Afraid that he's going to leave me for his newly single ex-wife?

posted 8 months ago in Emotional
Post # 17
Member
1906 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

The ex wife left him for a reason. He may be hung up on her but she probably isn’t wanting him back. 

My exs gf was always super jealous and never wanted to leave us alone for even a second. I still can’t get her to understand that even if we act cordial, you couldn’t pay me to be with him again. You seek divorce for a reason. It’s hard and crappy. Most people don’t want to revisit a relationship that sucked enough to suffer a divorce. 

That said… even if she doesn’t want him, his behavior doesn’t sound like he’s all in with you and healed. Which is odd after 7 years of divorce. 

I’d pump the brakes and see how the dust settles.

Post # 17
Member
27 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2020 - City, State

When I first met my boyfriend I had the EXACT same fears. It took nothing but time and a ton of patience. She left him shortly after their child was born and he was devastated.

 

It seemed to me like he was still mourning the loss and end of the relationship and I think in truth, he was. But he was also mourning and coming to terms with (after years!) the loss and end of the dream of having a family, especially living with and being with his child. That’s a huge loss to bear.

 

I had to tell myself that yes, ideally no one gets divorced and loses that family they wanted. But that’s what happened and we move forward. If life had gone perfectly we wouldn’t have met.

 

When we first met he would say things like “She’s a really talented artist, I miss collaborating with her…” and “She was great, we really never fought…” And then as time went on he would say things like “You know, she never listened the way you do” and “I think she and I fought a lot more than I remembered.”

 

It occurred to me that for the first months of our relationship even though years had passed since his divorce, he was still shellshocked by the abrupt end of his marriage, and had been hanging onto an idealized version of it, when in reality it wasn’t actually that great. He needed to be with someone else to realize that while there were good times, it’s better to be with someone who doesn’t manipulate, or control, or shut down, or play games. All of which his ex did and still does. He just sees it more clearly for what it was now and focuses only on his child and keeping things cordial with her.

 

Ultimately I’m glad I was patient and let things work themselves out. If he had continued to wax poetic about her for much longer I would have been concerned. My boyfriend sees a therapist regularly and I can’t recommend that enough either! Processing emotion is a lot more difficult than most people realize.

Post # 17
Member
283 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: By the lake

Even if the ex-wife left him, I am sure he still cares about her and her being.  She is the mother of his child and they are co-parenting.  He will always have some feeling for her.  And she will always be part of him because they have a past together.  They have been married for 10 years.  You have the right to feel the way you’re feeling.  Ask him– If she ever wants to get back with you and rebuild the relationship again, would you go back to her?  Also, let him know how you feel.  Tell him that you are scared you might lose him to his ex now that she is divorcing.  See what he says.  And if he really loves you and cares for your feelings, he should reassure you that he is yours and he should make you feel important to him.  He should make you feel very loved.  Because if he is doing all these things, you wouldn’t feel unease.  Good luck, I hope things will get better for you.

Post # 18
Member
1741 posts
Bumble bee

So he can’t be interested in someone who has a child with someone else, but you obviously are (him). That’s so weird and hypocritical. I just don’t think that’s the real reason. I agree with a PP that this relationship is only 6 months old. You shouldn’t feel so insecure. Just cut your losses and move on.

Post # 19
Member
3592 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

I think some of the bee’s are making a good point that it is normal for him to have some unresolved feelings that might require some time to heal, but I just really don’t like the way he is approaching it. 

If he has lingering feelings that he does not want to have, and is otherwise committed to you and would willingly choose you over her if the opportunity to get back with her presented itself, he needs to communicate that. But he isn’t. The only reason he has given for not getting back with her is because she has a kid with someone else. That isn’t good enough. 

Post # 20
Member
2780 posts
Sugar bee

His answer “No, because she has a kid with someone else.” is bizarre for so many reasons.

That just sounds like he’s wounded and stubborn, not like he’s over her and happier with you. His answer should be something like “No because I was unhappy when we were together” or “No, that’s a part of my past” or “No, I have you now and I’m happy with you” etc. etc. 

Not only that but HE has a kid with someone else and you’re dating HIM. Does he not realize how hypocritical and weird that is? 

I agree that it’s normal to some unresolved feelings for an ex-spouse, but I would want to know what he actually means by that.

Post # 22
Member
175 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2015 - City, State

It doesn’t sound like he is over his ex at all.  After 7 years apart.  I agree with previous posters that his response about not getting back with her because she has a kid with someone else is hypocritical. It also tells you that if she didn’t have that kid, he would take her back.  Do you really want to be in a relationship where you come second to an ex? You’ve only been together six months. I would move on because I believe I’m worth more than to be someone’s rebound who’s there to help them get over another woman.  I’ve been there before when I was 21.  It’s a pathetic place to be. 

