AITA for not wanting to travel this Thanksgiving?

posted 1 month ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
781 posts
Busy bee

I am fully team “super pregnant women get to do whatever the F they want to do, or don’t want to do.”  When I was 37 weeks pregnant w my daughter, and 35 weeks pregnant with my twins, I traveled 2+ hours to attend an NBA game.

I would not have traveled 2 hours to see my in-laws, holiday or no holiday, and would not have given any shits if people cared.  

You are not the asshole. 

Post # 3
Member
1535 posts
Bumble bee

Not unreasonable at all.  The fact is, 8 1/2 months pregnant is carrying a fully formed human inside you.  Try asking him how he would feel if he was doing that, would he be up for traveling and leaving a place of comfort?  Pregnant people do things…earlier in the pregnancy.  Many people 8 1/2 months pregnant ARE wanting to stay at home and do nothing but relax.  And most people at that stage of pregnancy want to be within about an hour’s radius of home (or the hospital they’ll be having their baby at).  2 hours away at that stage is probably going to be discouraged by your doctor anyway, even if you did want to go.

If you were REALLY generous, you would invite them to visit you instead, which would take the traveling part out of the equation.  But I’m not suggesting you do.  The work required in entertaining is a lot.

And another elephant in the room hasn’t even been mentioned: COVID.  It’s not really safe to be having these holiday gatherings indoors.

I commend you for telling your husband to go if he wanted to.  It isn’t fair to try to hold him back because you didn’t want to go.

It’s your father in law that’s being unreasonable, not you.

Post # 4
Member
3662 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017 - City, State

NTA. You don’t have to be pregnant to not feeling like spending Thanksgiving with them, either. You guys are free to do what you want as a family for the holidays and no one else is owed your presence. Don’t feel bad and make sure DH makes it clear to his parents that you guys will not be coming and that you have both decided on that together.

Post # 6
Member
6540 posts
Bee Keeper

NTA. I’m not even pregnant and I’m turning down things that I’m uncomfortable with because…pandemic.  And I’m not pregnant.

So if you’re waiting to hear that it’s ok to say no here it is.  It’s ok to say no. 

They are really pushing in on your boundaries and that’s not ok. Even if there was no pandemic and you didn’t want to travel at 8.5 months pregnant that’s still ok. 

They are being unreasonable to expect that and it’s 100% ok to skip out this year.  

Post # 7
Member
13813 posts
Honey Beekeeper

If Covid was not an issue, and assuming no risk factors, two hours by car is doable, but I would not want to be any further from home than that just in case. It was entirely reasonable to base your decision on how you felt closer to the time and your in laws should have accepted that and stopped pressuring you. Not wanting to be stressed out by them is reason enough to stay home. That said I felt fine around that time with each of my pregnancies. 

In your place Covid would be the true dealbreaker, though, especially with this family’s travel and the multiple households. It wouldn’t be happening.

Post # 8
Member
828 posts
Busy bee

 NTA, it’s very unreasonable of anyone to expect someone to travel or visit during a pandemic, esp when pregnant.

‘No’ is all you ever have to say to anyone if you don’t want to go somewhere.

There’s no point soft soaping them, making excuses or trying to reason with them. This just gives them ground to keep pushing.  

Let them see now, before the baby arrives that you don’t feel obligated to visit any of them. Otherwise they’ll be demanding all kinds of visits when the baby is born. Get the boundaries firmly in place.

 

 

Post # 9
Member
1955 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2020

FiL is an asshole. When was the last time he was 8.5 months pregnant during a global pandemic? Pregnant women do stuff… but within reason. What a complete ass

Post # 10
Member
9971 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

NTA. You are pregnant and there is still a pandemic going on. Studies have shown that pregnant women are at a higher risk of catching covid and having more severe outcomes. Of course, all these studies and research are in the nascent stages, but still, it’s concerning. 

We decided not to travel for Thanksgiving because our travel plans would have involved airports, exposure to people who are exposed daily, and being around high risk people (infants/toddlers/elderly/immunocompromised). I’m also trying to get pregnant and if the stars aligned, I would have been really uncomfortable traveling. All of this to say – you and your husband make the decision for your family. Not your Father-In-Law. All you can do express to him that you understand he doesn’t agree and you understand his disappointment but that it doesn’t change your plans for this year. 

Post # 11
Member
1162 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 1996

Personally, I think that under all the circumstances described, you would be 100% crazy to go!

Others who have assholish tendencies had better get used to the fact that you and your husband are now at the center of your own family, and the two of you will act as you see fit for your family.

Stick to your guns.  If they don’t like it, and especially if they verbalize that they don’t like it, that just shows how selfish they are.

Post # 12
Member
10651 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

View original reply
@hwbee1031:  

What everyone said. And Father-In-Law is an asshole for his crass comment, as a pp said, when was the last time he was 8.5 months pregnant ?!
Not wanting to be too far from your birth hospital, not wanting to travel at all and , mostly, not wanting to engage in Covid unsafe practices are more than enough reasons. 
l would say no firmly now, not that you will make a last minute decision , but no now. I wouldn’t want my husband to be too far from me either, but that’s a slightly different issue and you may feel ok about that . 
No, OP, don’t go and don’t feel bad about saying not going  either. 

Post # 13
Member
2731 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2019

Not at all the asshole! Like you, I’ve had a pregnancy that’s pretty easy physically…even at 34 weeks, I’ve managed to escape things like back pain, pelvic pain, heartburn, etc. so far. I drove 4 hours to visit my parents just past 32 weeks and OUCH. It’s doable, but I had to stop every 60 minutes to pee and stretch, and I had to keep the seat warmer on because my back hurt from sitting upright so long. We’re going back to see them this weekend, and I’m hoping to go one last time at 36 weeks if I’m up for it, but even the easiest pregnancy really slaps you in the face towards the end in a way that I just couldn’t envision even a few short weeks ago. The only reason I’m even attempting one last drive is to see my beloved grandma (staying with my parents, then she’ll fly back home)…I’d never inconvenience myself/my back for extended family and overcooked turkey! 

Post # 14
Member
2256 posts
Buzzing bee

They didn’t accept that, so I ended up telling them “okay, but I may change my mind later”.

It’s not up to them to “accept” a grown woman’s decision.  Don’t back down.  These people suck.

Post # 15
Member
4406 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I don’t think you’re at all the asshole, nor do I think you should go if you don’t want to. 

However, I do think “I’ll go unless I change my mjnd” opens you up to people then wanting to know if you changed your mind. Unless I’m missing something you haven’t told them you aren’t going, so maybe you need to just say you’ve decided and it’s not up for discussion anymore.

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