(Closed) Agonizing: keep waiting or move on?

posted 8 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
2547 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I would give him a bit more time. If you truly love him as much as you say, then why wouldn’t you wait. You aren’t so old that you must. have. children. now.

Ultimately it is up to you, and I feel your pain, but I really don;t think kicking him to the curb is your best bet. Especially if you want to marry this guy. Marriage is until death do you part, and that feeling, and those vows usually surface before the engagement.

Post # 4
Member
6892 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

I don’t get why you can’t be engaged/married/ttc while he does other things (career-wise) in his life. I just don’t get that excuse at all. Life goes on after marriage; you can still be successful. Yes, even with kids! Does he not realize that?

I wouldn’t leave; I’m not a fan of ultimatums. But I think he’s being blind to the facts I pointed out above. It’s really not fair (IMO) for you to have to wait around, potentially have issues getting pregnant, etc, because of career moves.

 

Post # 5
Member
3305 posts
Sugar bee

At your age, honestly I would move on but do that after you have a serious talk. I know you love him and he loves you but if he can not “make that leap of faith” for you, unfortunately you would be putting your life on hold for someone who doesn’t feel as strongly for you as you do for him.

Basically, I would tell him that you love and care about him but you are looking for something that he is unable to give you and unfortanately due to timing, you do not want to put that on hold until he is ready. Having children is very important to you and you only want to do that under a marriage. You both need to move on.

Either this will have him shape him up to get ready so that he doesn’t lose you or someone who has the same timeline as you will appear and you will be available for him.

Post # 6
Member
7052 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

Well, some guys honestly are never ready to commit.  I dated one once. 

If it were me, and I wanted a family, and knew what I wanted out of life and he was telling me actively he was not ready to marry, I’d probably plan a timeline as to what I’d do.

First I’d have the dreaded talk again, but not from a sad, or needy point, just informative and friendly.  I’d let him know what my life goals were, and ask him his.  No drama.  Just ask him.  Let him tell me everything.  

I’d let it sit a while. Maybe a month or so.  If no movement from him, or based on his honest response from the non-drama “talk”, then I’d make a movement of my own.

What I would do, is if after that arbitrary departure date of yours passes, I’d then write him a letter and break up with him in it.  I’d tell him you are going in different life directions and that you love him, but you want to have a family and be married.  I’d then go silent on him, focus on yourself, and just move on.  If your heart is open to him and he has a change of heart and realizes his life is better with you in it forever, he can try to change things maybe.  But you are NOT asking an ultimatum, you are doing what is best for your life, your choice.  The decision to go or stay is not based on what HE says, but on what is best for YOUR life.

This way it’s not an ultimatum.  It’s you making a decision.  And like the previous poster said, he can either after that catch up with you, or you will simply move on and find the right guy for you!  Win/Win either way.

Post # 7
Member
1267 posts
Bumble bee

@armychica06:

You wrote:

I know you love him and he loves you but if he can not “make that leap of faith” for you, unfortunately you would be putting your life on hold for someone who doesn’t feel as strongly for you as you do for him.

 

I can’t agree with that at all.  Just because he has reservations about marriage and isn’t yet at that point in his life where he knows he wants that doesn’t mean he doesn’t feel as strongly for her.  Wouldn’t it then mean that if she wasn’t willing to not make him do something he wasn’t ready for, then she doesn’t feel as strongly for him than he does her?

I’ve said this a few times before, but would you give the same advice above to a woman that wasn’t quite ready to have sex yet with her boyfriend?

 

OP – I think you simply need to decide if your desire for marriage and children is stronger to you than your desire for your man.  Tough decision, obviously, but I think that’s the soul searching you need to do.

Post # 8
Member
26 posts
Newbee

it really stinks that we ladies have so much less time than men in the biological clock category.

I don’t know your background really, but it sounds to me like he’s afraid of commitment but doesn’t want to lose you either. and thats not fair to you. i think you need to have a serious talk about the fact that he needs to either stop leading you on, or stop delaying your future together. maybe he just needs reassurance that though marriage and family is a big step, its not the end of the world 🙂

(also, this may not be at all what you want, but have you guys considered having a baby first and then getting married? i know thats not traditional, but some people do it)

good luck to you!!! *hugs*

Post # 9
Member
1314 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2016

I don’t think you should leave him. if you know that he’s the one and it breaks your heart to even think about leaving him, then don’t!!! 🙂 Give him some time and try different methods of talking to him. Try to emphasize different things, try to soothe him, etc. 

Post # 10
Member
7300 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

At your age I wouldn’t waste too much more time. If marriage and children are important to you then you need to ask yourself if you are okay with having children with this man without the marriage.  Both of your concerns are valid, but you can’t live in the what if. If we all did, we would never leave our houses because what if you get hit by a car while walking down the sidewalk? 

I think you should really get some alone time and figure out what is important to you. What can you compromise on and what will you not budge on. You do not want to waste your child bearing years waiting for him to make up his mind about marriage and his career. 

There are loads of women who don’t need a marriage and still have wonderful partners and children. You have to ask yourself if you would be okay with it. If deep down in your heart you want a marriage and children now, then you need to take control of your life and make it happen. If it’s with him then wonderful, if not then oh well. 

