(Closed) Afraid of her (vent/rant/story)

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
2268 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

Oh man girl, I’m so sorry you are going through this. Weddings are to be celebrated and it sucks you cannot even put things on social media for that!

Have you thought about hiring a security guard of some sort to man the reception area? That would be my best bet. Or the hotel may even have someone to watch also. I think that would be a good idea in case she figures it out.

Post # 3
Member
7414 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2014

View original reply
snowflake8:  first – so sorry you have to deal with that.

Second – give your venue her picture, tell them she is not allowed on the premises.  (Our caterer was very familiar with this type of scenario). 

Third – you recongize her manipulative behaviour, you are worried about being like her – therefore, you will not be like her 🙂

Enjoy your wedding!!!

Post # 4
Member
2769 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

Holy crap. That sucks and I am sorry!

All I can say is that someday I hope everyone realizes how wrong they are – about you and about believing your mother. And I hope YOU realize you are wrong – the people in your life are there from loVE and not pity.

I don’t see changing your number as cowardly, I see it as expedient. I see it as strong to not let your mother’s poison have a chance to even land by not looking at her texts and letters, if you were “weak” in your position you would be more likely to wonder about what she says, look at it and nurse doubts or let her win.

And thirdly – unfortunately I have seen enough posts like this that your story is one that sinks into a bit of extra anonymity. You are definitely not alone in this. I hope that knowing you are not on your own is helpful. Also, given your description of her – I should think she wouldn’t recognize herself in this because that is not how she sees the situation.

 

Post # 6
Member
10210 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

I am so sorry, OP.  Your mother sounds very much like my father, who is now deceased.

No advice, other than please take care of yourself.  You are right to cut toxic people out of your life, parents or not.

After my father died, I found out that more people were skeptical of him than I’d thought.  One close friend of his straight up asked me if he had sexually abused me.  Yes, he had.

IOW, not everyone may be buying into your mother’s bs.  Of course, it feels that way now.

I wish I had great words of wisdom for you, but I don’t.  I do hope you can enjoy your wedding in spite of your mother.

We are here for you.  Gentle cyberhugs coming your way.

Post # 7
Member
64 posts
Worker bee

I’m going to echo the PPs…hire security or talk to the venue. You shouldn’t have to worry about her or your dad showing up on your day. 

You are NOT blocking and running. This is not a problem that can be solved. You are not running away from something that can be fixed. You are escaping a bad and toxic person and situation that you have faced your entire life. Never, ever feel guilty for that.

She has been poisoning your mind for a very long time. The same thing happened to her and she gave in to it, which is probably why she is the way she is. You have a choice. You understand her behavior and you understand that it is hurtful and inexcusable. You’re not going to be like her. You are doing the right things to get away from her and making good choices so that you will not become like her. 

I hope that you will have an *amazing* wedding day, and I hope that you won’t have to deal with her nonsense!

Post # 8
Member
138 posts
Blushing bee

I am so very sorry that you’ve had to endure this. I’ll agree with the previous posters who suggest some form of security at the wedding — a photo to the venue saying she’s not allowed, perhaps recruiting a couple of willing friends/family who are in attendance to see her off if she does show up, or even paid secuity.

 

You’re not alone in dealing with a parent like this. It’s impossible to diagnose anyone over the internet but your story sounds very, very familiar to me from those who have dealt with narcissists (and their enablers, which would be your father). If you google “Children of Narcissists” or “Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers” you will find web pages and forums of people who have dealt with the similar things. There are books on the subject too. Once all the business around the wedding and the honeymoon and settling back into regular life is over I’d suggest you find a therapist to help you heal from the lifetime of abuse which has been inflicted upon you. They can also help you with your fears about any learned behaviours you might have acquired regarding parenting. Remember you’re not at fault and you’re not alone.  You have options such as going “No Contact” and your life can get much, much better. 

 

Best wishes on a happy wedding, and an even more blissful life beyond. 🙂

  • This reply was modified 6 years, 1 month ago by silvergrey.
Post # 9
Member
2618 posts
Sugar bee

I hope you know that your mother’s cruelty and vindictiveness is no reflection of who YOU are.  She treats you like that because that’s who SHE is – not because you deserve it.  You do not deserve it.  I can only echo what another Bee said and tell you that you are not alone in having a very ill family member who was abusive. 

