(Closed) Agonizing: keep waiting or move on?

posted 10 years ago in Waiting
Post # 47
Member
2319 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

@Gingersnap: Would you rather wait 2-3 years in order to marry this man and have children, or do you want to risk not finding anyone for a long time?

It took her 7 years until she found the right man. By this time, she’s 39. So instead of waiting for guy #1 to be ready, which may have only taken a year or two, she waited 9 years for marriage and kids.

You are just assuming that either of these men would eventually be ready in a short time frame. No one can be sure of that. Not even the men in question. That is a HUGE risk for the OP to take thinking her man may be ready in 2 years. What if he is not? That is what he told her himself that he will decide by 2010 and he didn’t. How can she trust him with that kind of decision again?

I was in a relationship for over 10 years with same guy (H.S. sweet hearts.) Didn’t last. I went into another relationship. Didn’t work out. Abusive. Then again another one and by this time I was FED UP. I was not very marriage minded though I was getting old and did want kids. This man knew within a year that I was the one. We didn’t get engaged quickly but he knew it and he did it soon after. He shared his concerns with me and that is what helped me understand whether those were reasonable or not for me to contend with. The commodities that OP’s guy is talking about are just that: commodities. They will wreak havoc in your lives regardless of if you are married or not.

Post # 48
Member
37 posts
Newbee

I don’t get why you can’t be engaged/married/ttc while he does other things (career-wise) in his life. I just don’t get that excuse at all. Life goes on after marriage; you can still be successful. Yes, even with kids! Does he not realize that?

I wouldn’t leave; I’m not a fan of ultimatums. But I think he’s being blind to the facts I pointed out above. It’s really not fair (IMO) for you to have to wait around, potentially have issues getting pregnant, etc, because of career moves.

 

Amelia’s comment was worth reposting, because its’ so true.  I never understand why people can’t do 2 things at once.  Pregnancy lasts 9 months, for example.  A lot can be accomplished in just that time alone.  And life doesn’t stop because you get married.  If you both have even average incomes, you can raise a family and get married.  Kids and marriage aren’t expensive, lifestyles are.

Post # 49
Member
2319 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

View original reply
@wife_bris: “Kids and marriage aren’t expensive, lifestyles are.”

Agreed! I think society has put too much pressure on men on what married life should be like. Our culture as a whole looks down on marriage and jokes about it ALL the time. Many more than just the comments below are mainstream, whether it be in the media or just guys talking to each other:

– “Oh you’re getting married? Wow you can kiss your life goodbye!” 
– “One advice I can give you is to start saying ‘yes ma’am’ and the wife is always right, even when she is wrong.”
– “Nothing scares me anymore! I have a wife and kids! Take THAT!”
– “Why the hell would I ever get married? Ever seen someone WANT to go to prison?”
– “Gonna start asking for permission to go hang out with the boys” (Umm… it’s not ‘permission’. It’s called keeping your wife informed of your whereabouts and/or incase something were to happen to YOU.) But this also has such a negative connotation. Suddenly calling your wife from work to talk about going out with the boys turns you into an automatic ‘pussy’! (<– Note to self: I really should copyright that. Lol!)

Etc. etc. so on….

Aside from that, a lot of media attention focuses on how wives are basically godzillas in disguise and/or are PERFECT and men are lousy couch potatoes who can’t do sh*t-all!

Not to mention the society’s obssession with diamond rings (that is the one that caught my now Fiance as well. I didn’t care for a ring but HE did because according to him he is “supposed to”) WTF?! And I couldn’t shake that belief out of him.

And all this does take effect subconsiously on the minds. This is usually the crap guys get to witness. I am not surprised that most men are waiting longer and longer to marry.

But that does not mean there are no diamonds in the rough (no pun intended!) as you can see by the amount of ladies on here with wonderful men. For quite a few, these are their 2nd or 3rd or more chances. There is no saying that you can’t be blessed with that too. 

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