Post # 1
The long and short of it is that, recently, my family and I have been having difficulties in our relationship. My mom seems super upset and is giving me and my Fiance the cold shoulder, and talking to other family members about it but pretending that “everything is fine” when I try to talk to her about it.
I ended up at my breaking point this weekend and called my aunt to see if she had some insight and if she could give me any advice for talking to my mom. My aunt told me that my mom is upset about “losing me” when I get married. Apparently she is villanizing my Fiance to the rest of the family. My aunt says that the only way that my mom will be happy, again, and to fix this situation is to break up with my Fiance, call off the wedding and move back home. Of course, my aunt says that I absolutely should not do that, but she also said that from now on I should only confide in her and my cousins and not talk to my mom if anything bothers me about my relationship with Fiance in the future.
In the past I have asked my mom on several ocassions how she feels about my Fiance. I really wanted her to like him, so I sought her approval a lot. She only had positive things to say about him until recently. When I have confronted her about the strain in our mother-daughter relationship, she says that it’s all in my head and that everything is fine.
My Fiance is REALLY concerned that she and my sisters are going to sabotage our wedding day, and as much as I want to say “that won’t happen”, I realize that it very well could. So, if your mom really didn’t like your Fiance all of the sudden (but won’t talk about it to you), what would you do?
Post # 2
If she’s making you uncomfortable, limit her involvement, and proceed as normal. Do you need the “if anyone has any objections to this union” language in there at all? ‘Cause I’d just have the officiant drop that line.
If your mother is going to behave that way, just move forward and don’t bite. Get through your wedding and enjoy your marriage and allow her to chill out on her own. She sounds weirdly immature and I’m sorry.
Post # 3
I would call her out for talking behind your back. Tell her you know she doesn’t like him and want the relationship to end. Tell her you want her to be honest with you about her reasons for not liking Fiance. Tell her you’re not moving back home and he is a wonderful man who you are going to marry no matter what.
I would ask her straight up if you should invite her to wedding. If she can’t be happy for you, then don’t invite her or anyone who may cause trouble.
I’m not inviting my mother or siblings to my wedding. I’m even worried they will show up and cause trouble.
Post # 4
- Wedding: May 2015 - Walnut Hill Bed & Breakfast
Can you have ushers/friends prepared if they cause a scene to escort them out of the wedding? Just let someone know to handle it if something happens.
Otherwise, proceed as normal.
Post # 5
I know what you’re going through because my mom has sort of done the same thing to me. Except she didn’t talk about it to other family members, thank god! She just kept it to herself or talked to my dad about it. She has it in her head that my Fiance is going to move me hours away and that I’m never going to see her and she also thinks I can do better in picking a partner. But I don’t give a shit what she thinks because who I choose to marry is not up to her or anyone else. It’s none of her business and I have had to put her in her place a few times because of this issue. I find a lot of parents will think that who we are with will never be good enough compared to who they have imagined for us. That I think is normal… And is usually unrealistic. However it irritates me to no end when they think it’s up to them to choose for us.
Personsally, if I were you, I would sit down with your mom and have a real heart to heart conversation with her. She may not be willing to talk, but at least get her to listen and hear you out. I had to do it a few times with my mom and eventually I got through to her. Tell her that you understand her concerns and her worries about you. However, there is no need to try and sabotage your relationship. Talking to everyone else about the problem and not to you directly is not going to solve the issue at hand. She’s only dancing around it and making it worse. By her acting this way she is literally creating her worst fear because this behaviour of hers is going to eventually drive you away and make you resent her. Tell her that you love her and that you don’t want to lose her and you have no intention of leaving her behind, but you shouldn’t have to leave your Fiance to prove that to her. Nor should she expect you to… Tell her what she’s doing and how it’s making you feel, and that the chaos she is creating is not okay and it needs to stop. You obviously want her to be a part of your special day, any woman would. But if it doesn’t stop then you will have to limit her involvement as your relationship with your Fiance is too important to you. And if she loves you and respects you, she will support you. Not try and sabotage what makes you happy!
I wouldn’t let her come between you and your Fiance. I can understand her intentions behind her behaviour and I think her fears are legit as I think every mother has them before their daughter gets married and starts a life of their own. But I think she is just expressing it in a childish, unhealthy and co-dependent way. Just be patient with her and keep trying to talk to her. I’m sure in time she will understand.
Post # 6
- Wedding: November 2015 - The Victorian
I have NO tolerance for this sort of thing. I know parents get emotional about their children getting married and they are worried for them sometimes. But bad-mouthing you and your Fiance is unaccaptable behavior. And ” My aunt says that the only way that my mom will be happy, again, and to fix this situation is to break up with my Fiance, call off the wedding and move back home.” That is INCREDIBLY manipulative and bordeeline mentally unstable. She wants you to never get married and stay at home forever, basically. No one will ever be “good enough.” My suggesteion is to have a very honest conversation with her and ask her if she is willing to behave at your wedding. If she gives you any inkling that she is planning on being disruptive, tell her she is not invited and hire security. And that’s that.
Post # 7
Your mother is clearly nuts. Wanting you to call of your wedding, break up with your man, and move back home because she misses you is insane. Tell her you’re in love and not doing that, limit her involvement, have ushers ready to escort her out if she tries anything, and after this cut her out of your life. Hell, if you’re really worried ask her not to attend if she really hates the poor guy.
Post # 8
first – you don’t have to have that question. It’s not required, leave it out (we did).
Second, if your family is being that toxic and unsupportive I would limit your contact and their involvement in your life moving forward.
Post # 9
You can only object to a wedding for LEGAL reasons – not because someone doesn’t like the groom. Apparently in the UK you can be arrested for objecting a wedding without a legal valid reason.
Post # 10
Just leave that line out, as PP have suggested. Now that I’m thinking about it, I am fairly certain that NONE of the weddings I have been to in the last 15 years have included it in their vows.
Post # 11
For what it’s worth, at the rehearsal for my friends wedding last year, the minister made it very clear that unless they had physical proof that you’re related or already married, any objection is embarrassing, but won’t otherwise affect the ceremony.
Post # 12
My Fiance got permission from my da before he proposed, so I’m not expecting any parental issues. If friends said something, they’re not true friends if they won’t respect my decision.
Post # 13
I would listen to your aunt and have the officiant drop the “Does anyone object…” line from his speech.
Post # 14
Also………. I know this isnt ideal…… But get married a couple of weeks before the wedding. Make sure mommy knows it is done and there is absolutely nothing she can do about it. But definitely take out that line to avoid embarrassment
Post # 15
Thank you all for the feedback and the advice. It really means a lot to me. This whole issue has really sucked, and the crazy thing to me is that my mom WAS excited about the wedding until my sister got engaged. Now, my sister and her fiance live at home with my mom and have both stated that they have no intention of moving out, even after they get married. Ever since their engagement, my mom has absolutely ignored me and has claimed that I am not including her in any aspect of the wedding. Whereas before she used to talk to people about how much she loves my Fiance (and she used to tell me how much she likes him and how glad that she is that SHE picked him for me), now she seems to want nothing more than for us to part ways. It has been so hard, especially because there are wedding expriences that I wanted to share with her (from a selfish perspective). I guess I’m not just worried about the wedding day itself, but I’m mourning the fact that our relationship is so drastically changed. 🙁