All Talk, No Action

posted 2 years ago in Proposals
Post # 2
Member
5757 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

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asdf123 :  Surely if you change your name during med school then the the school would obviously take that into account when issuing your results? So your reason for such a specific deadline doesn’t make much sense.

That aside have you told him you want to get married by next August?  Have you discussed it, what did he say, did he agree to that?

Post # 3
Member
868 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2020

Yeah… my boyfriend and I talked about my ring size and preferences in 2014. So in my experience, that doesn’t mean much.

Don’t set yourself up for disappointment. If you really want to be married before Aug 2019, or realistically any time in the next couple of years, you need to tell him and have a timeline talk right now. Don’t worry about “forcing” him; if he wants to do it he will, and if he doesn’t he will find a way to put you off. Take a look at the “Waiting” board and see the excuses some men will give to avoid getting engaged.

Post # 5
Member
5757 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

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asdf123 :  I think it’s pushy to set an arbitrary date and enforce that as a deadline not only for engagement but the wedding, but it definitely isn’t push to just sit down and have a conversation about your future. Discuss next summer and start the conversation, ask when do you both see yourselves getting married, figure out if you are on similar pages first then try and meet in the middle.

Have you discussed how fiances will work when you go back to school?  Would you expect your boyfriend to support you?  Is he okay with that? 

Post # 6
Member
601 posts
Busy bee

Unless you say, “If we don’t get married by X date then I’m leaving,” you are not giving him an ultimatum. You’re just asking to be an active participant in planning your future together.

The ball is not just in his court. If you have a timeline that is important to you, you need to discuss that with him. Wanting to get married before you start med school makes a lot of sense. Sit down with him and discuss the timeline that you would like to work around. He might have a different timeline that works for him, and you’ll have to come to a compromise on when you do get engaged/married.

Post # 8
Member
1003 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2019

If you haven’t discussed timelines then he has no way of knowing what you’re thinking. Just talk to him, at a good time when you’re both relaxed, and tell him that you were thinking you’d like to get married before you start your program, and what does he think about that? Then from there, decide on a timeline to get engaged based on how long you would like to plan your wedding. If he doesn’t have any issues talking about marriage, I don’t think you have anything to be worried about.

Post # 9
Member
986 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 1984

As many other bees have pointed out on other waiting threads – so what if it seems pushy? It’s your life too and you have every right to discuss timelines wih your BF. 

sassy411 has very aptly stated that these guys are not “delicate flowers” that will wilt when questioned so I encorage you to go for it!

Post # 10
Member
1458 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

He bought a car because buying a ring is not on his mind. 

You need to sit down with him and put a timeline together. No you’re not being pushy you’ve been together for 8 years ffs. 

Post # 11
Member
11385 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

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asdf123 :  wait, why have you agreeed to pay his loans off first, but you don’t have s TL for marriage? This isn’t cool.

Agree with PP, while you might feel it’s pushier to being up a TL, it’s actually more manipulative to set this arbitrary date by which you need this done for convenience that has nothing to do with what he needs or wants. 

You are responsible for advocating for your own life and planning and needs, though, so asking for a TL is not pushy, it’s smart and something self-respecting people do if they feel they need it. 

Post # 13
Member
7558 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Do not make this about a bureaucratic detail like changing your name before med school – thats manipulative and disingenuous. Just own the fact that you want to marry him because you damn well want to and it’s been long enough and what is the hold up. Own it! Have the honest conversation – be clear about what you want and don’t try to justify it with weird reasoning like “I want my name to match yours before med school” – because that’s not what this is about.

And def do not start paying off his loans until you’re engaged with a wedding date set! You are a smart lady if you’re in med school – this is not smart!

Post # 14
Member
2696 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

Tiffanybruiser hit the nail on the head! Don’t pay his loans off! You have no formal commitment from him. Why would you do this? 8 years is a long time. You have two degrees. You’re an intelligent adult who knows what she wants. You want to be married, and you even state that you feel like your bf is dangling you on a string. Take ownership of your future, and tell him the time has passed for cutesey hints about a surprise proposal. You need to know where your relationship is and where it’s going. You need a timeline range of a few months for when this proposal will happen.

Post # 15
Member
111 posts
Blushing bee

View original reply
asdf123 :  Also, are you sure 15340824% that you want to marry your boyfriend? Because med schools and residencies are notorious for breaking up relationships/engagements/marriages. Wanting to be married with one of the bigger reasons being you want to use his last name as a practicing doctor, especially where you honestly don’t know if you’ll make it to becoming an MD in the end (all the board exams, match, etc, etc), seems very superficial. 

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