- 6 years ago
- Wedding: September 2015 - Hotel Ballroom
My wedding is THIS SATURDAY!
Don’t get me wrong, I am excited…but unlike most brides I know, I haven’t been shouting it from the rooftops. Why you ask? For those of you who arent familiar with my story, I am estranged from my family. I still had a shred of a relationship with them when I got engaged (saw them on major holidays, birthday phone calls), so I asked my parents to be a part of the planning process in hopes of building a relationship with them. Instead it went so poorly, it made things worse and I had to ask them to step away from the process due to their excessive controlling behaviour and general verbal/emotional abuse…anyways….one of the last things I said to my Mother when she told me that “for the sake of her emotional wellbeing, she can nolonger have me as a part of her life” was that my wedding was postponed. I said this because in the moment, I thought it would have to be.
I ended up pulling things together from scratch and keeping my original date.
Here is where it gets complicated: After the fallout of our estrangement, I blocked my Mother from all social media (Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Youtube…) due to her trying to ‘bait’ me (my Dad doesn’t use social media at all, so I didn’t have to worry about him.) I also deleted my wedding blog to keep her snooping eyes out of my new wedding plans/life. She then started using other family members accounts to spy on me, then text me accordingly. It got to the point where I felt the need to block my brother, cousins, other family members and even old family friends (who I viewed as family) just to keep out of her reach (a decision I DID NOT take lightly). I’ve also changed my privacy settings on EVERYTHING so that unless you are on my friends list you can’t see much more than my name and profile picture (a good idea anyways). I also have had to block MULTIPLE numbers out of my phone because she keeps texting and calling from other peoples phones trying to bully me. The only reason I haven’t changed my number is because that would be letting her win in my mind…but if this goes on much longer I may change my opinion. She even has tried to send letters to my home, which I have learned not to open (for the sake on my emotional health) and just write “return to sender” on it and send it back. I am moving soon (not because of this) and there is NO WAY she will get my new address.
YES my Mother has been my biggest bully all my life. YES she really is that controlling and crazy. YES I know my actions to block her and others from everything feeds fuel to her story that it’s ME who is the problem and that she is the ‘abandoned’ victim (a story she has been telling since I moved out when I was 18 to save herself embarassment). YES I know that all this blocking and running makes me the scared little girl I was, and not the strong grown woman I should be.
My wedding is in five days, but if you looked at ANY of my social media accounts, you wouldn’t know it. I’ve even asked members of the wedding party not to post pictures or say anything on their accounts. My biggest fear is that my Mother will figure out when/where my wedding is, and come to cause a scene (something she is VERY good at). Before you say I am being paranoid, she has ruined several birthday parties, holidays, even my college graduation with her cruel, passive agressive hysterics. In some cases, she has sucessfully convinced the people around her that she is blameless, and it’s all everyone elses fault. (ex: when i was 19 and visiting home she threw her keys at my head, which cut up the back of my ear, bruised my arm and threw me against a wall, and ripped my sleeve as I tried to escape…but showed my Dad the scratch my nail made on her arm as I frantically tried to swat her away, and it was ME who got in trouble because “I am the child”…my Dad’s biggest crime was he enabled her by looking the other way and blatantly denying she did anything wrong…even when the evidence was right in front of him…and was away on as many business trips as possible to get away from her/this mess).
I am nervous even talking about this on here, because I am afraid that she will somehow find this site, read this post, recognize herself and figure out this is me.
She raised me to believe that I was unworthy of praise. If things were going my way, I was mistaken. If people were being kind to me, it’s because they only want something from me. She constantly told me I was a bad person, and that while people may like me when they meet me, they will figure out just how ugly I am inside, and I will be unable to keep up the charade that I am good.
I have an exceedlingly hard time having personal relationships with people. The people I DO have in my life don’t even treat me that great, but I keep them around because I am SO afraid of her being right, and me being alone.
I am getting married in five days and I am AFRAID of my own wedding. I am afraid that everyone there is secretly feeling sorry for me, and not there for me out of love. I am afraid that my bridesmaids are only my bridesmaids out of pity. I am afraid that my Fiance and his family judge me behind my back. I am afraid that my parents will show up, and will tear everything apart. Then my Mother will sneer in her usual way, and remind me that the ruins are all I deserve.
Before you ask, YES as a child I tried to tell teachers and other adults, but she was SO GOOD at covering up and playing her part, she had two teachers convinced I was a patological liar…once that mark was on my perminent record, nobody believed me. NO she never abused my little brother. He was the favourite. My Dad favoured him too because he wanted a son, and not a daughter. YES I have seeked out counceling as an adult. YES I have been diagnosed with anxiety disorder. I also have Acute Gastritis and Fibromyalgia.
My biggest fear of all? Someday I will have children. They will have questions about my family. I don’t know what I will say to them. Worse still, what if my parents somehow find out I have children, and try to force their way into meeting them? Biggest of all, what if something snaps in my brain, and I can’t break the cycle of abuse? My Mom was abused, and her father was abused before her. Who says I will be any better? Any different?
I am getting married in five days, and THIS is what’s on my mind.