I wouldn’t threaten him though. You don’t want him to marry you because you threatened to leave. 

Post # 11
Member
3305 posts
Sugar bee

@luckyprincess:

Well I guess we will agree to disagree- I personally do not think that he feels AS strongly for her because he isn’t ready for that. It is fine if you don’t agree however the end result is he isn’t ready regardless of HOW little or much he feels which now puts the OP in a situation- is she willing to wait an undisclosed amount of time for him to get ready- or should she free herself so she is able to be available for someone who wants the same as her, feels the same for her (in regards to marriage) and IS ready.

If it were a guy, I would say the same as well… but I also am OK with premarital sex so maybe that is why I don’t see the big deal. If she isn’t ready or feels the same for him to engage in such actions, then why would he be wrong for leaving her to find someone that is? It just means they are on two different wave lenghts and not compatible and I would advise ANY person- man or woman, to find someone seeking the same things they are in a relationship be it sex to marriage.

 

And personally, my desire for marriage and children is stronger than any feeling I have for any man. I personally would not put my wants and needs on hold for anyone regardless of how much I loved them.

Post # 12
Member
2091 posts
Buzzing bee

The way I look at the “should I wait or should I move on” conficts: Do you want to wait for the man you love to commit, or would you rather leave him but risk not finding anyone?

You love the man you’re with, and want to spend your entire life with him. Would you rather wait 2-3 years in order to marry this man and have children, or do you want to risk not finding anyone for a long time? Because if you leave in order to find someone else to marry, it may not happen quickly. I know it sounds harsh, but this happened to my mom’s best friend. She was with her man 10 years, he wouldn’t commit, didn’t want to have kids before marriage though, so she left him to find someone who wanted to get married as well. She was 32 when she left, she thought if she found someone else she could be married and have kids by the time she was 35. It took her 7 years until she found the right man. By this time, she’s 39. Not old by any means, but it took another 2 years or so of trying before she got pregnant. So instead of waiting for guy #1 to be ready, which may have only taken a year or two, she waited 9 years for marriage and kids. 

Of course, her husband now is perfect for her and they’re extremely happy, so it did work out. I’m just saying, it’s hard to leave someone with the mindset of finding another to marry and have kids because you never know what will happen. This same type of situation may not happen for you; maybe you’d meet a great guy in 6 months. But the thing is, you never know. 

It’s up to you, ultimately. I think you need to sit down and have a long serious talk with your SO about your expectations. Try to get him to set a timeline of when he thinks he might be ready. I know others aren’t fans of timelines, but I think they’re a great tool to judge your relationship. 

Post # 13
Member
1267 posts
Bumble bee

@armychica06:

I guess that’s the thing I can’t understand at all.  You are in love with the idea of marriage more than the person you would actually be marrying, according to what you said there at the bottom.  To me it’s just so backwards to falling in love with a person and marrying them then falling in love with a realationship status and then finding someone to propose to you.  It just seems like you’ll be looking for someone that would do…

Post # 14
Member
1368 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

I would move on depending on the situation. If he’s just saying he needs a little more time and giving you his timeline that he’ll actually be ready for things, then you could wait. However, if he says he is not ready and doesn’t know when/if he’ll be ready, it’d be wise to move on (most likely he’ll be wasting your time in this scenario).

Post # 15
Member
3305 posts
Sugar bee

@luckyprincess: No- not at all. Marriage to me is the end goal of the relationship, I just am not the person that is going to wait 10 years for it. So speaking for myself personally, I was in love with someone and waited for marriage over 3 years- in that mean while he abused me, cheated on me and had a child with my “friend” and felt it was OK for him to do all of that because we weren’t married so there wasn’t a huge commitment he was breaking up. After that I said never again.

I guess I don’t understand the point of waiting, especially in a commited relationship. I do get waiting for things like finding a job, finishing education or getting more experience. I don’t get waiting when you are already living as husband and wife, merging accounts, taking out credit together and etc. It makes me very sad and angry for some women when I find out they are waiting for no good reason FOR YEARS.

So it isn’t being in love with the idea of marriage- or whatever you said. If a man is already getting all of this stuff or even HALF of it, then he needs to man up and stop stalling. People’s LIVES are on hold (such as baby making) because a man can’t figure out what he wants and it isn’t right/fair. If he isn’t ready, instead of wasting her time and valuable fertile years, he should let her go so she is AVAILABLE to find someone who is seeking the same as her and is ready. There are 6 BILLION people on Earth- and I personally have been in love a few times with people that were incompatible with me. I wasn’t going to stay and wait, hoping things would come together (after being in the relationship a fair amount of time). If I did that, then I wouldn’t have met my Fiance 3 years ago and I would probably not be engaged now. 

Post # 16
Member
667 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I’m with Cash000, I think you should give him a little bit longer and have a serious talk about how much getting married and having children mean to you. He may be having cold feet or something. Are there any marriages in his family or among his friends that ended in a bad divorce? He may be thinking of those divorces and is scared the same thing might happen to the two of you. Let him speak and really listen to what he is saying and observe the tone of his voice and body language as well. I think you will have your answer. Good luck, I hope it works out for you 🙂

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