(Closed) All a bridesmaids duties are, are to turn up on the day….

posted 5 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 2
Member
1184 posts
Bumble bee

As a bridesmaid, all they have to do is turn up on the day.

As a close FRIEND/FAMILY MEMBER, I’d expect moral support and wedding chats etc but that’s because we’re close, not because I’ve given them a dress to wear. 

Sorry I really disagree, bridesmaids have their own lives and they shouldn’t be expected to jump because the bride wants something. I have no doubt that if I asked my two bridesmaids to help me out with something, they would, but it would be wrong of me to EXPECT  it of them just for being a bridesmaid. 

Post # 3
Member
1980 posts
Buzzing bee

A bridesmaid’s duties are the ones you talk about and agree upon when you ask them to be a bridesmaid. The lowest tier, of course, being to just show up. If you have different expectations, they need to know that before going in.

Post # 4
Member
1845 posts
Buzzing bee

Support, sure. Love, sure. Friendship the same as before they became your bridesmaid, sure.

But I think when people say that all a bridesmaid’s duties are to rock up on the day they mean that you should not expect them to help plan your wedding. They should not HAVE to plan a bridal shower exactly how you want it. You shouldn’t get shitty at her for not being able to attend while you dress shop or for being unable to spend a whole weekend DIYing your favours. If she has the time and wants to then great, but it’s unfair to expect it.

Post # 5
Member
1184 posts
Bumble bee

OneDayMrsL:  agreed. Love and support etc are duties of bridesmaids But by being friends not by because they’re bridesmaids.

Bridesmaids shouldn’t be expected to plan wedding stuff, do a bridal shower (but we don’t have them in the UK) or DIY stuff. 

Post # 6
Member
551 posts
Busy bee

I think that your bridesmaids SHOULD BE people that are close friends and family. So yes, I think that there is an unspoken bond there that they should provide some emotional support for you (because thats what friends and family do every day of the year anyways). I am confused as to why a friend or family member would not do this. However, if people choose bridesmaids that they are not close to (just for the sake of having more bridesmaids), then I don’t understand why they expect anything more from them other than just showing up.

Post # 7
Member
130 posts
Blushing bee

Yeah I don’t find this tricky at all…it’s not some magical job that means once they get the title they do your princess-ly bidding during the planning process. I’m not expecting mine to do anything except maybe help me make sure nobody is going to step on the back of my dress until I get down the aisle. They’re all busy, wonderful people with their own stuff to do…kids, school, career, etc.

That being said, if this is someone who you’re usually VERY close to, who has always been there for you before and been thrilled to shop, craft, or talk non-stop, and now suddenly seems less helpful after they did initially promise they were excited and wanted to be there every step of the journey…either they have something going on in their life or you may have put them off somehow.

Post # 8
Member
9042 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

springbee2015:  I think that the real problem is that brides get all these expectations beyond the bounds of normal friendship of their bridesmaids just because they are getting married. The only thing a bridesmaid is obligated to do is show up in the dress and smile, everything else is an optional extra. Should a friend be there to support another friend, of course but at the same time the bride should not forget to support her friends either. I think a lot of brides forget that one.

Your bff from middle school who you have spoken to once a year since is never going to be a great choice for a bridesmaid. Your friends are also not going to majically change their habits/personalities just because you are getting married so if you want your flakey friend to be a bridesmaid then accept that she will be flakey. 

I also think if your friends are blowing you off after you have made them bridesmaids (so no other friendship changing events taking place) then the bride needs to not automatically jump to bad bridesmaid but maybe to look at their own actions. I have known many a bride that turned from fun friend into self absorbed bride.

Post # 9
Member
479 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

My plans are to do all my wedding planning alone. The only person I want helping me is my Fiance. My Maid/Matron of Honor (who’s my sister) will most likely help because she loves planning anything and everything and that’s all I really need. Probably my mom too but everyone else will just be extra opionions that I don’t need haha Just my opionion.  The ones that want to lend a hand fine and dandy and the ones the don’t then fine too. After all it isn’t their wedding.

I was in a wedding this summer and the expecations some brides put on BMs is kind of crazy. Everyone has lives to live and things to do.  

Post # 10
Member
3224 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

springbee2015: It’s not tricky. You’re right – they should continue to be the same friend they were before the wedding. They should talk to you, hang out with you, etc. But YOU need to be a friend to them as well – you should not expect them to want to talk about your wedding with you all of the time. You should hang out like “normal”, talk to them about their lives as well. 

