(Closed) AHHHHHHHHH!!! I think I’m completely overwhelmed :o(. Long post…

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
1361 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I don’t have advice about everything you said, but I have to say something about the stepkids.  Yes, they have a biological mom, but they don’t know her, and YOU will be the only mother they know.  You NEED to step in and get attached and act like their mom because they need a stable home life and parents who love them.  Especially because they’re so young, you need stop thinking of them as your step kids and start thinking of them as your kids.


Post # 5
692 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

WOW. You have a lot going on.

Multiple stress sources in your life all at once. I’ll talk about the kids.

I know so many people who view their stepmom or stepdad as their real “mom”/”dad”. Think of Bees who have chosen their stepdad to walk them down the isle instead of their dad? His kids are still young enough for you to raise and for them to acknowledge you as mom. They probably won’t call you mom right away, but it might come later.

I really suggest you guys read a book on parenting together. Not because you’re stupid, but because it might make you feel more prepared and at ease. No matter how planned a pregnancy is, nobody is ever 100% ready and prepared for all that parenting brings, so please don’t psych yourself out thinking about how new this is. Take it one day at a time, and you’ll see that in a few months, you will start seeing more than just a couple awkwardly welcoming 2 new kids…you’ll start seeing your very own little FAMILY. You’ll start falling in more and more in love with your hubby, you’ll start truly loving those kids as if they were your own. Those motherly instincts are engrained in who you are, and they will rise to the occasion! I think you’ll surprise yourself. Just wait and see.YOU CAN DO THIS!

Also, think of how much you love your Fiance. You are obviously IN LOVE with him since you’re choosing to spend the rest of your lives together. Think of all the wonderful qualities your Fiance has, and the things he does/says that melt your heart. All the good and beautiful inside of your Fiance, makes up a piece of who those little ones are. They are pure, in need of so much love, in search of feeling secure and FINALLY STABLE! It doesn’t matter if their mom is unfit or crazy.

Post # 7
692 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

@JJsGirl_09:  Good! I’m glad : ) You have so many things to worry and stress about, no wonder you’re overwhelmed. But really, just tackle each one as they come in somewhat chronological order. Don’t drive yourself nuts with all of it at once, wait for them to come and handle it.

Also, think of the good, and get excited about those things! Even if they are small! Being excited about little things will help ease any anxiety.



Good luck!! <3

Post # 8
11356 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

HUGS!! Wow. You DO have QUITE a lot going on in your life, and you’re pretty young, too, so, I would say much of what you’re feeling is very normal.

I am much older than you are; however, I’ve gone through a lot of what you’re currently facing. I don’t know if my words will be helpful or not, but I will be happy to share my experience with you.

I was in an LDR (my then-FI/now-DH lived in another state, several hours from me), and he, too, was a single dad. He has four kids, though two are adults, and two were young tweens/teens at the time of our marriage. They’re both teenagers now, and they live with us 50 percent of the time.

My wedding planning was complicated not only by the fact that Darling Husband lived in another state, but also because our venue was 1.5 hours from me. That’s certainly much closer than CA and TX; however, I had to make a three-hour round trip (plus the time to actually have a meeting) every time I needed to meet with some of my vendors. 

Once Darling Husband and I were married, I also faced the incredible stress that you will face in leaving your current life behind to move to another state. Taking on a whole new set of realities immediately after planning a big, elaborate wedding, working full time, trying to sell and buy houses, becoming a wife and stepmother, and, in my case, also a pastor’s wife, was completely overwhelming. I even had to commute between my old and new “worlds” each week for almost the first year of our marriage until I could finally sell my house and resign from my position at work to relocate to be with Darling Husband and the kids full time.

I felt as if I had walked into the middle of a tornado. Suddenly, I had no control over almost anything in my life (vs. having had a great deal of control all of the years that I was single and living on my own.) It’s a huge change to have so many other people in your personal space and also having your time, schedule, and priorities essentially become dependent on the lives of so many other people. I cried a LOT for the first 18 months of my marriage. It was incredibly difficult. I would say that taking on the role of stepmother, even to the wonderful kids I have, was probably among the most stressful changes.

I am very blessed that my stepchildren’s mother and I get along extremely well. That is very helpful, since our children spend half of their time at her house and the other half at DH’s and mine. My kids definitely do not consider me their mother, because they already have a wonderful mom who is very involved in their lives. However, they do consider me to be a loving authority figure in their lives, and they know that I consider them to be my kids. Darling Husband has the ultimate authority over them at our house, of course, since he is their father. However, he certainly has reinforced my role as a parental figure in their lives.

Your stepchildren are much younger than mine, and it sounds as if you will fulfill the role of primary female caretaker in their lives. Don’t be afraid to fall in love with them, and to allow them to fall in love with you. Also, as long as their visits with their mother are safe and emotionally healthy for them, don’t be afraid to encourage them to have the best relationship possible with their mother and to love their mother.  They will only love you all the more for that some day. One of the reasons my adult stepdaugther is able to love me so much, I think, is that she knows that I show love to and respect for her mother.

I wish you the best! Please let me know if you ever want to discuss this more. I would be happy to try to help!

ETA:  In the midst of my writing such a long post (and getting some laundry started in between), I realized that I forgot to ask you what you meant about your Fiance “having an accident” that required your forgiveness and resulted in him telling you it would never happen again. Are you speaking of him having become involved with another woman since you’ve been in a committed relationship/engaged?

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