Post # 1
My problem is similar to Melanie’s. My biological Dad left us when I was 9 and moved away and I was raised by my Mom with some help from my grandparents who were a big part of my childhood. My Dad has shown no interest in my wedding and has not contacted me at all since I mentioned it to him some months back. He has known about my engagement of 3 years since from the start.
My Mom is married to a decent guy who is good to her and my younger sister (who shares both parents as me) but I am not that close to him as I have moved away since college and lived in another country as them for going on 8 years (of their 12 year long marriage). My Grandparents offered a very generous gift of paying for the dinner portion of our wedding and I always considred my granddad to be my father figure and thought that he would walk me down the aisle. However, he has declined to do it because he feels my step-dad should be my Dad by now. My mother (who is wonderful and has been helping so much with costs and planning) likes the idea of her husband walking me down the aisle and thinks he should do it as well.
I feel like they have decided for me and neither my step-Dad or myself have been given a choice. I’m sure he would be very pleased if I asked him as he has an isecurity about me still being in contact with my bilogical Dad (my sister isn’t). I don’t want to offend my mother or her husband who I have no issue with but I would feel a little awkward with this arrangement and am feeling a little upset over the whole thing.
What do you advise?
a) Suck it up and let my stepdad walk me down the aisle a
b) insist my gandfather do it (and risk offending my mother)
c) walk by myself
Post # 3
Even though we have similar situations, it’s always so much easier to offer advice to someone else rather than to myself. If it was me, in this instance I would go it alone – or walk halfway down to where your fi is waiting and walk the other half together to symbolize the entering into marriage together, as a team. I feel like it is a sacred act to "give someone away", therefore reserved for someone special. My plan since I was little was to have my grandfather give me away, but he died a few years ago. If yours has already declined and you know it would hurt your mom, then don’t settle for a "consolation walk" from your mother’s husband. I would make sure though, that he understands why you go it alone, if you so choose.
Another very common thing I have seen is for your mom to give you away. There’s no law saying it has to be a man. I’ve watched this at a few weddings and it looked lovely.
Good luck though, trust me I know how much this sucks and what a toll this kind of drama takes on a person. Just remember to take deep slow breaths, and it’ll be okay.
Post # 4
Go halfsies if you really genuinely would like to let your stepdad participate. Let him walk you half way, and then let Grandpa finish and give your hand to your fiance. I’ve heard of other brides who have close relationships w/ bio-dads and step-dads do this. My own dad even suggested I let my hanai dad ("adoptive dad" – not related, but is like a dad figure) walk me part way. I didn’t do it, but I thought it was cute he offered the idea.
Otherwise, I’d go b or c. It’s your day, and you should feel happy w/ the decision. It’s very emotional to walk down the aisle, and you should share it with someone special to you.
Post # 5
You really need to go with your gut on this one. It’s such a personal and emotional choice. My father died when I was a kid. I love my grandfathers and my stepdad and of course my mom. I have lots of choices for who to walk with me but for me I am choosing to do it alone. In a way this is walking with my dad and it is acknowledging him for me. It’s what I need to do. I’ve told my mom about it and discussed it openly and honestly and she’s completely on board. Again, just like everything touchy it’s all in how you handle it. If you’re open about your feelings with the affected parties they would have to be somewhat selfish and mean to be angry with you. But if you don’t include them in your decision making and get all indignant about it then they have every right to be offended. Good luck! I know this is a hard one. You can do it!!
Post # 6
This is YOUR day and you should have what you want, I say have grandpa walk you down the isle. Tell you mom that just because she married a man and he has been a good guy does not make him your dad, or your best friend. I think you should mention that you know, you havne’t gotten to know him like your sisters – I’m sure one of them will allow him the honor at their wedding.
You should get what you want, take my line that my maid of honor told me "TOUGH this is my daya nd I’ll do it the way I want to, if you don’t like it, you deal with it"
It might be hard, but in the long run you don’t want to look bad a regreat the decision you made, go with your heart!
Post # 7
maverika, that is beautiful. honestly i teared up when you said that wakling alone is walking with your father.
pinky, have a good honest talk with your mother. and don’t be too ‘this is MY day’ with her, or she won’t take you seriously. tell her what’s in your heart and maybe if you convince her she’ll help you with your grandfather and stepdad.
the other girls are right, this is a very special honor and should be earned.
Post # 8
Thanks everyone! It helps to hear your advice. I will have to have a talk with my Mom I guess there’s no avoiding it =)
Post # 9
You need to do what makes YOU happy. 🙂 it is YOUR day