(Closed) After 5 years,you STILL think ITS RUSHING! (long, vent)

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
3569 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

You are right five years is a long time. Hopefully you both can talk and pick a date together. I also don’t think it’s fair for you to being waiting years for an engagement. At least it sounds like he cares and he does plan on getting married. I think talking about it and making concrete plans that BOTH of you choose and not just him and vice versa.

Post # 5
Member
7409 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

My mother gave my father an ultimatum after 4 years of dating, and they just celebrated their 38th wedding anniversary.  Just sayin.  No really- 5 years is not rushing it- you are not unreasonable at all.

Post # 6
Member
3569 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

A lot of people like the whole surprise element and waiting game. I don’t and I made that clear to my Fi when we were dating. Do you like it? Even if he picks when it is, only you can decide how much longer you are willing to wait. Tell him how it makes you feel, and how much longer you are willing to wait. Then the ball is in his court. Don’t issue any threats, or empty ultimatiums to get him to propose.

Just makes the choices about your life and what you plan on doing either way. Good Luck!

Post # 7
Member
11356 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

“I told him I’m over it. I’ll give him HIS time because obviously that’s what he needs. I explained that I would be his gf for the rest of our lives if thats what he wanted.”

I understand why you said it — the idea was to show him how cooperative you’re willing to be with his timeline; however, I don’t think you should have said it, because you do not mean it.

This is none of my business. However, do you live with him? If you’re living with him, he, like the SOs of some of the other waiting bees, may just really be loving life exactly as it is today, since you’re already spending most of your time together, already have established a home together, and are already making a life together.  My experience on these boards is that when one person in a relationship really wants marriage in the immediate future, and the other is in no particular hurry, living together is not at all helping the case of the one who wants marriage in the near term.

Post # 8
Member
3357 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

maybe he’s just saying “rushing” because it sounds better than “I’m not ready”. have you thought of proposing to him instead?

Post # 10
Member
1306 posts
Bumble bee

@TwoCityBride:  I agree, 5 years is not rushing at all!

I have a close gf who is in a similar situation.  She and her bf have been dating for 4.5 years and he refuses to make a committment.  He claims that he doesn’t want to get married in his 20’s…not sure how old you 2 are, maybe he just wants to “experience life?”  I personally don’t believe this crap – after 5 years you should know if you’d like to spend the rest of your life together.  My advice would be to sit down and tell him how it is.  Tell him that you are willing to give him time, but that you would like a committment (engagement) sometime within the next year.  I think you also really need to assess your relationship.  In the case of my friend, she is willing to wait however long it takes her bf to propose, because she knows it’s right.  If it were me?  I would dump after 5 years with no promise of committment.  That’s just me, though.  And I actually did end things with my ex-bf because of this.  We’d been together for 5 years and he told me he didn’t see himself married for another 10 years.  I was not personally willing to stay in a relationship for 15 years prior to getting engaged. 

Only you know what’s right for you! 

Post # 11
Member
925 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Why don’t guys get this?? I was there before I got engaged–dated about 5 years and was just WAITING! It’s so painful and they don’t understand how it feels! I feel like a lot of guys make big personal purchases before proposing, too; maybe it’s because it’s their last “hurrah” before the commitment, but it’s annoying. Is a bike/car/phone/etc. more important than the one you love?? GAAHHHH!! Only people who have waited that long know how truly painful it can be, and my heart aches for you remembering how it felt. My sister is going on EIGHT years and has been waiting for so many of them but her Boyfriend or Best Friend is being so stubborn. I really feel for you ladies because I have been there. Hopefully he listened to what you had to say and will consider it. A relationship is about 2 people, not just how one of those people wants it to work out…

Post # 12
Member
1306 posts
Bumble bee

@yellowlace:   A relationship is about 2 people, not just how one of those people wants it to work out…

Agreed.  No matter what the situation, some sort of compromise has to be made!

Post # 14
Member
6256 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2014

“I told him I’m over it. I’ll give him HIS time because obviously that’s what he needs. I explained that I would be his gf for the rest of our lives if thats what he wanted.”

Every single time you bring up marriage from here on out, he’s going to bring this statement up. You pretty much just gave away all your bargaining power. If it were 9 months or so in, i can see you wanting to give him more time. But at five years, he is just being a baby and since he knows  you’re going to stick around no matter what, you’re just as much to blame because you’re enabling him.

You’ve let him know that you aren’t going to insist on marriage. Why would he give up his freedom, spend a lot of money on a ring, and then spend even more money on a wedding when he knows now that his NOT doing so isn’t going to have any consequences? You didn’t stick to your guns. To him, this reads as  “it wasn’t that important to her to begin with.”

Not trying to be mean, but I don’t understand it when women who have told their SOs, “It’s ok, baby, we can wait as long as you want to” or “You’re right, we don’t have to talk about this” or “It’s just a piece of paper, right? We can live together forever and marriage doesn’t matter” come here and vent about why SO isn’t proposing. He isn’t proposing because you aren’t insisting on marriage, giving logical reasons why it’s a good idea, or letting him know that you’ll walk if he doesn’t give in because your needs are every bit as important as his and you need to be married before you’ll consider ____ because of _____.

You need to stand up for yourself, because continuing to wait without any good reason is tantamount to letting him walk on you. If you want to get married, you deserve to be with someone who loves you enough to marry you. If he wants to NOT be married, he needs to find someone who will be with him regardless of whether he proposes. If that person is you, that’s fine–marriage isn’t for everyone. But if you’re TELLING him you’re ok with not getting married, you kind of give up your right to complain about the fact that you’re not getting married.

Post # 16
Member
996 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Everyone has a different timeline. I can’t say 5 years is too long. What I can say is that you are having a hard time expressing your feelings to him–when he said he’s not in a rush–you could have said that while you don’t want to rush, you want to get engaged soon.

Or you could have assured him that he doesn’t need to buy you an expensive ring so it doesn’t need to be financed

Do you have a budget in mind for the ring?

 

It sounds to me like he WANTS to get married but he’s feeling intimidated by the expense

 

It’s true, you really shouldn’t finance a ring. But you also don’t have to put off getting engaged in order to buy a super expensive ring unless that is really important to you.

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