(Closed) AHHH! DH, his stupid control issues and unapologetic perception of his behavior

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
232 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I will come back later and reply cause I can’t seem tyep on my phone. Hugs!

Post # 4
Member
1949 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

@claireos:  I see a little bit of myself In your Darling Husband and a little bit of my Darling Husband in your Darling Husband. We sometimes have this problem (althoughTNT to your extent) while driving. Darling Husband is an agressive driver, and I’m a bit more reserved. When I drive, I drive my way. If he makes comments, I tell him that when he drives, he can choose reckless behavior but that when I’m driving, he needs to respect how I drive. 

My advice is that if asking your Darling Husband results in him feeling patronized, don’t ask. Do what you feel comfortable with. If that results in a scoff and eye roll, offer to get out of the car right there and let him drive. If he says no, tell him tht while you are in control of the car, you will make thedecisions. When he is in control, he can make the decisions. 

In this one example you gave us, I think you might bebending a little too much to avoid a certain behavior on his part. It’s almost like yo. Are walking on eggshells to avoid a tantrum. Yes, a tantrum. Your Darling Husband sounds a little childish. Who cares whatLeanne you are in at the interestion? Will it take more than 30 s differnice in getting to your destination? No. I think I a little dose of reality in him not getting his way all the time might be in order. That could be half the battle. If he’s used to just telling you how to do something and then occasionally you don’tdo it his way, he probably gets a little bent out of shape ( I’m guilty of this occassionally). 

Next time, instead ofare acting to his behaviour, as him to explain what the repulsion to waiting at a red light is? What’s the harm going to be? Is the wait really THAT much longerthan it would take to drive to the next intersection? 

Post # 5
Member
3580 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

That’s totally my husband. The problem is that I always forget how he likes things and then he reminds/nags me about it until my eyes glaze over. HE is the one who always expects an apology and I refuse because it’s just a trivial thing to apologize about. Ie, to not have drinks on the desk or to turn the bathroom heater off after we shower. For me, it’s like life is too fucking short to remember everything and in the grand scheme, when I look back at my life, I don’t care how I hang the towel, I’d rather have fit in some extra petting for my cat or emailed a friend. And sometimes I argue that he’s trying to change me as a person, since my habits are what make me ME. But it’s fruitless and probably not even true.

I have no advice, just wanted you to know that I totally understand!!

Post # 6
Member
1543 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Wow is he related to mine – for some reason he’s a very controlling driver or well backseat driver. He has light patterns memorized if he’s been there once so he knows which one will turn first and how long it will take. If your are atleast the third person in line at this light and speed up to 60 then you will make the next light otherwise you’ll miss it. Stuff i REALLY don’t care to even pay attention to at all.  The ONLY thing that has ever worked is to just do it the way i want without asking – let him huff and puff for a minute then say in a very calm voice. I have this under control its not a big deal how it gets done but it will or something along those lines. Without trying to explain why i did something a certain way or trying to defend myself in any way …One time I made a wrong turn and had to do a uturn on some strange road- he’s freaking out trying to tell me what to do to get back on the right road – getting mad that i missed the turn and in general just feels the need to control the situation. For some reason that time i just stayed calm and just said. It was a simple mistake you don’t need to worry about it i’ve got it under control. To my absolute shock a few minutes later he actually appologized for getting mad. and he said that me staying calm like that made him feel bad for getting angry. 

Post # 7
Member
11233 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

Sounds like my ex. He was controlling and abusive, which I didn’t know at first, and took me a while to realize and come to terms with. I wasted three years with him. Sorry but, your husband sounds like an asshole. I kicked mine to the curb and am so much happier now that I don’t have to walk on eggshells every damn day.

Post # 8
Member
1894 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Like @WillyNilly, I don’t have any advice, but I know what you’re dealing with!! My Darling Husband is the same way (mostly about cleaning). It was really annoying when we first moved in together… he would comment on what seemed like the most trivial things saying I was “doing them wrong”. He always says that he’s “teaching me a more efficient way, and that he would always be receptive to criticism if I knew a more efficient way to do something”. One that I can remember is that when I wash dishes, I leave the water running, and Darling Husband does not. Are either or us wrong? Well I suppose his way is more water-saving, but both ways get the dishes clean. I had to explain to him over and over and over that the outcome is the same, and while he thinks his way is right, that doesn’t mean that my way is wrong. I chose to fight that tiny battle, and I think it helped. (He never comments on my dish washing process anymore) I’ll never know if just doing it his way would have been better, but I think explaining it to him on a number of occassions helped him understand that we both came into our relationship with our own ways of doing things, and as long as the end product is the same, it’s ok if we do them differently. He will still comment on little things, and sometimes I try to appease him, but mostly I just listen and still do it my way because I’m not wrong and my opinions deserve the same respect as his. 

 

Post # 9
Member
3580 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@ruby26:  I totally snorted at the ‘I listen but still do it my way’. I am so guilty of that.

