(Closed) AHHHH! Seriously!

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1048 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

if you’re sure she’s just saying what she needs to say(i know plenty of people like that) to get what she wants then i say stick to your guns and don’t have her in the wedding.

tell her she’s practically an adult and she needs to start taking some responsibility for her actions.

Post # 4
Member
926 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Eeek.  I don’t know if this is the right answer or not, but she’s likely already feeling bad about herself for getting back with the dude, any judgement from you is going to make it worse and bring out the worst in her.  She’s a teenager, with a stressful relationship, and an unstructured home life- this is a trifecta for her using her manipulation to get the love and acceptance she’s craving.  Even if it’s not genuine.  This also explains her lack of contact- if she thinks you’re going to be judging her, it’s easier to avoid, avoid, avoid. 

Also, she’s 17, so she’s likely in a place where she’s testing her power and isn’t really interested in being told what choices to make.  It sounds like you want her to support your marriage, but you’re not supporting her relationship.  The fact that yours is a healthy one and hers is not is kind of irrelevant.  She’ll have to make her own mistakes to be able to see the difference in a positive relationship and a negative one.

If I were you, I’d have a sit down with her and tell her you miss her and the relationship you two used to have.  I’d tell her you were wrong for judging her choices, and as an aunt/friend/sister, you’d really like to support her and be there for her as much as you can. You could say her choices make you sad for her, but I’d stay away from the “disappointing,” angle.  Then, I’d tell her that you’d in fact very much like for her to be a part of your wedding, but given the negative turn your relationship has taken, it’s hard for you to get on board with that.  Ask her if she thinks you two could work out some boundaries that would allow you to support eachother, and if you can agree on something, find a place for her in your wedding.

She’s already being rejected by this dude, and from what it sounds like, your brother- she doesn’t need coddling, but she doesn’t need any more judgement either.  

 

Source: I was that kid. 

Post # 6
Member
926 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@ShutterbugCait:  By “getting through,” what do you mean?  Is the end goal of these talks to get her to make better decisions, or to treat you better?  If it’s the former, you may well have to back off and regain her trust as a confidante.  You can’ change her decisions, no matter how many times you tell her you’ve been there- it puts you dangerously close to “mother,” territory.  Especially if you’ve ever used the “P,” word- Potential.  I got it all the time- “but you have SO MUCH POTENTIAL!!”  All that ever said to me was “You’re not that awesome now, but you will be if you make the decisions I’m recommending”

If it’s the latter and she still treats you this way, then she’s just being a brat and doesn’t deserve to have you stressing over her.  Sometimes people treat those closest to them poorly because they think they’re the only ones who won’t abandon them when they let out all of their anger and frustration.

I guess I see two separate issues here, but in either case, if you’ve really tried to talk to her as an equal then she’ll have to learn the hard way that she can’t treat the people who love her with such hate and disrespect.  

I’m sorry you’re going through this, I know it’s hurtful.  I hope it gets resolved for you soon.   As for the rest of your family’s judgement, I hope they back off of you and understand that you’re just trying to get this girl to respect you as a human being and a family member. 

 

Edit:  Just saw your last part, I’m sorry if I made an assumption about comparing- I didn’t mean that you said that to her outright.  I was just using it as a comparison that you’re wanting her support, but your support of her is conditional.  It’s ok that it’s conditional, but you might lose her over that. 🙁  

Post # 7
Member
1828 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

This sounds like my 17 year old daughter…just add a few more problems in and it would be! There’s nothing that you can say to a teen honestly when they are in this mindset. All you can do is back off and wait a few years until they are through it. I can understand you not supporting an abusive relationship…I won’t support my daughter’s either. I do tell her she deserves better than that and just wait…wait…does the waiting ever end?! Telling them you’re disappointed is just asking for trouble too.

I would just tell her you love her but your wedding is a day were you need everyone to be there to support you and you don’t believe that it would be the best for either of you atm. There is a year and half until your wedding so that leaves more than enough time to change your mind if she does grow out of this. As for your family’s involvement, you need to take a stand now and tell them that your wedding will be how you plan it and answer any questions from now on with the standard…We haven’t decided that yet. It does work!

Post # 10
Member
242 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

There isn’t much reasoning you can do with a 17 year old.  Is she planning to go away to college?  Distance might be the thing that saves her…

Post # 11
Member
926 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@ShutterbugCait:  And that’s a fair and healthy position to be in.  I don’t blame you one bit for  not supporting that.  But it does put you at a crossroads- if you can separate her from her relationship and choices, then you might be able to save something with her. 

If you can’t, and i wouldn’t be able to, then as another poster said, you’ll probably have to wait for her to come around and realize what she’s doing to herself.  It sucks, but there is a year and a half until your wedding… she might make the turnaround before then.  

Post # 15
Member
368 posts
Helper bee

“She broke up from him for the tenth time and I told her I was proud of her and it was the right thing. 2 days later she was back with him. I told her I was disappointed in her choice and she comes back at me with your kids were a mistake, your life sucks and so forth. Incredibly hurtful and I cannot count how many times she has made me cry. I never throw things back at her, I try to remain positive and just tell her I love her and want her to make better choices. This happens every time I question her choices, it’s never rational, it’s hurtful.”

OP, sorry, but it sounds to me like she is only mean and hurtful when you say things that are judgmental and critical of her choices (even though you are right that his behavior is unacceptable). She SHOULD know that you are doing this out of love, but she’s a 17-year-old girl, and many of them don’t understand how that works – they think unconditional love means never questioning someone’s actions. (Source – working with middle & high school students. I love them dearly, but they are immature and get offended when their dumb choices are called into question.)

She’s made it clear that she views criticism of her decisions as a personal attack and finds it offensive, which is why she responds by lashing out at you and saying hurtful things. I don’t think she’s trying to be manipulative; she is just a kid who doesn’t know how to deal with hearing the truth from someone else, so she gets mad and tries to cover it up by criticizing YOU. It hurts to be told someone is disappointed in you, even if they’re right, and she is probably as frustrated with your criticism as you are with her dumb decisions.

What you see as loving, good-intentioned honesty, she sees as meanness, because she’s a teenager and hasn’t figured out yet that you know what you’re talking about and truly have her best interests at heart. Clearly, the more you criticize her relationship, the bigger a strain it ends up putting on your relationship with your niece. I suspect that if you keep your judgment to yourself, she will have fewer outbursts at you.

I think that if you want to have her in the wedding, then you would need to treat the wedding and her relationship as separate issues and keep your disappointment to yourself. If you are unable to set your disappointment in her choices aside – and that would be understandable, because you just want what’s best for her and are sick of seeing her hurt herself – then I think you are making the right choice by not having her in the wedding. You can explain to her that you’ve found it hard to maintain your relationship lately, and you simply can’t handle that added stress on your wedding day. Keep in mind that she’ll probably want to bring him to the wedding, and that you are NOT obligated to accept someone who treats her like shit, even if she loves him.

I hope she someday realizes how much you love her and how right you are about her decisions. She’s lucky to have someone like you in her family, even if she can’t see it right now.

Post # 16
Member
3626 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

It sounds like she’s never held accountable for her actions. Maybe you can explain to her why she cannot treat you the way she has and then expect to be invited to your wedding.

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