And if your friends weren’t throwing lavish parties for your before your engagement, they don’t have to throw them afterward either. “Duties” do not extend to throwing you bridal showers, bachelorette parties, etc. unless they chose to do those things. Also, as a bride I have never gone to a bridal expo, I did not like dress shopping and bought my dress in the first hour I was shopping, menu tasting was boring, etc. So as a Bridesmaid or Best Man I wouldn’t want to do these things either – I didn’t make any of my friends do those boring things with me and I’d hope they would understand if I didn’t want to do it with them. That said: as Maid/Matron of Honor for my best friend a couple years ago I did go see some venues with her and I threw her a bachelorette and a bridal shower, but she never asked for these things – I did it because I wanted to. 

Post # 11
Member
3870 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

springbee2015:  I guess I see where you’re coming from, because usually when I see Bees saying that your bridesmaids just have to show up on the day of, nothing more, I always silently disagree. I definitely think that every social circle is different, but in mine, the bridesmaids are expected to get their dresses and show up the day of wearing a smile, sure. But I also expect my bridesmaids to help throw me a bridal shower and a bachelorette party. I am in no way a demanding, self-absorbed bride. I expect it because that is what has been done at every other wedding my friends and I have been in together, as well as my for my sisters. Since the very first friend got engaged and married we planned the showers, hosted them, threw the bachelorette parties, etc. So now that I’m engaged, yes, I expect my friends to do the same for me. I have made no demands or suggestions and have told them whatever they throw me I will graciously and happily accept. It was the bridesmaids who actually brought up the shower a couple of months ago to tell me they would probably start planning it in the next few months. 

Besides that, I don’t really have any other crazy expectations from them. And no, sorry, I don’t see throwing a shower and bachelorette party to be crazy or outside the norm. My friends WANT to do this for me. Emotional support and help DIY’ing wedding things is an added bonus, but definitely not necessary. 

Post # 12
Member
2358 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

springbee2015:  Close friends and family members will provide support of course…

That just means you cannot expect them to slave for a whole weekend doing some DIY lol.

 

My MOH/fav sister got millions of wedding planning pics sent to her and she came to the tastings. She also planned my bachelorette and offered a bridal shower but I couldn’t accept that. 

Everything she did was much appreciated, but that doesn’t mean I could EXPECT her to be places and plan things, you know?

Post # 13
Member
2514 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

springbee2015:  I picked girls who had been there for me through the roughest times, the best times and everything in between.  They’re bridesmaids because of everything we’ve gone through together, not because of what I think they can do for me. I don’t expect that relationship to suddenly change because I’m a bride.  And I make sure I hold up my end of the friendship.  It’s not all wedding, all the time.  It’s about them too! 

All I expect of them is to show up on the big day, wear the dress they picked, get their make up done (I’m paying) and stand with me.  Above everything else I want them to have a blast!  I chose to plan the wedding I did, so I see it as my responsibility to  do all the little things associated with it.  They have full lives themselves, they have better things to do than stick thank you tags on favours or print escort cards.  

They did throw me a shower and are throwing me a bachelorette.  It was their choice.  One friend has been planning my bachelorette for years!  She was all over that.  It looked like the bachelorette wasn’t going to happen.  The Bridesmaid or Best Man was very, very sick and in the ICU for a week in November.  I cancelled the bachelorette.  She’d planned it, but I couldn’t imagine celebrating without her.  She’s much better now, still recovering, and they finally figured out what was wrong (this has been a 2 year ordeal, with multiple surgeries, lots of sick time, hospitalizations, all with zero explanation.)  She isn’t ‘cured’ and never will be, but we aren’t terrified that it’ll get worse (its hard to get much worse than the ICU.)  After going through all of that, I’m just thankful that she’s well and she’s going to be around a long time. 

Post # 14
Member
7371 posts
Busy Beekeeper

Exactly OneDayMrsL: Some brides seem only focused on their costs and time but fail to register that bridal party members have the same resistrants. Time and money are resources and most of us dont have an endless supply of.

So yeah you may want a Vegas destination bparty but either I dont want to spend it on a flight, hotel, transporation, F&B or I would love to but can’t swing it financially. You want to go dress shopping and have us ohhh and ahhh, ok but multiple trips, really?.  DIY projects are named just that -YOURSELF? Our friendship shouldnt be dependant on my participation, especially for non essential events. 

Post # 15
Member
5188 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 2013

springbee2015:  Definitely to show up and be supportive (however irrelevant because a friend should be supportive whether she’s a bridesmaid or not), but not to be a personal assistant, event planner, or worst of all a photo prop. 

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