(Closed) Afraid we wont ever be ready for kids?

posted 12 years ago in Babies
Post # 32
Member
196 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: January 2000

I have incredible baby bug, and Fiance and I are even planning to start trying after the wedding.

But, there is a part of me that is very scared, worried and not ready. Financially we’ll be in a place where we can just afford a child, but in our professions we’ll never be rich and neither of us will have any significant pay jumps in the next few years. I worry about the money (especially paying for day care) most, then the incredible responsibility. I’m not very worried about the physical part of pregnancy/labor though. 

I think all you can do is make the best decision at the moment. And adoption/foster care is a wonderful thing! There are so many great kids out there who were born into terrible situations that need a set of loving parents.

Post # 33
Member
1929 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2008

Peng – I used to feel this way.  I felt at 30 the same way I felt at 20 about kids “Yes, someday I think I will have them…..” I was worried that I would never feel like that someday was today.

Then one day my husband and I decided we were ready to start trying! I don’t really know if it was a switch, but as more and more of my friends were having kids, and I saw how joyful it was for them, I realized it was something that I too wanted in my life….and being in my early thirties, once I realized that I became much more happy with the idea. I  know I will never, ever be really truly ready.  But don’t have kids out of fear of regret – its way too much work for that!

Post # 34
Member
2316 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

My mom and grandmothers are starting to be like “So… about those grandbabies…” when we’re not even officially engaged yet! And we don’t want them for like, 5-10 years at LEAST. My mom has accepted that, but the g-ma’s are all “we won’t be AROUND then!!! We’ll be DEAD”… thanks, thanks alot.

Post # 35
Member
640 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

I know how you feel, although our situation is a little different – we really do want a baby, but we’re unsure about the timing. I’m starting to feel like I want a baby now, and there are times when I really think it’s time to start trying…but something keeps holding me back. I like our life the way it is, and I’m scared about how much a child will change that. Call it selfishness, call it self knowledge, but it’s the truth. Sometimes I wonder if it’s pressure around us that’s makes me impatient to just start trying, only to change my mind hours later. It’s a confusing time for us, and I wish I knew how to work it out.  

Post # 36
Member
767 posts
Busy bee

I think a lot of parents regret having kids, just those that aren’t terrible parents never say it. I have heard of parents saying it – and everyone gaped and shamed the parents which I can’t say I disagree with since it’s got to be painful for a kid.  I see more bad parent kids relationships than good.  Don’t we see plenty of posts just on this website about moms and dads that are uninvolved or cruel because they aren’t providing all the emotional support their kids want in the way the kids want or are overinvolved and controlling? 

Don’t get me wrong I do want kids and I have a great relationship with my parents and I know plenty of people who are in the same boat.  However, I think there are a lots of people who aren’t suited to be good parents because having kids for them would only limit them as people.  Kids are a big responsibility and I disagree with the point of view that it’s always worth the sacrifices.  It’s only worth the sacrifices if you want to make them.

Post # 37
Member
4590 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

Pengy, i feel you on this.  We decided we will wait til I’m 29 or 30 to start having kids, but I really dont feel I’ll ever have that baby fever feeling.  I’m also on the ring, and only in the last 6 months or so has it really dampened by drive. but then again, 9 times out of 10 once we get started I’m in the mood. Just takes a lot longer than it used to….

Post # 38
Member
499 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I know this is an old post.. 

But I am in the exact same situation..  That I still haven’t had baby fever yet or “that feeling” to say that I am ready yet.  Sometimes I wonder if I am a weird person for not having it.  Both me and my DH are in the same boat for not wanting to have a baby right at this second..

My hubby has his career and loves his job..  My job is OK but not a career so I don’t care if I leave it for baby.  We own a house together.. We own pets together..  We are both 28/29 and mature enough..  Have the same morals/values/outlook.  I am not even scared at all about the changes my body will overgo and the lovely morning sickness etc..

