(Closed) After marriage, does this stop?

posted 8 years ago in Married Life
Post # 3
Member
1810 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I think that about relationships in general, not only after marriage. There are a select few people I will go to for advice and that’s it. I don’t like having a lot of people knowing my super personal business.

Post # 4
Member
1135 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2009

I think a relationship is between two people and it should be that way whether you’re married or not.  I just think it’s disrespectful to your partner to go to everyone about whatever problems you might be having.  

Post # 5
Member
1553 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I agree wtih you…for the most part.   I think that what goes on between a husband and wife should stay between the husband and wife.  I know I would feel betrayed if I knew my husband was rehashing our disagreements with one of his friends or his sister.  I think the bond between the two is sacred and airing your spouse’s dirty laundry is just disloyal.

However, if the problem was SERIOUS ..like abuse.. I’d confide in my family.

Post # 6
Member
6572 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 2010

i think sometimes you need an outside opinion, and friends can be helpful for that. i think it depends on the friend for how much you decide to tell them. some people you know are more open to talking about certain issues than others. my bil likes to tell his parents all of his problems, including issues with their sex life. that’s too much.

Post # 7
Member
1927 posts
Buzzing bee

I disagree.  While you shouldn’t be bad mouthing your partner if you are having some problems and you think an outsider can give you some perspective then you should be able to talk to someone.  Don’t tell the world.. but a close friend who you trust is OK.  This is one of the many reasons I think it’s really important to maintain close personal relationships with people other than your spouse once you are married.

Post # 8
Member
2015 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

For the most part, I agree with the PPs. What goes on between a husband and wife is between them and only them. 

However, I think it’s okay to talk about things that aren’t minor, as long as you know your SO wouldn’t mind. Like, my husband and I openly talk about not being able to sleep in the same bed together (he’s loud, and I’m a light sleeper).

And then, of course, there are abuse issues, which be openly discussed with others, but rarely ever are. 

Post # 9
Member
3866 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

I’d say that it’s always good to have a friend you can confide in and talk to in order to get a clear-headed and unbiased opinion.  one of those “am I over reacting or was this justified?” conversations.

however, to do this EVERY TIME???  no.  that isn’t good for the relationship.  I have a friend who I think of as a sister, we’re that much alike, that I text and email and chat with on FB.  I’ll confide in her once in a while for an unbiased opinion if it’s something that is eating at me a lot.  but I don’t do that constantly.  I know my Fiance confides in his closest friends, also.  so it’s fair.

EVERYONE needs someone they can talk to, otherwise it’ll stay bottled up and eat away at the person, which IS unhealthy.  However, there needs to be a limit! 

relationships are about communication.  If you can’t communicate with your FI/SO/wife/husband, then your relationship isn’t going to work. 

and yes, even AFTER I confide in my “sister”, I also turn around and talk it out with my Fiance.  sometimes she will give me an idea on how to get my Fiance to understand me and where I’m coming from without spending three days angry at him! lol! 

Post # 10
Member
2858 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2011 - Bartram's Garden

I totally disagree.

I think it’s fine to vent to a friend or seek advice about relationship problems. And I’d hope that, if I went to a friend for advice after I got married, that she wouldn’t be like “YOU chose to marry him, so it’s YOUR problem.”

I’m not saying that I’d rather bitch to a friend instead of talk things out with the boy. And I’m not saying that I’d betray the boy’s trust. But I think it’s important to have a friend or two that you can trust and confide in.

Post # 11
Member
724 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

As long as you aren’t betraying *his* confidence (sharing a secret, etc), then I think it’s fine. People will have issues in their relationships married or not and I think it’s important to have someone who knows you and/or both of you that can help give some perspective. It’s hard to be rational when you’re emotional. But there’s a limit. If it’s on-going, then they need to seek counseling.

Post # 12
Member
1079 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

Everyone needs an outside perspective sometimes. I guess it depends on whether there are serious issues or if they have a good marriage, but had a disagreement, and she wants to know whether she’s blowing the issue out of proportion or something like that. Then again, it sounds like your friend may have some serious issues – shouldn’t it be okay to have a friend to lean on when her husband doesn’t seem to be that friend any more? It’s tough to keep issues bottled up. Maybe you should tell your friend your concerns about her marriage.

Post # 13
Member
7975 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with talking things through with certain trustworthy people. I know that I have always (and probably will always) go to two of my closest friends with pretty much everything. Of course, I’m tactful in what I tell them and how I ask for/listen to their advice. I doubt marriage will change any of that.

It sounds to me like you’re more bugged by HOW your friend goes about ‘asking for advice’ (read: complaining), rather than the fact that she’s married.

I can definitely understand your frustration if advice is regularly ignored, or if she’s unwantedly over-sharing on a regular basis. Have you ever let her know that you’re uncomfortable with the level of personal information she shares? Or expressed that you don’t feel she really wants advice, but you’re happy to listen if she just wants to verbally process? Or, I suppose, that you don’t feel comfortable giving her advice on such serious issues?

Post # 14
Member
1882 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

 I have a friend who calls me about all her dating bs and I’m just like, seriously I’m too busy to hear about how you broke up with this guy and hooked up with that guy. sure if it’s serious advice someone needs I’m there-but I’m not trying to be in an episode of the Hills. I don’t want to be someone’s therapist. So maybe you are feeling a little bit of that.

Post # 15
Member
3871 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I see what your saying and if she is constantly coming and giving you a lot of heavy duty emotional stuff then yeah, that can get annoying and can bring you down.

But I don’t think that once your married that you should keep things between just you and your husband.  For me, I guess I sometimes ask friend for some input into some of me and DH’s issues.  I’ve noticed that it sometimes gives me some perspective.  Maybe I was wrong, maybe he was wrong, maybe we were both wrong.  Sometimes I do vent to more to a certain person because that’s they are always near me and it’s one the the things that was small talk but then I opened my mouth and couldn’t stop.  I do try not to vent too much because I don’t want them to get the feeling that I’m having major issues.  I think it’s good to vent to other people than your husband. 

There are things that I do think is personal and that should stay between you and the husband and maybe a super close best friend. 

ETA: Also, I did have an “uh oh” moment before the wedding when I was talking to a close coworker of mine.  I asked her a opinion on somethign my Mother-In-Law wanted to do. She agreed with me and that caused me to get into the details and problems this had caused between me and the Darling Husband.  I told her the Darling Husband was siding with the mom which then lead us into who you should defend your mom or your future wife.  My coworker was on my side but realized that I shouldn’t have spilled my guts so much. Uhh, yeah, got a bit personal and that’s when I had an “uh oh” moment and tried to change the subject and make it seem like the problem isn’t that bad any more.  Oops.  Yeah, never brought that up again. 

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