(Closed) After some time, it's broken forever.

posted 5 years ago in Waiting
  • poll: After some time, its no longer a surprise, and the other person just needs to do it already!
    You are being silly, it's always special, no matter how long you have to wait. : (19 votes)
    23 %
    You are SO right! : (25 votes)
    30 %
    I kind of agree with you. : (26 votes)
    32 %
    You girl, have too much free time on your hands. :P : (12 votes)
    15 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    2070 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: July 2014

    @lsimpson:  I agree. Some of the bees’ stories make me really sad and I wonder whether they will ever recover from the stress of waiting. I think it’s silly to drag it out for months for the sake of having a “big surprise event”.

     

    I think it’s better if you aren’t surprised that the other person would like to marry you (and your friends aren’t, too) because to me that suggests you’ve talked about it and friends see you as a stable happy couple. We’d been together 8 1/2 years when we got engaged and everyone said “well, after all this time it’s not a surprise”.

     

    But the moment of my proposal itself was a surprise – due to a misunderstanding where I thought we were going to go ring shopping first and he thought I’d asked to pick my own ring afterwards. So I thought there was no way we were getting engaged on our big trip around Europe! I admit it was nice that the moment itself came as a surprise but I already knew he would ask someday.

     

    Post # 5
    Member
    925 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: April 2014

    I picked out my own ring, I KNEW he had it in the house for months, and I was still absolutely shocked when he popped the question.

    ETA: I now realize your post is about why boys go so far out of their way to make it a surprise even after years of being together…. I agree, it’s a bit ridiculous, but it’s just like how we hope for the perfect proposal. I think it’s just a “thing.”

    Post # 6
    Member
    2070 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: July 2014

    @lsimpson:  I agree – my thoughts got kind of confused in my head but yes, once you both know you want to get married it’s silly to wait for months for the sake of having a big fancy proposal. In my opinion, if you’ve decided to get married, you’re already engaged (but I know others on here will disagree).

    Post # 7
    Member
    6339 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: August 2014

    @lsimpson:  I don’t understand waiting, in the sense of setting timelines, or, having actually bought the ring, but still not had a proposal. For me, if you know he has the ring, you might as well just get engaged; I really do not get why people wait for a ‘surprise’ proposal.

    In our case, we began speaking about getting married seriously after about 3 years together, but could never have got engaged then as I was still studying and the timing just wasn’t right. I figured he’d propose in summer 2011/summer 2012; he proposed February 2011, and it was a huge surprise, I didn’t see it coming at all. I loved that it was a surprise.

    However, had we picked a ring together, had he told me he’d bought it, or had we been in a position to get married sooner, I’d have found waiting frustrating and pointless and begun to question the relationship. I mean, there’s someone on another forum, and they decided they wanted to get married, set a date and everything, but he wouldn’t propose or make it official for ages; it was just weird IMPO, I didn’t understand it at all. As far as I'[m concerned, if you’ve set a date and started planning, you are engaged, with or without a ring or proposal.

    Post # 8
    Member
    9952 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: December 2012

    IMO… it is ALL ABOUT being on the same page.

    Sometimes that happens early… sometimes late.

    Unfortunately you can’t predict WHEN the other person… and you will be on the same page.

    What I do think is silly is how many Girls spend endless time wishing & hoping… praying that it will happen.

    Afraid that IF they make mention of the M-Word they will scare the guy off…

    Altho to be sure that might happen… it is LIFE

    YOUR LIFE… and ONLY YOU are in charge of it

    I think too many women (particularly young women) GIVE AWAY too much of their lives to other people to make decisions on instead of them making them on their own

    Putting themselves too often in a REACTIONARY mode rather than a PRO-ACTION mode.

    (Witness FaceBook and all the DRAMA it seems to cause in friendships, Wedding Planning etc … simple solution… get to H#LL off FB)

    Same with relationships…

    The most important thing a woman can do is KNOW HER OWN MIND

    KNOW exactly what it is she wants out of life… and the “road map” she needs to get there

    And that isn’t just a romantic relationship with ONE particular man (the one she is currently dating)… but her more extensive overall LIFE PLAN

    A list of what are her priorities and WHEN she’d like to see them happen:

    Example… Finish School – Get a Job – Move in Together / Get Engaged – Plan a Wedding – Get Married – Honeymoon – Get a Better Job – Buy a House etc.

    Then she needs to share that LIFE PLAN with her man… and see what he has to say in reply.