My brother had a son a year and a half ago and I thought that my nephew might have triggered my baby instinct but nope.  Don’t get me wrong I like them but I enjoy giving them back to their parents at the end of the day.  DH still is frightened about holding them and is worried about breaking them.  I am starting to get a bit more comfortable around babies now, before I was a bit awkward/nervous.  I still get annoyed when they cry and create a scene.

But we are still selfish in the way we love to go on mini getaways together and travelling and do stuff for ourselves.. That we might want a bit more money before we have one since they are expensive.  Oh and I love my sleep.

Also, we don’t feel any pressure to because our friends don’t have kids either.  Maybe 2 couples have babies, but 95% of the rest are still in relationships and are now slowly getting engaged.  I think it would be different for sure if our friends had kids around us and we all do play dates together. Right now our friends and I have dogs and we meet up for “dog dates” at the park LOL. 🙂

I have a feeling that we will probably do the “I guess we have to have kids now we are old enough” and just do it.  Probably not have the baby switch turn on and say “hey yes let’s do this”.  Even now if my period is late by one day I worry and get stressed..   We have been getting pressure from the parents to have children since we got married but we told them we want to wait at least a year.  Oh well.

Post # 39
Member
5521 posts
Bee Keeper

@Silverblade:  “I have a feeling that we will probably do the “I guess we have to have kids now we are old enough” and just do it.  Probably not have the baby switch turn on and say “hey yes let’s do this”. “


I’m sorry but I never understand this attitude; and I think it’s a stupid reason to have children if I’m being blunt.

You don’t have to have children; it’s a choice. So IMO unless you get to the stage where you actually really WANT them, it’s probably best not to have them, rather than just say ‘meh, well, we’re that age, everyone else is, might as well do it and hope for the best’.

Fact is a lot of people regret having children; and a lot of those who regret it are those who did it ‘just because’, without any proper thought or consideration.

The moment I realised having children was a choice was an epiphany for me, because until then, I had assumed that I would either suddenly find my ‘maternal urge’ kicking in, or else I’d have them because I was ‘that’ age and ‘had’ to have them before it was ‘too late’. Now I realise I have never wanted them, and never will, and would never even contemplate having them unless I suddenly couldn’t imagine life without them (like, I had a head injury or something..)

Post # 39
Member
37 posts
Newbee

I’m in a crappier boat. I always figured I would have kids when I was young and even through dating my husband. My husband like HAS to have kids but I never thought anything of it because I figured I always would have kids. It was like a “10 years from now would be cool”. But once we got engaged I felt this pressure because now it was like… i HAVE to have kids because my husband HAS to have kids and we talked about it before hand and I was all good with that. Then we got married and it was the first time in my life that I was actually in the position that having kids was a truly real potential… and that FREAKED ME THE HECK OUT!! Now I keep see-sawing back and forth about the idea. Honestly some days I would rather chop off my own arm (or head) than have a baby, and other times I worry that if I don’t my marriage will suck and I’ll regret not having kids some day. Its a big steaming pile of CRAP to be in this boat. I wish I wanted kids so so soooo bad so that I didn’t have to stress about it someday ruining my marriage. I’ll end up having a kid because I HAVE TO… and hope that I’ll be happy 🙁 

Post # 40
Member
150 posts
Blushing bee

I’m struggling with something similar myself. My DH is 6.5 years older than me, and would be perfectly fine if we got pregnant now. I, on the other hand, am terrified on having children. My goal in life has always to be a wife and a mother, but I am soooo not there yet. I want to stay at home with my kids (don’t want to have them and send them to day care) so having kids will mean giving up not only our freedom, but our adult life. I’m super weird, too, in that I don’t worry about raising babies (when they’re little, I imagine that although they’re a handful, you have control of them). I worry about when they grow up and become teenagers and trying to help them through this crazy world and becoming adults.. yeah I’m crazy I know. lol. So I know what you’re feeling… I really hope my “clock starts ticking” at some point so I know I’m 100% ready!

Post # 41
Member
150 posts
Blushing bee

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katelyndawn89 :  YES! If you don’t mind me asking, how old are you?

Post # 42
Member
37 posts
Newbee

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princessbeec :  I am 27 and turn 28 i may so I know I have lots of time but it plagues my mind

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