(Closed) All or nothing ultimatum…should we just say screw it and elope?

posted 9 years ago in Elopement
  • poll: You should...


    Cherry-pick family members

  • Post # 3
    539 posts
    Busy bee

    I would wait until you are actually engaged and then approach the subject again…maybe can compromised with 140-150 people

    Post # 4
    174 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: May 2013

    I have 50 people in my immediate family, and we decided to have 80 people at our wedding. We are only inviting aunts and uncles, no cousins. No one has gotten mad at  us, our cut us out of the family. They understand that there are constraints that people have to deal with.


    Post # 5
    1215 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: November 2012

    I would say it depends on what your expectations of a wedding are. My Fiance has a huge family and tons of extended family/family friends, and he and I both wanted to invite a lot of our friends (my own family is small though), so we are making cuts in a lot of places in order to accomodate a lot of guests. Our final count of people who RSVP’ed yes is looking like ~150. Wayyyy more than I originally planned – but I’d rather no one feel like they were missing out, and be surrounded by people I love, than have an expensive cake or any other wedding details. We’ve cut a lot of corners but to me it’s worth it. I’m not really a “bridezilla” – I didn’t have a lot of expectations when we got engaged, because to me a wedding is just as much about the family as it is about the couple. There are tons of bees out there who disagree and think the wedding is just YOUR day, but my Fiance and I have very closely-knit families who wouldn’t miss our marriage for the world. Eloping would’ve felt like cheating them out of a really special experience.

    I’m not sure what your budget is. I have a few friends who are having 200+ guests with budgets of <$5000, so it can definitely be done. but if it’s too much of a hassle, then do whatever feels right. but be very very careful about “cherry-picking” certail people when you’re planning a guest list, a wedding is NOT worth hurting feelings over, especially if it’s immediate family!

    Post # 6
    7547 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: January 2013

    View original reply
    @jtsing:  Agreed. Try not to worry about it now, you can cross that bridge when you get to it. When you actually sit down and start listing the people who you want there, he may realize he wants more than 100 people. 

    Post # 8
    1004 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: May 2013

    I picked option C: budget wedding for over 100 guests. We found a venue that was a great deal and did not charge per head, and did not require us to use a specific caterer or flourist. So we can save $$$ that way, and with DIY projects.


    Why is your Fiance saying no more than 100? If he just doesn’t like “big” weddings (wouldn’t call 150 big)? Has he been to weddings where people show up who havent seen the bride/groom in 10 years? Assure him you will only invite the close family members, but explain that you simply have a lot more of them than he does.


    Post # 9
    442 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: May 2013

    I agree with some of the bees above. I think a compromise can be and should be done. He wants 100 great, you want maybe 200, great. Why not meet in the middle and go for 150. That way it can include more of your family and still be a fairly small wedding.

    Post # 10
    1715 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    I had a similar problem.  The Fiance wanted to elope; my family wanted a wedding; and, I just wanted to get married in a church even if it’s just me, the Fiance and the witnesses.  We ended up with a bigger wedding than we both wanted.  We haven’t had our wedding yet so I don’t know how I feel.  I’ve been feeling torn through the wedding planning process.

    Post # 11
    14 posts
    • Wedding: March 2013

    I voted cherry pick – but only because you said in your post that you’ve always dreamed of a big wedding.  You don’t want to regret the decision to elope later.

    Fiance and I faced the same problem (our list would have been 200, easy) and chose to elope – but having a big wedding wasn’t important to us.

    Post # 12
    950 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: June 2013

    Are your family members mostly local or would they have to travel?

    You could have a private ceremony out of country and have a reception when you get back, or just a huge family celebration. This works best if people don’t have to travel.

    We are having a private ceremony and a reception dinner for our family, but we will be showing a 5 minute edited ceremony video so they can still witness the wedding in a way.

    Post # 13
    4042 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: November 1999

    Can you get married over a holiday weekend, on a Friday or Sunday? Maybe a week after Christmas? Sounds mean, but this will naturally cut down your guest list a bit.

    Or, invite your entire family and let Fiance invite about 30 oh his (then only he is cherry picking). Your family doesn’t get upset, and your Fiance gets the smallish wedding he wanted.

    Post # 14
    68 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: June 2013

    I have good friends who both have large families but they really wanted a small wedding – they didn’t want all the attention.  They are inviting only very close family members and friends, keeping the wedding under 100.  Several of her aunts are not invited to the wedding, but they came to the bridal shower and they were perfectly understanding of the situation.  While some people will be sad, no one who has any class will throw a fit about not being invited to your wedding.  You could simply set the rule to only immediate family and grandparents if you wanted. It’s not weird or unheard of!

    However, unless your SO has a very good reason for keeping it at absolutely no more than 100, you should be able to have the wedding you have dreamed of.  Over 100 doesn’t mean bank-breaking, if that’s his issue.  Don’t elope if you’ve always wanted a wedding, you will be heart broken and probably end up resenting your SO.

    Post # 15
    3 posts

    I think eloping or a destination wedding can be super romantic.  I’m looking into it myself!

    Post # 16
    237 posts
    Helper bee

    I think eloping is very cool – if that’s what you want. It sounds like you’ve always wanted a big wedding and want your family there. I would not give that up. If you can frame it that way to him, that this is important to you and you would truly appreciate his supporting your wish, then he might be open to it…

    If you did elope, could you then have a huge reception party at a later date? 

    Or maybe have only your closest family and friends at the ceremony but invite everyone to the reception?

    I have a very small family (I have maybe seven people I actually have a relationship with, including my parents and brother) so maybe I’m wrong, but are there a few second cousins, family’s friends, etc. that you could not invite? Even people who might be miffed but you aren’t close enough to to care?

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