    That will tell her everything.

    Whether he is ready to make such plans himself, or just content to let things be.

    Whatever the outcome… SHE WILL KNOW

    KNOW what his position on the matter is.  WHERE his head & heart are at.

    Then it is up to her… she needs to not put her LIFE PLAN (Dreams) aside… she needs to keep moving on-track

    He is either gonna be with her or not… or she’ll be holding herself from all that she could be

    (and that is sad… IMO no woman should do that)

    She doesn’t need to give a guy an ULTIMATUM or issue any THREATS

    She KNOWS the landscape… she / he is either on-board or she / he isn’t.

    Honestly, some of the posts on the WAITING BOARD break my heart… too many women giving away soo much of themselves (youth, beauty, years) to guys that clearly DON’T DESERVE it.

    If it isn’t working out… holding you back.. or breaking your heart… you are with the wrong guy IMO

    Love shouldn’t look like that EVER

    These are lessons I learned the hard way… thru my Dating Years and being Married to the WRONG PERSON.

    I had it all wrong… I was spending too much of ME on someone else… BIG MISTAKE

    You can’t one day wake up and get those years back… they are gone.  DON’T WASTE THEM ON SOMEONE WHO DOESN”T APPRECIATE THEM

    That’s it, that’s all.

    — — —

    EDIT TO ADD:

    For the record…

    This time round…

    Mr TTR and I are Encores.  We had no concept of ever marrying again when we first started dating having been severely burned by our past relationships (each of us having been married in the 20 to 25 year range)

    We were quite content with our Dating Life.  And we dated for over 5 years with no mention of marriage.  And we probably would have dated forever… quite happily.

    BUT then things changed for me… it had to do with some family issues, and us having lost a good friend at a fairly early age to a serious illness.

    I came to realize that life was short… and Marriage was indeed IMPORTANT FOR ME.  So it was back on table.  I told Mr TTR my concerns… laid it all out.  And told him my LIFE PLAN (that was Fall 2011)

    He pretty clearly then knew that I wanted to be married within the year (end of 2012).  And so he took it to heart… while I went along with my merry life, not too worried on what he would do or not do.  (Altho to be fair, there were times I’d kid him about it… but I NEVER pushed him for the Proposal / Engagement)

    I stopped fretting about it out loud… and kept it to myself (aka similar to Mr Bee’s Plan or the Shut Up Pact)

    And it worked… Engagement at Easter, April 2012.  And a Wedding over the Christmas Holidays.

    We’ve been married several months now and couldn’t be happier… but at the same time there is a lot of stuff that just feels the same / right… because it wasn’t a huge drama / trauma to us this GETTING MARRIED… because it was all part of a long range LIFE PLAN… one that WE CHOSE TO SHARE IN TOGETHER

    PS… WHAT IF he had not proposed ??

    Well from that moment on it would have been MY CHOICE… MY LIFE CHOICE.

    We could have continued Dating (maybe forever*). 

    OR I could have decided that I was cheating myself out of something I really wanted (Marriage) and so left him to go find that somewhere else.

    OR I could have let the relationship run its course, and my frustration would have probably ended it eventually*

    *NOTE (On points 1 and 3 above) – IF this had been MY CHOICE, then it would be understood that Marriage was OFF THE TABLE, and that I was expected to not bring it up again.  To do so is unfair because by your actions you’ve already gone into pouty mode.  IN BOTH of these examples you are in an essence giving up a piece of your life to someone else to control… in that it isn’t your Authentic Self… and you aren’t being TRUE TO YOU…

     

    Post # 9
    Member
    1459 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: July 2017 - Bristol zoo

    @This Time Round:  you always make such wonderful posts, it really is a joy reading them, thank you x

    Post # 10
    Member
    6256 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: March 2014

    I understand a guy wanting to do it his way. I think the problem comes in when he cares more about making it a big, elaborate spectacle (and seeing it as a “reward” for the girlfriend for not bringing it up for a set amount of time)  than he cares about giving the sort of reassurance and meaningful shows of progress that would make both the spectacle and any nagging needless in the first place.

    Post # 11
    Member
    9952 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: December 2012

    Lol, as for your Poll.

    I VOTED for # 1 – IT IS ALWAYS SPECIAL

    That said,

    I do think your title and basic concept is silly (you asked) if not just down right sad.

    Your use of the word BROKEN speaks volumes.

