*** In North America, a Bridesmaid is only obligated to pay for the Dress that the Bride has chosen.  She is to provide her own foundation garments, shoes and accessories.

BUT if a Bride wishes for everyone to be matchy-matchy beyond the Dress, then the Bride is supposed to pay for those elements… so matching shoes, accessories, jewellery, hair & make up etc.

** The Bride’s Thank You Gifts to the Bridesmaids should not be something that she has chosen for them as part of the Wedding itself… so Hair, Makeup, Jewellery, or other matchy-matchy items… ARE NOT THANK YOUS. 

A Thank You Gift should be chosen for each individual member of the Bridal Party… as part of the friendship bond you share.  It should never be matchy-matchy… it should be chosen with much more care.  That isn’t to say that it cannot be earrings tho if that is something that EVERY Gal in your BP would like… just that they shouldn’t all be the same.  They should be chosen to ONLY “match” the personality of the girl, and nothing else.

Hope this helps,

PS… Worthwhile Reviewing this List BEFORE someone chooses a Bridal Party (and also going over it with potential Maids BEFORE they accept the role)… because there are some serious obligations / responsibilities on here that can add up to BIG BUCKS for BOTH Parties… BUT particularly the Bride (ie. Transportation, Hotel Rooms, Maid & Guest, and Thank You Gifts) … and the bigger the BP… the more it costs.

 

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