Post # 10
Member
4803 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@WillyNilly:  My husband can be like this too – it’s not as nitpicky as the OP’s husband, like the dish must be washed a certain way, but my examples are so similar to yours it’s almost weird – it drives him nuts when I leave pop cans out, especially by the computer, leave the fan on in the shower, don’t properly screw the lid back on the peanut butter, etc. His criticisms of these things have died down because we are at the point where if he begins to nag or lecture, I have a look I shoot at him where he realized he’s about to set me off on a giant spiel about how I worked really hard all day and do my fair share of the cleaning, and I’m not going to be lectured like a child every time I forget to flip a switch of leave a pop can out – they’re little things, I’m aware that they bug him and I usually try, but when it happens I don’t want a lecture. He hates these spiels and tends to back off as soon as I shoot him the look warning him it’s coming, haha. Although at this point we’re pretty used to eachother’s little quirks and I don’t think it really bothers him or that he thinks about it much anymore.

 

But OP, your husband sounds much worse than this in that he is particular about so many things and gets angry when they’re not right. And the fact that you trying to bend to his every whim makes him accuse you of being patronizing is just ridiculous. I’m having trouble even giving advice on what I would do in this situation. Does he do this to other people, or is it just you? I wonder how it would go over if he was in the car with one of his parents and started criticizing them like this. I’d like to suggest counseling, though it doesn’t sound like he’d agree to that from what you’ve told us about his personality – although at this point I think I’d be demanding it if I were you, it sounds like when you try to have a reasonable discussion about it he just shuts down on you and gets very defensive. I think I would actually try the opposite – NOT talking about it. If he starts in on the way you’re doing or did something, simply say, “I’m the one driving/washing the dishes/whatever, so it’s being done my way, and I’m not going to argue about it with you.” If he starts in about why that’s stupid because his way is better, stop him again and say, “Obviously you like your way better, so it’s fine if you do it your way. But right now I’m the one driving/washing dishes/whatever and I’m not discussing this with you.”

 

At some point if that leads to a real conversation (which I’d advise telling him you’ll do later when you’re both calm, not then in the heat of the moment), I’d lead it with the disclaimer that you need him to truly hear you out about how you feel, and you’re not saying any of this to be patronizing or because you think his way of doign things is wrong, but because clearly you two aren’t communicating effectively if he feels ganged up on and you feel unsupported, constantly criticized, and like you have to change the way you do so many things to make him happy. Ask him how you can make him feel less patronized or ganged up on, and when he tell you, I’d ask him to help you figure out how you can let him know his criticisms and constant suggestions are hurting and making it feel like you’re not good enough without making him feel patronized. And if he does get upset or start bashing you and not listening, I’d leave the room and say you’re not talking about it right now, and then I’d insist on the therapist. Because you’re seriously going to wind up resenting him if this behavior continues.

Post # 11
Member
3580 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@Wonderstruck:  You need to teach a YouTube class on this ‘look’ of yours…

Post # 12
Member
46590 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I fail to understand why an adult woman would need or take direction about trivial things in life such as how to fold a towel, whether to stop at a red light etc. The longer you put  up with this controlling behavior, the worse it will get. You are not a child. You need to be treated as an adult with equal status in any decision making.

There is no way I would put up with this or the petulant behavior when you try to dicuss it.

Time to have a calm rational discussion and put him on notice that from now on, you will do things your way. If he doesn’t like it, he is welcome to change it to meet his standards without commenting. When you drive, you make the decisions with no front seat driving from him. When he is driving, he is welcome to drive all over the city to avoid any red lights without any feedback from you.

The two of you need to on the same page re how to treat each other respectfully.This current situation would be a terrible example for your children or any future children, if you plan to have any.

Post # 13
Member
900 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

@julies1949:  +1

 

i wouldn’t have even gone on a second date with someone so intent on destroying everything about me, and unwilling to recognize that things can be done in more than 1 way.

But OP, you are married now, so I would suggest couple’s counseling. I wouldn’t be able to have a happy marriage under those circumstances. 

Post # 14
Member
611 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@julies1949:  “I fail to understand why an adult woman would need or take direction about trivial things in life such as how to fold a towel, whether to stop at a red light etc. The longer you put  up with this controlling behavior, the worse it will get. You are not a child. You need to be treated as an adult with equal status in any decision making.”

Time to have a calm rational discussion and put him on notice that from now on, you will do things your way. If he doesn’t like it, he is welcome to change it to meet his standards without commenting. When you drive, you make the decisions with no front seat driving from him. When he is driving, he is welcome to drive all over the city to avoid any red lights without any feedback from you.”

Agree with all of this 100%. From what you posted, it sounds like your attempts to accommodate him have not only not helped you gain balance in the situation, but it’s actually somehow backfired since he’s decided you are just patronizing him. I agree that it might be time to take the opposite approach.

Post # 16
Member
611 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@claireos:  Yikes, girl. Counseling?

The topic ‘AHHH! DH, his stupid control issues and unapologetic perception of his behavior’ is closed to new replies.

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