Post # 1
Hi All! I am new to this website and was really hoping someone could help me answer a question and attempt to keep some peace.
We got engaged a few weeks ago and are having our wedding up north as this is where my family are from and where I always wanted to go!
I have a HUGE family and my partner has a pretty big family as well.
We decided that only our kids and siblings kids can come to the wedding because of the cost and size of venue. Problem is my partner only has 3 cousins (6 if partners included) and only 1 of his cousins has kids – 3 kids! 2 toddlers and an elder one. They are kicking off big time and causing SO much grief to the point where my partner is really very upset.
Now my partner asked if we could just make an exception for them but I don’t think this is fair, why should they get special treatment for being unreasonable. I have told them I CANNOT afford for your kids to come because I CANNOT just invite your kids and not the rest.
To put in perspective, I have 11 cousins (22no. with partners) and each of my cousins, bar 3, have minimum of 2 kids each. If you do the math, and I have to invite all cousins and kids, that will be 28 adults and 21 kids!
My cousins have all said they understand, but if they find out that 1 persons kids can come then it will be a quite different story. But 21 kids for the sake of 1 person! I would rather them just not come but my partner would be devastated.
So my question is, do I invite all and hope most dont make it or just tell the particular couple not to bother coming at all. Or do I risk it and let their kids come and hope no one notices?! I am even tempted to tell them that they can come if they pay for them, which they won’t do.
NB: I have to invite some kids because we have our own! At the moment the guest list is over 70 people for a ceremony and 130 people for the evening and that is only including 10 friends (20 incl. partners), the rest is family!
Post # 2
I have 28 first cousins, most of whom are married and have kids, so I don’t personally think inviting all of the kids would be that big of a deal if that’s something your Fiance really wants. However, I agree with you that if you invite his cousin’s children, it would be rude to exclude the children on your side, so I would stick to your guns if you’re adament about not inviting children outside of your immediate family. I’m not sure what the etiquette is regarding your siblings children – I was under the impression that it was either kids free or all kids and the only exception that was ok was inviting just your own children, but I could be wrong.
Post # 3
Kids are not an all or nothing thing. I think the line you drew (your kids and your nieces/nephews) is a good line to draw (inviting in circles is always a good piece of advice to follow). Do not give in to their temper tantrum. Can excluding some people’s kids cause drama? Yes, because their are some parents who feel that their kids should always be invited. It is really shitty that this person is making your partner feel so upset.
I do have a question that does not deal with the kid issue. You say you are inviting 70 people to the ceremony but 130 people to the reception. Why is that? Why isn’t everyone invited to both the ceremony and reception?
Post # 4
Let them kick up a fuss! Chances are if you cave to them, they’ll make other demands/excuses.
My family has been hosting adult only weddings, since I was a kid – late 1960s. When my daughter invited 250 guests (21 and up) to her wedding, only 1 couple said they didn’t have a babysitter. They had the save the date 10 months earlier. Another couple failed to even RSVP – the bride’s aunt/uncle. She’d only met their younger child twice – I’ve never met him – so we hit the IDGAF wall pretty quickly, with them.
Post # 5
We are inviting kids we have a relationship with, so that does mean cutting some out. It’s your wedding.
Post # 6
Nope. There’s a boundary that has been set for the fairness of all involved. It is not wishy washy or confusing. Certain kids will be there. Her kids are not invited. She gets to decide what she will do with that agreement. Either attend without her kids or stay home. The choice is HERS. You and your Fiance don’t really need to do anything more, I don’t think.
That kind of stuff is so annoying. Makes me want to say “Come over here, special snowflake. Sing your song of woe into this blowdryer.”
PS- your Fiance knows the agreement. He needs to enforce it. You two need to be a united team otherwise it can look like you’re making and imposing these rules on him and his family. That isn’t a fair position to put you in.
Post # 7
If he only has 3 cousins compared to your 11 then I think it is reasonable for him to want to make the exception seeing how your side of the list is significantly larger. Though I must say I don’t appreciate them being brats about it. still this is to make your husband happy so i would consider it
Post # 8
The line that you drew is perfect! I have about 30 cousins, all are older than me except for two (one is just a year younger than me and is in the wedding party and one will be 9 at the wedding)and almost all of them have 2 or more children. My fiance only has 2 cousins, one has 3 children and 3 stepchildren. We will not be inviting any of our cousin’s children. My fiance’s neice will also be in attendance she will be 11 at the wedding.
If I had to open the wedding up to all children I would almost double my guest list and absolutely blow my budget. If someone can’t respect your wishes and follow the rules, then I believe they should not attend. End of story. People know how stressful wedding planning is, I don’t understand why they need to cause more drama and stress for absolutely no reason.
Post # 9
Makes me want to say “Come over here, special snowflake. Sing your song of woe into this blowdryer.”
I never heard this phrase before, but I love it. I will be using it, in the future. Thank you so much!
Post # 10
Do what’s best for you. I think it’s understandable to have your kids there, of course. And if there’s just that many and you can’t afford it, that’s fine too I guess. I probably would not have invited the cousins at all in that case.
In my situation, I’m letting the kiddos come. We are having a very small wedding, immediate family only. I am an only child so I am inviting my parents, and one friend. So I’ll have 3 guests.
My Fiance has his parents, plus a brother and sister and their spouses. So 6, right? That would be 9 guests total. But his brother and sister each have 5 kids!! Our wedding will be 9 adults and 10 kids.
But we love then and they are nieces and nephews (which I think is closer than 2nd cousins like you’ve got) so they’ll be there, doubling the size of the group.
Here’s what I’d ask myself:
-Can I afford the kids to be there?
-Can I afford a babysitter for the kids under a certain age?
-Is this going to cause a lot of drama in the family?
-Are the cousins going to show up if they can’t find a babysitter? And if not, is it okay by you if they aren’t there, or are they people you really want to be at your wedding?
Post # 11
I understand why you’d want your nieces and nephews there. I also understand why the cousins would be upset about it. I think it’s best to just keep the details between you and your fiance until invitations are given out. Then assign your Maid/Matron of Honor to send emails (to the rest of the guests, not your siblings) stating that you wish for the event to be adults only.
I have a HUGE family and my fiance does not. I felt like it was just a courteous gesture (and it’s just our culture) to invite everyone. We had 65 adults at our engagement brunch and 18 kids under the age of 12. All of the kids in attendance were our cousins’ kids. Lol, and our families are growing by the year! We plan to invite everyone at the wedding too.
Post # 12
ha! Glad to be of service. 😉