Post # 1
Member
1 posts
Wannabee
Hi all, I am new here, and let me get things straight, probably, according to the US moderate alcohol consumption recommendation I am considered an alcoholic, and so believe me I have no issues with social drinkers. When I drink I am responsible and when once in a while I over do it (maybe 2/3 times a year), I hate it.
My issue is that my 38 year old fiancé drinks way much more than me. He has no control. He embarrassed me so many times. I have stories that I am too embarrassed to share. But the worst part is that sometimes he drinks and drives. He puts his life, my life and others in danger. He doesn’t drink everyday, but he drinks at least 3 times a week. Sometimes he has 1-3 beer bottles (I am ok with that) but sometimes he drinks 15 bottles or more. Sometimes he drinks hard liquor as well. Most of the times he drinks with friends but sometimes he drinks alone. I think he is a real alcoholic but he doesn’t want to admit it. Most of the time he can still go to work the following morning but we do miss fun activities because of his hangovers. So after telling him million times that I am unhappy I decided to put our wedding on hold. I am not sending any save the date. Of course he is really mad at me. Now he seems that he is willing to make a change. But should I trust him? Does he have to quit completely? Could someone like him become responsible when drinking? Could I have a family with him? I am afraid that he will quit for few months and than he starts drinking again. I am even worried that he will ruin our wedding day. He also smokes and I hate it.
I am willing to quit drinking altogether if that helps him.
Post # 3
Member
323 posts
Helper bee
I can relate to your situation based on personal experience. My first marriage, many years ago, was to a man who was an alcoholic. I knew that when I married him, but chose to deny it. I knew I was making a HUGE mistake on my wedding day, but went ahead with it anyway because I was too embarrassed to call it off. He binge drank on a regular basis (stumbling, puking, incoherent drunk), and made my life a living hell. He worked sporadically at minimum wage jobs, and attempted college classes for a brief period of time, but ended up dropping out without telling me. He spent his days in bars getting drunk while I was at work. As much as I tried, I couldn’t change him, but I could change my own situation. After 2 years of marriage I decided that he was never going to be able to provide me with the commitment and partnership that I needed and deserved, and we divorced. I’ve never looked back, and 2 years later married the wonderful man I’m still with 30 years later. I wish you the best, and hope you are able to make the right decision for yourself.
Post # 4
Member
7638 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
@bigbee: Whatever you do, never ever let him drive you after he’s been drinking. Even if it means getting a taxi or a lift with a friend. The “no drink driving” rule has to be not negotiable. I’d even consider calling the police on him if he goes out driving drunk. Too many people have lost good friends to drink drivers.
As for the relationship, personally I would leave. Smoking and binge drinking would both be deal breakers for me, and the fact that he’s 38 means the habits are ingrained.
Post # 5
Member
2521 posts
Sugar bee
Please, please, please take away his keys when he drinks. Don’t ride with him. Call the police if he doesn’t give his keys up because there is no excuse for endangering other people’s lives.
Post # 6
Member
2543 posts
Sugar bee
I think this is a situation where you are the only one who really knows the answer to this. Should you leave? Well, you should. But that really depends on what you are willing to give up. I think you both should quit drinking and even go to AA meetings. It’s possible for him to quit drinking, but he has to want to. Some people can quit drinking even when they don’t want to, just because they have to, and then being clean makes them realize that life is a lot better when you’re clean. But that’s not everybody. That’s why I say you have to try first and if it doesn’t work, then you leave. There are so many possibilities for overcoming obstacles…we just have to want it. I think you are doing the right thing by postponing the wedding.
Post # 7
Member
53 posts
Worker bee
I dated an alcoholic recently, and my dad was one before he died from it. I would get out if you can. I learned from my situation…he was loud, embarassing, got in a lot of fights, and was disrespectful towards me. and drove drunk all the time. I honestly wasn’t even sure when he was drunk or sober anymore. I will never date that kind of guy again…not the kind of man I want to have kids with. It was really hard to get out of though, so I feel for you :/
Post # 8
Member
3370 posts
Sugar bee
@bigbee: My exLTR could put away a case, yes, 24 bottles of Corona and still ride a bike. It was insane. He was a violent drunk though. So in order to keep him from drinking I could never, ever drink or go to a party because he could not control himself. Even if he hadn’t had a drink in 8 months, one social situation or one good fight between us and we were back to square one. If I had one bottle of anything in the house he would eventually find a reason to drink it. I can’t even recount all the times his drinking embarrassed me. Too many to remember them all. I am the daughter of an alcoholic, the sister of an alcoholic, the niece of an alcoholic and I was the granddaughter of an alcoholic before my grandpa died at the age of 61. My other grandpa died at the age of 34, when my Mom was 6. Both were alcohol related deaths.
If your Fiance wants to change, then that’s great and with lots of support he hopefully will. But the term “change” isn’t really the word, it’s more like “learn”. He has to learn not to drink alcohol. Alcoholism is an incurable disease. He will not be able to “quit” and then pick up social drinking later. And he will only be able to learn to resist the temptation with a TON of emotional support (a treatment program is a big help). If he’s only saying he wants to stop because you’re mad it won’t work. If he doesn’t see the problem it won’t work.
Post # 10
Member
11098 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
Have you tried going to Al Anon meetings? I think that’s a good place to start.
I think you would be wise to put any wedding plans on hold, at the very least. Personally, I’d run.
I think you need to focus on getting yourself healthy & sober & get away from this toxic relationship.
Please, never get in the car with him driving, even if he seems sober, you really won’t know for sure.
Post # 11
Member
753 posts
Busy bee
I would suggest maybe coming from a place about health concern. While my fiancé doesn’t drink too much- I hate when he drinks dark liquor. He is never drunk or anything but what it does to the body is not good. I’d rather he drink a few beers or wine. Maybe if you approach it from a medical/ causes cancer – bad liver – I want a long life with you etc… He may understand and not feel attacked. Also drunk/ high driving Is never ok ( even exhausted driving) you need to squash that immediately because people who follow the rules of life don’t deserve to be killed cuz he wants to party. That’s horrible! Good luck!
Post # 12
Member
1161 posts
Bumble bee
@bigbee: I could not be married to someone who has an addiction, but you should see how serious he is about changing. Personally I think someone who is already hooked on something might have an easier time weaning themselves off than quitting cold turkey, but someone needs to keep him accountable. And it’s beyond messed up that he drives after drinking so that’s def gotta stop! I think you’re right for putting the wedding on hold.
Post # 13
Member
6737 posts
Bee Keeper
I’d tell him he needs to quit drinking and go to AA meetings or I’d leave. I would never stay with someone who constantly embarrasses me with his drinking – or someone who gets that drunk often or drinks 1-3x a week. It’s not ok.
What’s worse is the drinking and driving. It’s a CRIME for a reason. He could kill someone and ruin both his and your lives forever (and not to mention – KILL someone). Please do NOT allow this in your presence and tell all his friends he goes out with not to allow it either.
Post # 14
Member
135 posts
Blushing bee
I would get out. It sounds like he’s not ready to change, and he won’t change long-term for you, people only quit drinking when they are ready, it seems like one of those things that come from within or not at all. Could be years or never. I don’t think you will find lifelong happiness with this person; I think he is in the way of you meeting the right person for you. The importance of stability, imo, really can’t be overstated.
ETA: And are you really okay with someone who regularly risks killing another person? Full disclosure, I drove inebriated once and while I got home without incident, there are few things of which I am more ashamed. I could have killed someone’s husband or someone’s wife or someone’s child, I could have destroyed a family. I have zero respect for a person who regularly drives drunk and doesn’t care about what they are putting at risk.
