(Closed) After wedding he wants to move. Throughly freaking out.

posted 4 years ago in Travel
Post # 16
7624 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

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crazedbride2017 :  do you want to have kids? What solutions have you put on the table if you don’t want to move to Sacramento?

I’m now 7 hours away from my parents so I think 1.5 hours would be nothing. We talk on the phone a couple of times a week and text almost everyday but moving really helped grow my relationship with my DH because I stopped being so dependent on them. You could meet in the middle for dinner during the week and easily see them on the weekends.

45 minutes away is not a “pop in” distance at all so I don’t think you need to worry about that with your Future Mother-In-Law. Also, have you considered that your Fiance doesn’t particularly like being so close to your parents just as you don’t want to be too close to his mom?

Post # 17
664 posts
Busy bee

If you’re still getting used to being 15 minutes away, 1.5 hours will be good to experience – tough but good. I live a 1.5 hour flight away and my family is extremely close knit. Despite the distance, we facetime with each other at least once a day – to chat, show-off what we’re cooking/eating, what we bought (what we’re buying – sis and mom like to facetime me in fitting rooms) and just hang out. I have lived a 5 mins drive, a 2.5 hour drive and an 8 hour flight away. I love my family but in all honnestly, a 1.5 – 2 hour drive (even 5 hours) would be the ideal. It’s long enough that you get to build your own life with your FI/DH and avoid drama but it’s short enough that they can still be present in the lives of any future children, stop by if you need help or spend the weekend without spending lots of $$$.

The best part though is that you end up really appreciating the time that you do spend with them and vice versa. I’d start by renting for a year (give it at least a year) in that location – that way the change won’t feel as drastic. 

Post # 18
1259 posts
Bumble bee

You see threads all the time about how the guy is unable to cut the apron strings, and in this case OP, I think you’re the one having trouble.

1.5 hours away is nothing, in fact, I think it’s a pretty nice distance and I’m very close with my family.  I have lived 4 hours away (college) and currently live an hour away.  Even though I’m close with them, I don’t feel the need to speak to them every single day.  A few times a week works for me.

My sister on the other hand, lives about 20 minutes away from our parents and I don’t feel like she has ever fully grown up because she is so emotionally dependent on them, so much that it is causing problems in her marriage.  My brother in law got a great job offer that would have taken them about 2 hours away and my sister absolutely refused to move.  Because my sister tells my mom so much, she does meddle a bit and as you can imagine, it’s not a good situation.

I think you need to realize that this is part of life and you need to put your spouse first.  Maybe he doesn’t want to live that close to your family and his wanting to move to a lower cost of living area makes smart financial sense.

Post # 19
1440 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

If you’re old enough to get married, buy a house, and start planning your own family, you are old enough to cut those apron strings and start focusing on your new family and what *you* want. 

Post # 20
245 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

I left the Bay Area and moved 6+ hours away to Oregon. It was one of the best decisions I ever made. We bought a lovely house, we live in a great neighborhood, and I can work part time and still have this quality of life. I see my family about once a month. Sometimes just for a weekend, but I spend a week visiting twice a year. They also come visit us in Oregon. 

When I think what my life would have been like to stay in Sonoma County (where I’m from) I shudder. As much as I love my family and adore the area itself, it just isn’t worth the cost to me. I would be stressed out, stuffed into some small & outrageously process apartment, and paying twice as much for my groceries and gas. I don’t think I’d even have a life outside of work. Everytime I visit I’m reminded of how expensive it is. That and all my friends live with 5 roommates or their parents still because getting ahead is essentially impossible. 

Do what’s right for you. Only you know if that’s moving. But, remember there is a great area. Tell your husband you’re open to moving and trying it, but you don’t want to commit to buying a house until you know the distance works for you. 

Post # 21
6907 posts
Busy Beekeeper

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crazedbride2017 :  I used to live 3 hours from my family – we almost never visited each other.  Now I live 2000 miles away and see them only a little less often.  One of the (many, many) reasons I don’t live in California is because of housing costs – I don’t need to watch all my money disappear on something like that.  

My recommendation is that you don’t just sit down with “yeah I want to move to Sacramento.”  Look around at your options.  Is there a better place to go?  Somewhere you’d feel more comfortable or have more to keep you occupied?  Where are the best prices on plane tickets to fly back to the bay area?  How you do plan on splitting up holiday visits in future?  What will be the ground rules for Mother-In-Law stopping by? (I bet she rarely does.  45 minutes is a long time for a surprise visit)  Can some of the money saved on rent go toward frequent visits with your own family? (when my husband moved to me, he was understandably worried about leaving his giant family – I encourage hiim to visit when it’s feasible)

Post # 23
1259 posts
Bumble bee

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crazedbride2017 :  I would not worry about your Mother-In-Law.  45 minutes is a far bit of time to just “drop in”.  You BOTH have to be on board with boundaries and have these set before you move.