    If a relationship is broken it certainly shouldn’t be on its way to Marriage, and Forever After

    TRUE, not every girl is gonna get a Hollywood Proposal (infact most don’t)… in the majority of cases two people just talk about it and decide to get married and build a life together

    That doesn’t mean that their experience is anything less than wonderful… or right for them

    And some guys ask, and some don’t.

    Sometimes folks get just a casual remark like my own famous Non-Proposal when Mr TTR saw a couple having Wedding Photos taken on a beach on vacation….

    “That looks like fun, we should do that”

    And I said “Really ??”

    And he replied “Ya, look into it for the next time we are here”

    Hardly the stuff that movies are made of… but that was it… he was dead serious.  And that was enough for me.

    Not magical by maybe someone else’s standards… but those words and that moment will FOREVER be treasured by me… as will the day we FOUND THE RING… or two weeks later picked it up and he ever so quietly / gently slipped it on my finger in the middle of the Jewellery Store.

    This is a zillion miles away from BROKEN

    (Trust me I’ve been Divorced… that is what Spiritually & Emotionally Broken really & truly looks like)

     

    Post # 12
    Member
    189 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: June 2014

    Just wanted to chime in with my two cents here.  I didn’t really have to “wait” this time (i’m an encore bride myself).  We dated four months and got engaged last week.  There was no huge surprise about it, we talked about it the entire time, we just knew.  He can’t keep a secret for jacksh!t so I knew he had the ring, in fact the night he proposed he put my hand on his coat pocket and I could feel the ring box in there.  So dorky.  That night after we came home, he proposed while we were just sitting on the couch unwinding from our evening.  With my XH, girls let me tell you, I WAITED.  We dated six years, lived together for three before he FINALLY did it and it was a surprise when it happened.  Of course we had discussed it to death, but I just never pictured him actually doing it.  Perhaps that was a sign to not marry the guy, but oh well, I don’t regret a single second of any of it, because I have two beautiful children and am engaged to the man of my dreams.

    Sorry kinda veered off there.

    Post # 13
    Member
    375 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: June 2015

    I think the whole “surprise” proposal shouldn’t be a total shock, anyway. This is the start of a lifelong commitment; the couple should both know and have discussed their plans for the future. 

    I know almost all couples do discuss marriage before the actual proposal, but still men claim they need that perfect SHOCKA moment. They should understand that whenever they propose, the girl will not be expecting it that second, and will be excited.

    (This is not my situation, but I think many of us are in this boat). For those of us who don’t even really like surprises in general, being told we need to wait and hold on for this big dramatic surprise — and we can’t talk about a subject of importance to our lives because it will ruin a surprise — is just adding irritaition and frustration to doubt. It’s as if it’s not enough that we aren’t where we want to be in our relationships, our SOs also don’t even seem to really know us and our priorities at all.

    I understand a man who wants to make a proposal exciting or dramatic. I don’t agree with a man who holds that dream of his over his girlfriend’s head. The moment shouldn’t be more important than the person.

    Life isn’t a Hollywood movie, and trying to force it to be will only frustrate you. Guys, most of you hate romantic comedies anyway, so just cut the Hollywood dramatic moments and be genuine.

    Post # 14
    Member
    366 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    I agree, it is just too hard to wait. You just start asking yourself too many questions. And as one bee pointed out, when we can’t talk about a subject of importance like that, seriously, it makes it really really difficult and sad. I am sad. Tired of knowing the ring is here in its box in its bag, knowing that my SO is “not ready yet to be engaged”, although he wants to spend his life with me (that is what he said).

     

    Honestly, it makes me withdraw from him. I don’t want to do that, but it is unavoidable, I am so not as much into him as I used to be! I see him as someone who has to bring himself to want to commit to me, who is hurting my feelings, etc. We have been living together for almost a year now, and we’ve dated for two and a half year, both with good jobs, no debts, more than old enough, friends married, etc We had many discussions about it, he knows how I feel. But the ring is waiting in a drawer while he is getting ready. I mean, he already bought a ring and talked wedding, WHY can’t he just make it official? I want a really small wedding, but I would love to start planning with our families (they both live very far), etc. He says I should start planning, but I just glared at him! I’m not going to plan if I can’t even talk to our families about it, because a lot will have to do with when they can get together (his parents have a farm, mine live on an isolated island, my brother has three kids, etc). I’m just SOOO frustrated to wait after him! Seems that is all I ever do!

     

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