Post # 1
Do you think it’s no longer acceptable to discuss relationship problems to others after you get married? Before you get all worried, don’t! Haha, Mr. Moderndaisy and I are fine. I am asking because I have someone close to me who calls me constantly to ask for advice/vent about her marraige and I got to thinking about this. I know this sounds mean, but I feel like she chose to marry him, so shouldn’t it sort of be her problem at this point?
It’s not that I don’t want to be there for my friends, but the constant problems are weighing me down. Plus, I feel like maybe at least some of that stuff should be kept private between husband and wife. I’m not a counselor and I wasn’t a psych major, but I do give advice (it’s never followed).
Does anyone agree with me that once you get married, you shouldn’t go to others with all of your dirty laundry? (at least as much). Shouldn’t you try to focus on working things out privately and not involving others?
Post # 3
I think that about relationships in general, not only after marriage. There are a select few people I will go to for advice and that’s it. I don’t like having a lot of people knowing my super personal business.
Post # 4
I think a relationship is between two people and it should be that way whether you’re married or not. I just think it’s disrespectful to your partner to go to everyone about whatever problems you might be having.
Post # 5
I agree wtih you…for the most part. I think that what goes on between a husband and wife should stay between the husband and wife. I know I would feel betrayed if I knew my husband was rehashing our disagreements with one of his friends or his sister. I think the bond between the two is sacred and airing your spouse’s dirty laundry is just disloyal.
However, if the problem was SERIOUS ..like abuse.. I’d confide in my family.
Post # 6
i think sometimes you need an outside opinion, and friends can be helpful for that. i think it depends on the friend for how much you decide to tell them. some people you know are more open to talking about certain issues than others. my bil likes to tell his parents all of his problems, including issues with their sex life. that’s too much.
Post # 7
I disagree. While you shouldn’t be bad mouthing your partner if you are having some problems and you think an outsider can give you some perspective then you should be able to talk to someone. Don’t tell the world.. but a close friend who you trust is OK. This is one of the many reasons I think it’s really important to maintain close personal relationships with people other than your spouse once you are married.
Post # 8
For the most part, I agree with the PPs. What goes on between a husband and wife is between them and only them.
However, I think it’s okay to talk about things that aren’t minor, as long as you know your SO wouldn’t mind. Like, my husband and I openly talk about not being able to sleep in the same bed together (he’s loud, and I’m a light sleeper).
And then, of course, there are abuse issues, which be openly discussed with others, but rarely ever are.
Post # 9
I’d say that it’s always good to have a friend you can confide in and talk to in order to get a clear-headed and unbiased opinion. one of those “am I over reacting or was this justified?” conversations.
however, to do this EVERY TIME??? no. that isn’t good for the relationship. I have a friend who I think of as a sister, we’re that much alike, that I text and email and chat with on FB. I’ll confide in her once in a while for an unbiased opinion if it’s something that is eating at me a lot. but I don’t do that constantly. I know my Fiance confides in his closest friends, also. so it’s fair.
EVERYONE needs someone they can talk to, otherwise it’ll stay bottled up and eat away at the person, which IS unhealthy. However, there needs to be a limit!
relationships are about communication. If you can’t communicate with your FI/SO/wife/husband, then your relationship isn’t going to work.
and yes, even AFTER I confide in my “sister”, I also turn around and talk it out with my Fiance. sometimes she will give me an idea on how to get my Fiance to understand me and where I’m coming from without spending three days angry at him! lol!
Post # 10
- Wedding: May 2011 - Bartram's Garden
I totally disagree.
I think it’s fine to vent to a friend or seek advice about relationship problems. And I’d hope that, if I went to a friend for advice after I got married, that she wouldn’t be like “YOU chose to marry him, so it’s YOUR problem.”
I’m not saying that I’d rather bitch to a friend instead of talk things out with the boy. And I’m not saying that I’d betray the boy’s trust. But I think it’s important to have a friend or two that you can trust and confide in.
Post # 11
As long as you aren’t betraying *his* confidence (sharing a secret, etc), then I think it’s fine. People will have issues in their relationships married or not and I think it’s important to have someone who knows you and/or both of you that can help give some perspective. It’s hard to be rational when you’re emotional. But there’s a limit. If it’s on-going, then they need to seek counseling.