FWIW, when I lived with my ex Fiance, we lived closer to his family than mine (for work reasons) and his mom was super excited at first that we were “so close” that she could just drop in.  My ex made it very clear that we didn’t want that to happen and she needed to contact us first.  Because he was so upfront with her, she never did try to just come over, and the few times she did, she always asked first.  You can definitely set the standard now.

Post # 24
1807 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

My husbands family is in Australia, and my family is a 6 hour flight away. You learn to live with it. As you’ll still be able to drive to see your parents every week, I wouldn’t worry. You’re still super close in the grand scheme of things. Also – there are phones, texting, Skype … It will be like you’re almost there with your family every day

I always think of my grandma, who left Scotland for Canada in 1923 and never saw her parents again. They wrote letters – so it took weeks to find out her brother was killed in the war, and her parents had died. At least today we would hear the news within an hour at most – in those days you just had to deal with the separation. 

We went to England last summer, and I emailed video to my mom, phoned her daily, sent photos and skyped. She said she felt like she was there with us. So much different from when we went when i was 11 – the Internet makes you feel so much more connected to people. 

Post # 25
731 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

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crazedbride2017 :  cali bee here! I get the home prices thing (I live in a 1200 400 Sq ft apartment!). Sacramento isn’t that much cheaper from where you are…and it is sacramento. Not cheap enough to make me move, so I think the move is about FI’s family. Zillow is really helpful for pricing neighborhoods and stuff. I’d recommend you price neghborhoods in the middle of you and FI’s family… You don’t want an everybody loves Raymond situation  (and perhaps mention how miserable Raymond himself was!).

There is probably also pressure from FI’s dad for you to move out that you aren’t aware of. He is loosing an extra $500ish a month by renting to you. Many people out here use rental income to pay their own inflated morgages.

Also, dealing with in laws is about the other spouse setting boundries. Mother-In-Law and I live 30 min away and 15 min away from my parents (it’s as close as I could get to the middle while avoiding sketchy areas). They never visit. Mother-In-Law popped by once…and  DH and I made it really clear she wasn’t welcome. (Before any bees criticize about my “poor” Mother-In-Law, I had just gotten out of the hospital that morning and Mother-In-Law showed up to guilt trip me and ask me to do stuff for the wedding. Sorry…not doing anything until Dr says it’s ok). It’s about setting boundaries and making it clear when it’s OK and when it isn’t ok to visit, and there being clear consequence when they don’t respect those boundries (like skipping weekly dinner or usual visit). 

Post # 26
4251 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: February 2009

We live 13 hours away from family.  You are being unreasonable.  He is trying to create a life with you!  That is a good thing.  I can’t understand how that is not more important.  And I agree with the PPs that pointed out he may want a little space from your family too…

Post # 27
590 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2017 - Nepal

Hi there! It may be hard to move further from your mom, but you need to think about what your goals are with your husband. Let’s face it, most people living in the Bay Area will never be able to afford to buy a home. I was born and raised there and currently live outside of Sacramento. To give a little perspective, my best friend lives In San Jose and pays $3,400 a month to rent a 1 bedroom apartment. I rent a 3 bedroom house in Fair Oaks (20 minutes north of Sacramento) for $1,500. To me that is a huge difference. We are looking to buy soon and we can buy something decent for around $400,000. Would I rather live in the Bay Area? Absolutely. I don’t love Sacramento but there are some great areas outside including Folsom, El Dorado Hills, Roseville and Rocklin. They are nice communities that would be great for raising children. Plus, I’m only an hour from Lake Tahoe ☺️

Post # 28
2120 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

I’m going to echo other PP – 1.5 hours is not far – my husband drives 1.5 hours to work every morning lol. 

I recently moved from 45 miles from my family to 2100 miles from my family. It’s a tough transition, but when I was 45 miles (about an hour drive) from my parents, I stopped by all the time. Seriously. it’s not like you’re a 6 hour flight from them. Plus, living in 500 sq feet is not doable long term. I would kill my husband lol. my husband drives 1.5 hours to work every morning lol. In regards to your Mother-In-Law, I’ve never understood not liking my husband’s parents, but you’ll just have to set boundaries. 

Post # 29
1887 posts
Buzzing bee

Is Sacramento somewhere you’d actually want to live, though? There are a lot of options in California that meet the criteria of “less expensive than the Bay Area.” It seems like your Fiance picked the city and you are feeling trapped, so maybe you can do a little research on your own to look into some other options. Take charge of your own life.

I agree with PPs that getting some independence from your parents would probably be good for you. It’s one thing to live close because that’s what makes you happy, but it doesn’t sound like you’ve experienced anything different and are at least partially staying because of anxiety.

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