(Closed) After almost five years- Wait or move on?

posted 4 years ago in Waiting
Post # 31
602 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

Who knows what the 6 months are for? We really don’t know this man at all. Maybe he’s stalling, maybe he’s a traditional romantic and is putting the pieces in place for a proposal he thinks the love of his life wants.

personally, I’d wait 6 more months, but throw myself into hobbies and friends and make sure I was strong and good to walk if needed.

My Fiance is like the most Peter-Pan, commitment phobe ever. When We updated our Facebook statuses to engaged so many of his friends were like, “Wow, congrats! Never thought I’d see the day!” I just made it very clear from the get go that 5 years would be a deal breaker for me, and I meant it. He also told me he knew I wouldn’t stand for him stalling.

If your friend means that 6 months will be her deal breaker, I’d let him have his 6 months and see what he does. I’d probably even allow 7. However I would be out the door after that. There is zero chance I’d wait a year. The 6 months taking care of myself would make strong and happy for when I needed to walk.

Maybe that’s too nice, maybe that’s selfish but since I’ve had this attitude my relationships have been really, really good so I thought I’d share. First: you can’t KNOW what someone else is thinking (especially on an online forum). Second: tell others what you need in the relationship. Third: give people a chance to come through for you. Fourth: make clear boundaries and stick to your word.

Post # 32
107 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

I’m going to kind of be the odd one out in comparison with pps. If your friend loves her SO enough to want to spend her entire life with him (which is impression I get since she wants to marry him) why the push to get married. If for religious reasons I understand, but barring that why do we spend years of our lives happy with someone, willing to stay forever but as soon as marriage is not on the table or even in question we start packing. If she loves this man and wants to be with him why not just enjoy the journey together. 

Believe me, I am ALL for marriage. I believe in the meaning and significance of it. However, if my SO of almost 6 years never proposes… That doesn’t mean I’m going to uproot my life, cause emotional pain to myself and others and go through the fresh hell of dating just so I can find a man who wants to be married. I think being happy in a relationship is far more important than being married. I am commited to loving the man that I am with, married or not, until death do us part.  

If your friend’s SO said today that he is ready to be married and let’s go to the courthouse now… Would she marry him? Is is a marriage she wants, or a wedding?

Bee’s please don’t tear me apart for this, I know a bunch of us here are waiting. And there is nothing wrong with wanting a wedding, but the wedding is not the relationship. 

Post # 33
254 posts
Helper bee

View original reply
dalia88 :  That answer could be sincere or it could be another stalling tactic.  I would definitely tell your friend not to make any long term plans with this man.  No vacations, no leases, etc. I would highly recommend she start putting money away so that she can move out if he doesn’t propose within the agreed upon time frame.  Worse case scenario, she has money for an awesome vacation to celebrate his proposal.  

Post # 34
26 posts

I just want to shout at the rooftops when I read about men who “need another 6 months” or “by 2018” or whatever arbitrary escape clause they pull out of their backsides in the moment. I read an article yesterday that described men like this as stringers, as in they string women along. Ladies, you do not deserve that crap. Run for the hills if you are unlucky enough to get stuck with a man like this. And really, what is up with this deadline stuff? Leave. Yesterday.

My husband was (really still is) one of these most vocal opponents to marriage ever. He will talk long and hard about all the many things wrong with marriage. (He comes from a very traditional culture with arranged marriages, child marriage, etc., so he is not only talking about progressive Western marriages.) One of our first conversations was about how marriage meant zilch to us. And it really does. Committment, yes. Paperwork, meh. Literally one week after this first conversation he talked to me about getting married. Three months later we were married. That was 9 years ago. Two people who didn’t give a crap about getting married got married so we could be together. (Visa issues on both sides.) I’m here now because we are both talking now about having an awesome 10-year anniversary party next year! I simply do not believe that anyone who genuinely cares about you, cares about what you want, or cares about what is needed to stay with you would even think of making you wait to give you what you want for anything less than the most serious reason. My husband said that until the day he met me, he would rather be beaten in the street than get married. “But then I met you.” Boom. I would rather be alone than not have that level of devotion from the person I am with. 

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