Post # 12
Everyone needs an outside perspective sometimes. I guess it depends on whether there are serious issues or if they have a good marriage, but had a disagreement, and she wants to know whether she’s blowing the issue out of proportion or something like that. Then again, it sounds like your friend may have some serious issues – shouldn’t it be okay to have a friend to lean on when her husband doesn’t seem to be that friend any more? It’s tough to keep issues bottled up. Maybe you should tell your friend your concerns about her marriage.
Post # 13
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with talking things through with certain trustworthy people. I know that I have always (and probably will always) go to two of my closest friends with pretty much everything. Of course, I’m tactful in what I tell them and how I ask for/listen to their advice. I doubt marriage will change any of that.
It sounds to me like you’re more bugged by HOW your friend goes about ‘asking for advice’ (read: complaining), rather than the fact that she’s married.
I can definitely understand your frustration if advice is regularly ignored, or if she’s unwantedly over-sharing on a regular basis. Have you ever let her know that you’re uncomfortable with the level of personal information she shares? Or expressed that you don’t feel she really wants advice, but you’re happy to listen if she just wants to verbally process? Or, I suppose, that you don’t feel comfortable giving her advice on such serious issues?
Post # 14
I have a friend who calls me about all her dating bs and I’m just like, seriously I’m too busy to hear about how you broke up with this guy and hooked up with that guy. sure if it’s serious advice someone needs I’m there-but I’m not trying to be in an episode of the Hills. I don’t want to be someone’s therapist. So maybe you are feeling a little bit of that.
Post # 15
I see what your saying and if she is constantly coming and giving you a lot of heavy duty emotional stuff then yeah, that can get annoying and can bring you down.
But I don’t think that once your married that you should keep things between just you and your husband. For me, I guess I sometimes ask friend for some input into some of me and DH’s issues. I’ve noticed that it sometimes gives me some perspective. Maybe I was wrong, maybe he was wrong, maybe we were both wrong. Sometimes I do vent to more to a certain person because that’s they are always near me and it’s one the the things that was small talk but then I opened my mouth and couldn’t stop. I do try not to vent too much because I don’t want them to get the feeling that I’m having major issues. I think it’s good to vent to other people than your husband.
There are things that I do think is personal and that should stay between you and the husband and maybe a super close best friend.
ETA: Also, I did have an “uh oh” moment before the wedding when I was talking to a close coworker of mine. I asked her a opinion on somethign my Mother-In-Law wanted to do. She agreed with me and that caused me to get into the details and problems this had caused between me and the Darling Husband. I told her the Darling Husband was siding with the mom which then lead us into who you should defend your mom or your future wife. My coworker was on my side but realized that I shouldn’t have spilled my guts so much. Uhh, yeah, got a bit personal and that’s when I had an “uh oh” moment and tried to change the subject and make it seem like the problem isn’t that bad any more. Oops. Yeah, never brought that up again.
Post # 16
@ddw:No, I have never let her know how I feel, I have only shared it with you bees! It’s not that I’m uncomfortable talking about it, it’s just constant problems that are weighing me down. Maybe I should, but I don’t know if I could ever tell her that I”m sick of hearing about it.
It’s not that I think once you get married you suddenly can’t go to your friends at all, but I feel like it changes the dynamic. Now it’s between husband and wife, you’ve made that commitment and brought it to the next level, so like some other bees were saying in this thread certain things need to stay between the two of you (unless obviously there is real physical abuse). I sort of feel like you are betraying each others trust by sharing too much info and should shoulder a little more burden of keeping it to yourself or at least choosing to work it out with your husband/wife instead of getting other opinions.
I personally was always hesitant to tell anyone anytime Darling Husband and I fought before we got married. The reason being, first of all because it was never really bad so it’s not like I had to get help or anything. Second, I didn’t want to color anyone’s opinion of our relationship or Darling Husband unfairly, obviously they are only hearing my side. And really I feel like it’s so sensational to hear about a couple fight, the desire to spread that around would be too great. God forbid it got back to someone like his parents who would really have no choice but to take DH’s side then it’s awkward between us.