Again!! This woman is relentless!!

posted 2 weeks ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
781 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

Honestly, it’s hard to say much about what to do because the example of her “neediness” is literally her asking you what you did today. This is clearly not a needy thing to ask in the vast majority of circumstances. That being said, I know that there’s more to it than those exact words that she said. 

I feel like you have three options. 1. keep being passive and saying, “Okay.” This probably won’t help much. 2. Be assertive with her and tell her exactly how you feel about her behavior. 3. Tell your husband exactly how you feel about her behavior and have him take care of it. 

Post # 3
Member
941 posts
Busy bee

I mean…I don’t think someone asking you to hang out by the pool is so bad. It seems like you’re annoyed by EVERYTHING she does which isn’t really fair to her

Post # 4
Member
2364 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

View original reply
@gaiasphere12:  Based on the information provided, I cannot see what your Mother-In-Law did that was out of line. However, what I can say is that respecting your in laws is part of respecting your husband. You should never “tell her off”…and this is coming from somebody that has an extremely estranged relationship with her Mother-In-Law. I have never disrespected my husband’s mother and I never will. Visit less often. maintain your distance. Set appropriate boundaries. Do all of those things but also always be the bigger person.

Post # 6
Member
1740 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2019 - City, State

View original reply
@gaiasphere12:  Nothing in your original post suggested she wants to spend every waking minute with you or is always “on your ass.” Your post merely stated she asked you what you did that day, then offered for you to come take advantage of their pool. Which is not in any way needy and is actually a kind offer. We only have the information you provided, which was pretty innocuous in nature. 

How is she on your ass? What kinds of digs does she throw at you? A day off from what?

Post # 7
Member
568 posts
Busy bee

Does she want you to spend every waking minute with her or does she frequently ask you to get together and you never really give her a straight answer? Do you work? Does she maybe think she is being nice by offering to spend some time with you and bound with you during the day? 

Like others have said, you’ve given us very little detail. I’d love to hang by the pool. I don’t really understand your objections

Post # 8
Bee
5205 posts
Bee Keeper

Remind me to hug my fabulous daughter in law. 

Sweetie, in this world you get what you give. It’s that simple. Give nice.

View original reply
@gaiasphere12:  

Post # 9
Member
2364 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

View original reply
@gaiasphere12:  I pretty much interpret this as your mother in law ‘making small talk’ near the pool… You’re clearly upset so I would take some time to process and gather your thoughts before you decide to speak with your husband or mother in law about this.

Post # 10
Hostess
4353 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

I went and read your last post about your Mother-In-Law and even within the context of that, it still sounds like you have reached the “Bitch Eating Crackers” stage in your hatred of her. Have you thought about reframing your perspective of her so the simple fact that she exists doesn’t cause you such unbearable stress? I know your husband likes to go over there regularly, have you stopped going over? Would you prefer it if she never spoke to you at all? It sounds like she was speaking to you in a neutral space, the home of someone else, what was preventing you from just saying “Oh, not today, but thank you!” 

Post # 11
Member
1708 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: City, State

Is this the same Mother-In-Law that gets possessive and pissed off if you do things without her/without telling her and expects you to spend time with her if you have a day off? 

Id repreatedly say, “I was spending some much needed alone-time, relaxing.” I would see her at group gatherings only. Never go over just to hang out on your own. 

Post # 13
Member
7885 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I remember your previous post, and TBH I’d be annoyed as well. But if this is how she is, you need to learn to shut it down.

If she texts you “what are you doing today? Come by, lets hang by the pool” just say “I cant today sorry! I’ll see you next saturday for Cousin Joe’s birthday though!” and just leave it. You dont need to tell her what youre doing. You dont *need* to be doing anything to turn down an invite. If she asks you later what you were doing you can make something up, say you were catching up on errands, say you were taking a nap, whatever. She doesnt get to monopolize your time, and setting some boundaries like this now will probably help. She will eventually stop asking you to come over 24/7. Or maybe you can initiate meet ups with HER, so that its on your terms instead of hers?

Post # 14
Member
1740 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2019 - City, State

View original reply
@gaiasphere12:  Gotcha. My Mother-In-Law is somewhat similar, she’s not a bad person, just has a very narrow worldview and is very pointed if something doesn’t fit in with that worldview.

Really it just comes down to ignoring the bad behavior. If she’s rude about something, I either act like she didn’t say anything, reply with a polite “No, I like it that way,” or if it’s really rude I make eye contact then immediately start talking to someone else. If she texts and I don’t feel like entertaining her invasive questions, I don’t reply. I don’t give her explanations as to why I don’t reply or why it took me however long. I am always polite when I reply, and I don’t wait a week to reply to requests to spend time together, but my replies are on my terms.

Unfortunately it’s a lather, rinse, repeat sort of thing. You can’t change who she is as a person. But you can decide how pissed off you let her make you. She is what she is, be polite but maintain your boundaries. Eventually she will ease up if you are consistent. Have your husband handle all communication (as in texts, calls, plans etc.) with her if that helps. 

But tbh what helped me the most is moving 6 hours away, hahaha! 

Post # 15
Member
6963 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

View original reply
@gaiasphere12:  To me, this is only upsetting if you feel pressured to do something with her expectations. Having clear boundaries and enforcing them (and then not going back and forth with her about them) seems like an effective solution to me. It’s not like she’s showing up at your house, demanding to be let in. She’s wanting your attention and company, you say no, her feelings about that are her responsibility.

I know, for myself, that there could be a feeling of pressure that if you aren’t doing “something” it can be uncomfortable to say that you’re not doing anything and then for her to expect that that means you are free to get together. That means that you also enforce that you not having a bunch of stuff going on doesn’t equate to you being free to spend time with her.

I would just get clear, for myself, what I was willing to do (and what I was not willing to do) and stick with that and enforce it clearly and firmly and consistently. She may never change her approach; she may always be someone who asks for more from you than you’re willing to give. I think, though, that if you get more comfortable with the fact that her desire for connection will always be greater than yours but that you honor your own needs and boundaries, you won’t find her so irritating or offputting.

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