- 8 years ago
I’m agonizing over the decision of whether to stay with my bf or leave him and try to move on.
My bf and I met three years ago, were friends first, and have been dating for two years. He’s incredibly smart, handsome, kind, hard-working – basically everything I could ask for in a man. I’m completely in love with him and want nothing more than to spend my life with him. He’s 31, I’m 33, and we both want children. As the clock is ticking, I want to move forward this year to get married and get started with kids. Although my bf loves me very much, more than any girl in his past, he is not as ready for marriage as I am (and we’ve actively discussed it various times). He’s admitted to being scared and has expressed a range of concerns. These concerns have been wide-ranging, but they generally fall into categories of money concerns, wanted to achieve certain things in his career before having children, and worries that children and work will strain the marriage and “we” might not be successful. I should mention that I make significantly more than he does, but together our combined income is very high and he knows I don’t care how much he makes.
I told him a year ago how much I loved him and that I would like us to “make some decisions in the relationship” by the end of 2010 so that we could start thinking about trying for children by the end of 2011. I told him that it was safer and easier medically not to postpone children for too long, and he said he understood and would try to be ready to make a decision by the end of 2010. As of now, he still feels torn and undecided about whether moving forward with marriage/kids is the best thing for him.
When we talk about splitting up, we both cry all over ourselves and are miserable just with the thought. I’m afraid that if I leave him, I’ll never feel this way about someone else and will end up just going through the motions with another man, or worse, end up alone with no husband/kids.
I’m afraid that if I stay with him, these same fears will be plaguing him in a year, two years, maybe indefinitely while I grow increasingly impatient. What he’s trying to do in his career could take some years to see significant results, and there is a chance it might not ever happen. I’m afraid that by waiting for him to come around I’ll miss the chance to have children, and again end up alone with no husband/kids. Even if he does change his mind in several years, we might be stuck with just being able to have one child and I’d resent him for it in the long run.
I see a risk both in staying and in leaving. I would sincerely appreciate any words of advice and would like to hear what others have done in this position. Thanks in advance, Bees!