Post # 1
My finance is second generation Chinese and has lived most of his life in the Bay Area. We are doing a "fusion style" wedding, combining Western traditions and Chinese traditions. For example, we are having a tea ceremony but not serving the traditional banquet. I have been really open to involving as many Chinese traditions as possible and am very concerned about not offending or miffing either his family or mine. That said, I’m also a PhD candidate trying to write my dissertation, so I haven’t had a ton of time to research extensively Chinese wedding traditions (although I did read a lot about the tea ceremony and what different banquet foods symbolize so that we could include those foods when possible.) Other than that, I’ve depended on my fiance and my future mother-in-law, who lives nearby and with whom I have a good relationship, to help me through this process.
The problem is that two of our bridesmaids (out of 5) got pregnant during our long engagement. No one told me that this is bad luck, even though my mother-in-law knew that at least one of the bridesmaids was pregnant over a month ago. Yesterday she told my fiance on the phone that it was bad luck, but that she hadn’t said anything before because there was nothing that could be done about it at this point. (We are getting married in late August.) My fiance was really angry at his mom – for not telling us before we picked the bridesmaids (we see her about every 2 weeks), and then not telling us a month ago but deciding to tell us now. I also think he is really upset because he feels like maybe he should’ve known about the tradition himself or that his relatives with think that and think he’s not "Chinese enough." (Which is not unlikely; his grandpa has said something similar before and he is not marrying a Chinese woman.)
For my part, I just feel awful and don’t know what to do. I do think it is too late to change bridesmaids – and these women are my best friends. If I had known about the tradition beforehand I absolutely would not have had any pregnant bridesmaids – perhaps only my little sister. But at this point I don’t know how to best deal with the situation. In the last few hours I’ve read some of the posts about bad luck and pregnant women at weddings….and I certainly wouldn’t want anything to happen to the babies and would probably feel responsible (just by power of suggestion) if it did. But I really don’t know if I can stomach upending all of our plans at this point. My friends would be very angry and upset as well; when I found out they were pregnant I offered them an "out" and said I’d be fine if they didn’t want to be a bridesmaid and they insisted on doing it.
Please help. Is there anything I can do to make this situation at least a little more bearable for everyone involved?
Post # 3
I would apologize to your Father-In-Law for not keeping her traditions, but explain that it is too late to change your wedding party. Perhaps there is some kind of luck charm or jewel you could ask your bridesmaids to wear? Ask your Father-In-Law what would make her more at ease about things and make sure you worn your maids about the possible opposition to their involvement in the wedding.
Post # 4
i think unless you don’t have any pregnant BMs at your wedding, that in the future whatever goes wrong, they will probably point their finger back at this event. sounds stupid but i think that is what will happen.
while some tradition sometimes doesn’t make sense to us, trust me i am chinese so i can relate, but its very important to those in the older generation for us to respect their beliefs and for your Future Mother-In-Law to bring it up and nothing changes, it will probably most certainly make her very upset, is my guess.
i guess your choice is whether you want to keep the peace with your future in laws, or change this part of your wedding.
Post # 5
techinally it’s bad luck to have someone married in your wedding party… usually single people are suppose to be BMs for the chinese… but hey in this day and age, it doesn’t matter anymore… i have a married friend as a Bridesmaid or Best Man and told my mother, she was like…. well it’s bad luck but she knows how close i am to this friend so she said to heck with bad luck!
Post # 6
Hey, Good luck w/ your decision. My sister got preggers and my mom and grandma told me 3 weeks before the wedding that it was bad luck. She was my maid of honor, arleady bought the dress, and we could order the dress anymore. I had to find a friend to stand in for her that could fit her dress size! I totally understand, so I really hope that everything goes well for you!
Post # 7
This is really tough, as I can’t just tell you to not believe in that kinda stuff because everyone’s belief is different and I can’t force others to see things my way. I doubt that anything bad will happen to the babies, and if if that happens, it wouldn’t be because of your wedding (though they might to to point it in your direction). It is still important to respect their beliefs. If it’s absolutely too late to change BMs, and that it is really important to them, can you just do without BMs? I am not sure if that will open another can of worms. I hope everything works out for you. Good luck!
Post # 8
- Wedding: May 2008 - Zen Garden in the East Bay w/ reception in a floor-to-ceiling window Atrium with views of the Zen Garden
There are so many Chinese Traditions that is hard for you to know all or be blamed for not having prior knowledge. Sometimes it’s best not to know because it’s hard to accomodate all of it. One of my girlfriends was also married when I asked her to be my bridesmaids which like Raindrops said above, it’s meant to single people only. I understand being pregnant is a bad luck but not in the way that it will harm the baby in that superstition. More so it’s the superstition that both of you have great things, Double Happinesses happening at the same time that they don’t want it to butt heads.
The traditions go as far as to not allow new moms to attend weddings, although their husbands can, until after 3 months after baby was born. Or if they were newly married, they couldn’t attend someone’s wedding closely prior or 3 months after their wedding too. I asked one of my gfs who got married 2 weeks after us if she wanted us/or me to attend in case her family has strong Chinese traditions but she wanted me there.I respect and follow a lot of chinese traditions but I really think you will be okay. These are great things happening in each other’s lives and you girls are sharing it together. Better to check with your bridesmaids and talk to your Mother-In-Law out or respect and just see if things should be fine going as in.
Good luck! Sorry for the long ramble. =)
Post # 9
I have a similar situation and it’s horibble! Whatever you decide to do in this case is going to be painful for someone!
I had asked a dear cousin of mine (who is like a sister) to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man and she excitedly agreed. And even though she told me then that she was trying to get pregnant, I didn’t think much of it b/c I figured it would be a happy time for both of us. My parents kept nagging me about it and objected but never really said why. She recently told me she is now definitely pregnant and my parents started ragging on me NON-STOP!!! They kept insisting it was terrible luck and so I reluctantly agreed to replace her. She was so hurt b/c she was afraid that she’d get leers from others if she even came to my wedding! Needless to say, I’m upset b/c she’s upset! She didn’t deserve to feel that way. I wish I had never said anything and let her be happy and preggers in my upcoming wedding.
Post # 10
I agree with what cherryblossom had said. If you can not follow all the Chinese wedding custom and traditions, you should let it go and act in a natural manner as much as possible.