(Closed) Alcoholic parent any one?

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
179 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Not my parent, but my grandparents. They are married and both go to AA. They haven’t been alcoholics in my life time, but they use to be. They normally avoid alcohol, but will be at my wedding. They will probably leave early though..

Post # 4
Member
1962 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

If you have an open bar you can try to have the bartenders start really watering his drinks down/cut him off at a certain point. I’d give them a picture so they know who he is. The only problem is that if he’s desperate enough he’ll probably find somebody to get him a drink anyway or drink other people’s beverages that are lying around.

My dad is unfortunately an alcoholic and an epileptic who pretends he doesn’t have epilepsy. When he does take hid meds he likes to drink while on them. My relationship with him is no longer existant. After he basically abandoned my sister and I years ago I tried to have a relationship with him again just to see if it was possible to connect. I always felt like I’d missed out on something…(not sure if your dad’s alcoholism made you feel that way too). He refuses to accept responsibility for his actions and the relationship was one sided. I decided he was too toxic to keep in my life. If he ever wants to reach out to me then I may talk to him again. That will only happen if he grows up/stops drinking. There’s too much to post about him (and I don’t think the rest would help you too much). 

I’m not sure if your relationship is as non-existant as mine has been. If you ever want to PM me feel free. Whatever decision you come to make sure it is the best one for you though. You have to assess how much he means to you and what kind of relationship you want with him. Has he been sober for any length of time or is he currently having major alcohol issues?

Post # 5
Member
277 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

@rdownie1:  ((Hugs!)) I can relate. My father is also and alcoholic.

It’s difficult dealing with him on a regular basis. It’s hard talking to someone who is slurring their words and he often does not remember conversations we’ve had, or even seeing me at all. 

My mother passed away 6 years ago and my father has become sort of a hermit. He only leaves the house twice maybe 3 times a week, but he needs to be home by early afternoon to start drinking again. He constantly breaks plans that we make. Even when they are to go to his house to make him dinner he has some stupid excuse that he needs to get a hair cut.. (really? getting a hair cut in the morning is going to interfere with me coming to make you dinner ??) I get very frustrated with his behavior and excuses and bc of that I only stop by to see him once a week or so. 

For our wedding i put a plan in place for him to have a personal waiter to be the only person to serve him his drinks. They and the bar tenders had strict instructions to serve his 1st drink at full strength but the rest were to be mostly club soda. I also arranged for him to have a ride back to the hotel so I wasn’t worried about him driving drunk.

I have to say he was on his best behavior that day. He really made an effort to be present & in the moment and didn’t drink all day before the wedding at all (That is a HUGE deal). In the end he was really happy and had an amazing time. 

So there is hope that your dad may get his act together for at least your wedding day. He should want to remember his little girl getting married, not just being reminded in pictures (that was my dads reasoning) 

Best of luck to you! 

Post # 6
Member
945 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Both my mom and FI’s dad are recovering alcoholics. His dad hasn’t had a drink in about 28 years, and can control himself in environments where alcohol is present (ie. He’ll only drink pop).

My mother is a whole other story… I don’t think she’s had a drink in about 5 years or so, but I also know she hasn’t been in many scenarios where alcohol was present.

I’m absolutely concerned with this, given her history. And I have no idea how to handle it, because when she does drink, it’s terrible. I’m personally hoping she won’t make it (she’s skipped our graduations, family funerals, my brother leaving for Iraq, and basically any event that might trigger intense emotions). So I really have no advice for you, but I am in the same boat as you and it definitely sucks.

Post # 7
Member
567 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

My grandparents are recovering alcoholics, but as far as I know they haven’t had a drink in years, maybe even since before I was born. It’s never been an issue with them. I’m confident in my family members, but I’ve never dealt with them when they were drinking. 

Now, FI’s biological dad has a bad alcohol problem and won’t do anything about it. Fiance told me he does not want his dad invited, but they have a whole host of issues. I don’t have any kind of relationship with FI’s bio dad because Fiance doesn’t want him around. And the alcoholism is a major factor in that. 

Hopefully everything works out for you! PPs have given some good advice and I know there are some other threads on here that touch on this issue. 

Post # 8
Member
514 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

My dad’s an active alcoholic and I’m a recovery alcoholic.  When i got sober, my dad was sober also.  Needless to say, his return to active alcoholism has strained our once close relationship.  I chose to have him walk me down the aisle (with my mom) to honor the time and work he put into raising me.  However, there was NO way I was going to do a father-bride dance and have to smell the alcohol on him with everyone watching.  Those were my decisions and fortunately my family respected them.  

It’s really hard to see him hurting himself, especially since I’m been blessed with a happy, “normal” life.  

It really helped me to let my friends and Fiance know what I was going through so they could support me.  That’s the best advice I can give!  

Anyone with an alcholic parents knows that not serving alcohol at the wedding won’t do anything to stop an alcoholic from drinking.  It’s not like they drink only when it’s convenient.  My dad got drunk in the middle of the day when we went to a pumpkin patch with my little nieces.  Trust me, alcohol was not served there.

Post # 9
Member
514 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

Also, ACA and Al-Anon might be good places for you to find some more support.  We can’t change our alcoholic parents, but we can learn to take good care of ourselves so we can be happy people in spite of circumstances.

Post # 13
Member
5921 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: December 2010

My dad is a recovering alcoholic.  I say recovering because I am not sure when you are ever really cured.  He spent 30 days in a court ordered rehab, and will be 8 years sober this Christmas.

We had alcohol at our wedding, and he was just fine. 

As far as our relationship, we are definitely not as close as we should be, or that I had hoped for.  His drinking made him make poor choices that stick with a child as they grow up.  My parents were divorced and my dad had custody every other weekend, and there were a lot of weekends that he just wouldn’t show up.  It was hard as a kid, and I definitely struggled with abandonment issues because of it. 

Post # 15
Member
903 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with this. My dad is a recovering alcoholic–recently celebrated his 20th year of sobriety. But even with a full 20 years behind him, I know that it is still a struggle. It’s never completely behind you. One of my dad’s brothers is also a recovering alcoholic and another is still drinking. It is so frustrating to see someone you love slowly killing himself. My uncle was recently diagnosed with cancer, but he’s not doing anything about it because he says, “The drinking will kill me first.” I mean how are people supposed to respond to that? But I digress. I hope this worry won’t weigh on you too much on the big day, but I know it’s tough. You can certainly have family members or people at the venue watching him, but there’s only so much other people can do. It’s really on your dad himself. If he wants to drink, he’ll find a way to do it, unfortunately. But it sounds like he knows he has a problem and he wants to make things right for you. So I think all you can really do is hope that that feeling in him quashes any desire to drink. It’s something that’s nearly impossible for you to control, so please try not to spend too much time worrying about it and just enjoy your engagement and wedding 🙂

Post # 16
Member
286 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I have alcoholism running rampant in my family. Luckily the two closest to me are both in recovery (my mom and my SO). I am not sure what I will do about alcohol at my future wedding…I know neither my mom or SO would really care either way and I don’t care for drinking very much anyway so I probably won’t have it or have it in limited quantities (ie just beer/wine) purely for cost reasons. 

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