(Closed) How do I respond to this??

posted 6 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
735 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Yes, it’s perfectly acceptable to decline an invitation – for any reason.  You aren’t close, so sending a gift would be a kind gesture, but really quite above what is called for.

All you are required to do in response to the invitation is to send your regrets (by mail is more traditional, so you really can’t be faulted for not calling!) and to wish the happy couple well.

Post # 4
1638 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@MsMindle:  If it will cause drama to call, then yeah send a small token and don’t attend the wedding. I think it’s nice you are sending a gift!

Post # 5
328 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Unless the post office made some sort of error, it sounds like this was a B list invite situation. Based on the relationship you have with these people, I would definitely not go. I would RSVP though, maybe your Fiance can call, and try calling at a time of day you think you’d get an answering machine. I would not send a gift, just a congratulatory card. IMO, These people are gift grabbing and knew you wouldn’t come.

Post # 6
197 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Who leaves a phone number to RSVP too???  

Weird – I too wouldn’t call.  And I think a small gift and a nice note is a very nice gesture!  Be the better person 🙂

Post # 7
14445 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

Yeah, I’d totally just send a card and decline that way.

Post # 8
9955 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

Sadly, this sounds like a situation where “poor planning” went into executing the B-List (there is a way to do this tactfully, and sending out the Invites after the RSVP Date IS NOT IT !!)

Agree that wanting RSVPs by phone, for a Wedding is a bit unusual (odd)

To avoid drama, I understand your wanting to reply in writing.  As the Invite had a very “casual” choice of doing the RSVP by phone, you could always do so my email which is also considered “casual”… the advantage would be that your reply would be more timely… you being the very conscious etiquette gues (which obviously the Host / Bride wasn’t)

Then you are free to, or not to, follow-up with a card for Best Wishes, and gift if so like.


Post # 9
7904 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2012 - Pelican Grand Beach Resort

I think that’s completely appropriate.

Post # 10
1765 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I would respond by mail as well. I was recently in a similar situation with an estranged family member, and I felt that responding by phone would cause drama so I sent my response in the mail.

Post # 12
1043 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

I think a card declining the invite and sending good wishes is totally appropriate.  The fact that you’re even considering sending a small gift is pretty amazing.  If I hadn’t spoken to someone in 16+ years, there’s no way I’d be sending them a gift for their B-list invite.  

Post # 13
1370 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

I like @Luv2BeachIt:  idea. A nice handwritten card wishing them the best and declining the invite is all you should have to do. A small giftcard is more than I would do!

Post # 14
1697 posts
Bumble bee

Correct formal manners say that you should reply to an invitation in the same form as the invitation was made. Since you received it in the mails, you should reply by mail, on your own stationery, using the same tone of formality. The phone number is obviously there simply as a convenience for those who don’t know how to respond properly 😉

As a separate note, send a sweet letter of congratulations and good wishes. If you like, you may send a wedding gift along with the note: the note is mandatory, the gift is optional.

Post # 15
1513 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

sounds like you have a good plan! i am really confused though – do you think they would be upset if you declined? is that how calling would create drama?  the family member might be reaching out to establish a connection rather than to start something?

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