Post # 23
Member
934 posts
Busy bee

Hugs!!

 

Post # 24
Member
868 posts
Busy bee

sboom :  I agree, but in addition to the wholly insufficient reason for not returning to her, it’s been 7 years and it’s a little weird also that in those 7 years, beside OP, he hasn’t dated much since.

Post # 26
Member
567 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

If you feel something is off to the point of having this much anxiety, maybe you should give this relationship a pause. At the very least, get some counseling for yourself. Whether or not he has feelings for her still (and it sounds like he doesn’t) really isn’t the issue. You are entitled to your feelings, and if you are not inherently trusting him (and it sounds like you don’t) then either get counseling to figure out why, or just end it. 

Post # 27
Member
175 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2015 - City, State

The defensiveness from him (belittling your feelings) is very off-putting.  If you feel that something is off, keep your eyes open. At the end of the day, talk is cheap. He can say he won’t go back to her till he is blue in the face but if his actions and body language show lingering feelings TRUST YOURSELF.  The best way to build confidence, let go of insecurity, and let down walls is to gain trust in yourself that you will walk away from a bad situation because you trust yourself to accurately  judge a situation.  A situation with mixed signals and ambiguity is not a good situation.  Think about it.  Would you invest your money into something you’re only half-sure would pay off? Would you have a surgery you’re only half-sure would work (and wasn’t your last chance at life)? Why enter a serious commitment with a man you’re not sure about? kayla037 :  

Post # 28
Member
3592 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

kayla037 :  “saying how ridiculous is that I feel the way I do.”

So now he is not only dicounting your feelings too, but go so far as to criticize you for them? Ugh. Fuck right off with that shit, dude.

He’s being a jerk and he knows it. He is using non-committal language as something to fall back on down the line when you inevitably get upset that he isn’t giving you the commitment or emotional intimacy that you want – when that eventually happens, all he’s got to say is “well I never led on that you were the one / I wanted to get married / you were my top choice / etc” and ta-da, he doesn’t have to admit he’s a fucking asshole and can walk away comfortably calling you crazy….

Post # 29
Member
10976 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

kayla037 :  

To quote Infinite Waters, one of my favorite YouTubers (aka psychologist Ralph Smart), one sign someone is meant to be in your life is:

  —They bring out the best in you, not the stress in you.

Bee, being involved with this guy makes you a nervous wreck. Your body is shrieking at you.  Pay attention. Yes, you may have anxiety issues.  But, that does not preclude the possibility that sometimes your anxiety is 100% reality based.

Quit apologizing for other people’s bad behavior.

—He was ‘bitter’ about the ex.  I’m going to guess that ‘bitter’ includes some trash talking; the lights should have started blinking red.

—He compared you to his ex.  Major ick factor as well as wildly inappropriate. Whether you came off looking better or worse is of no moment, Bee. Lights blinking red begin to blink faster.

—He wouldn’t go back to his ex because had a kid with another man.  Reeks of patriarchy, at the minimum. He is also failing to provide any explanation that makes sense. Nor did he bother to address your insecurities. Red lights starting to blink furiously.

—Tells you that your feelings are ‘ridiculous’. Bee, at six months, you are still in your Honeymoon Phase.  This is as good as it will get. Don’t expect him to become less dismissive of your feelings. Red lights blinking furiously, alarms activated.

If you’re around still. He’s cheap shotting you. Rather than just tell you that he is annoyed by your frequent breakup talk, he chose to backhand you. Is this what you want for yourself, Bee? The blinking red lights and alarms are not products of your imagination, fueled by some “irrational” anxiety.

I don’t know what your bf’s relationship is with his exw is about. But, the PPs are right. It will never end. It won’t magically dissolve when their child turns 18. There are lots and lots of years of her in your lives ahead if you stick with this guy.

Bee, your radar is not working properly.  This guy was able to fly in undetected. That’s very concerning. How did your radar get so bent?

 

Post # 30
Member
1244 posts
Bumble bee

sassy411 :  Amen sister! The bitterness about ex and comparisons early on would’ve been my exit sign. There should be minimal to no talk of the ex if they’re over them. OP you should ask yourself why didn’t you leave then? 

And the reason of why he wouldn’t get back together with the ex? Uh it doesn’t make any sense whatsoever. And his comments about your anxiety and sensitivity is gaslighting, making you think you’re the crazy unreasonable one, shifting the blame/ focus onto you.

If someone sound like a jerk when they make jokes, they ARE being jerks. some people hide their real feelings and intentions and meaness behind jokes.

I think you bonded over your divorce experience initially and in reality you aren’t actually compatible nor is he the right fit for you. 

6 months is nothing. Don’t waste anymore time with him.

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