Please do as suggested and give your vendor pictures of your mother and let them know if she shows up, she will need to be escorted out by security.  I hope that your fears are unfounded and that she doesn’t show up.  If she does, please don’t allow her to ruin your day. 

Best of luck to you, bee.

Post # 10
Member
10286 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

You are a strong, amazing woman who even after all of that, found a way to have an intimate relationship and now you are getting married. 

As your bridal gift, dump these old negative inaccurate thoughts. replace them with “I deserve to be treated well, I am loveable.”

your story is heart-breaking but you’re not alone. The boards are full of women with parents like this. it’s not you. 

CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR UPCOMING WEDDING, SCREW YOUR MOTHER AND HER BS! 

Post # 11
Member
1992 posts
Buzzing bee

You are not a scared little girl. You are making very difficult adult decisions to protect yourself, decisions that many adults can’t find the courage to make. I know I’m a stranger on the internet but I’m really proud of you for having the strength to do all this. 

You are not going to be an abuser. You are distancing yourself from that woman’s damaging behavior, you are not feeding into it or mirroring it yourself. I’m sure your fiance can tell you in detail what a wonderful, kind, loving person you are. You are taking care of yourself, you are empathetic, and you recognize toxic behavior when you see it. You are unlearning her poison. MY SO’s mother survived her own mother’s extreme narcissism and neglect, and while she has permanently severed ties with her mother and some siblings who also turned out to be toxic (and in one case literally dangerous), she still has a loving, close-knit family. My SO does not actually know how many biological siblings his mother has and has never met that grandmother, and it’s absolutely not something he feels is missing from is life. 

As for the wedding, see if your venue will facilitate hiring security–any place that does weddings regularly is no stranger to the problem of shitty relatives possibly dropping in, and they want you to have the best day possible and leave them that five star yelp review.

Post # 12
Member
1552 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

I agree with PP, get a restraining order, hire a sercurity guard (you can contact your local sheriff’s office in the county of the venue, and hire an off duty officer) , have a photo of her to the security guard.

If she shows up she is in violation of her restraining order AND an off duty officer is your witness.

Don’t give her another thought! Enjoy your wedding day bee!!!

Post # 13
Member
3014 posts
Sugar bee

In five days’ time you will be married.  You and your husband will be officially a team.  You no longer have to deal with parental attacks alone.

If your mother rings pass the phone to your husband.  If she emails you then let him answer the email.  If she turns up at the wedding let your husband insist that she leave (or he will call security).  If she makes a sarcastic or cruel remark he can call her out.  After all, an insult to you is equally an insult to him.

You don’t have to visit your parents now or in the future even if you have children.  This does not make you a bad person.  It is merely an act of self preservation.  You have tried everything to no avail and now is the time to stop.  One day you will have the courage to stand up to your parents even if today is not the day.  

My parents used emotional blackmail all through my childhood and early adult life.  Then in order to get at me they held onto my young daughter’s favourite toy and wouldn’t give it back.  That was the straw that broke the camel’s back.

Don’t worry about future children’s questions.  They will love you and understand that their maternal grandparents are ‘difficult’. They will have a loving and supportive home, and benefit from you being different from your own parents.

Good luck.

 

Post # 14
Member
577 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: City, State

View original reply
snowflake8:  you said, “YES I know that all this blocking and running makes me the scared little girl I was, and not the strong grown woman I should be.”

That is absolutely NOT true.  You are protecting yourself, you are a strong grown woman, and it shows by doing this.

She is toxic and abusive, and is only related to you by dna, you can choose who you surround yourself with, and it is absolutely the right choice to separate yourself from her.  My only question is (and I don’t know the family dynamic other than what you describe) maybe you should speak with her one final time and explain that this is not a break, but rather, the relationship between you is completely done.  Tell her to stop contacting you.

You know your mom said cruel things to you, try to compartmentalize that, and remember she was just manipulating you.  Most people who are there for you, and helping you, and showing up are doing it because they WANT to.  People don’t usually go that far for people they don’t like.  You are strong, and you are loved!

Post # 15
Member
368 posts
Helper bee

View original reply
arosebyanyothername:  Been there, done that.  The only problem is that in order to tell a person they need to stay away from you, your work, your school, and your home is that the person has to be told where these places ARE so they can stay away.  It’s a big Catch 22 and it sucks. 

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