Post # 1
Member
2 posts
Wannabee
I am writting on here because I would also like some advice or words of wisdom because I have a similar situation. My bf and I have been dating for almost 8 years in July of this year. Overall I feel that I am getting signs of mixed feelings from him. He is 27 and I am 25 and we have been living together for about 7 years. We have been through a lot together and he has always been my support sytem and we are each others best friends/partners.
Every now and then we will get questions or remarks from our families or friends asking when we will get married. It is also sad to see that other friends are getting engaged who have been dating for far less time than we have. Recently we have been discussing our goals as far as a time frame of when we want to get married and we agreed that it needs to happen before 5 years since we both want to have 3 kids.
I have been with my bf been a support system for him as he has quickly moved up in his career. As for me, I will be graduating with my degree this year and plan to get a step in working at a better paying job. He makes significantly a lot more money than me. His job has offered to transfer his position to another state which I practically helped convinced him into moving up there since we have discussed for long time that that is a state we would like to live in. The plans we have discussed have been that we would move up there and move into a smaller apartment (we are renting a house now) in order to save the extra money we would normally spend towards the downpayment to buy first home. We have agreed before that it would be better for us to buy a house first, then get married, and have kids.
Overall usually when I ask about marriage he will either give me a samrt remark like “well how do you know I want to marry you?”, or he will say that he wants it to happen soon. Last night I brought it up again by telling him that marriage is very important to me and something I really want in life and that I dont see any signs of him wanting to propose to me. I told him that he doesnt even know my ring size and he said he has thought about looking through my jewelry box to guess the size. He also said that “how am I supposed to buy the ring and surprise propose to you when you do our budget and look at our finances?”. Then he finally said that he always hears from others that “when you are with the right person you just know and have a feeling.” It sounds like he is unsure about wether he wants to marry me and spend the rest of his life with me.
He menioned that it would be hard to imagine a life without me because we have been together for almost years and have so much history together. He also mentioned some negative marriage/engagement stories from a coworker and family and said that he does not believe in divorce.
Over the past few years I have heard many reasons as to why he hasnt proposed yet like “I want you to finish school first and have a good job”, “rings are so expensive”. He expressed that he has been so focused on his career working 7 days a week, and on call sometimes that he hasnt really made time to think about us.Which I know he has been very busy and I been understanding of him working hard for us and we havent really been able to do too many fun things as well because we are trying to not spend much money and save for the downpayment of a house. He told me he doesnt feel ultimately happy and that today when he comes home from work he wants to do something fun with me and wants to reconnect our relationship. He said he will think about us today and let me know soon because it is not fair to me.
I feel at a loss and so insecure about not knowing about the future of our relationship. I am not sure if I am pushing marriage to much onto him. He still said he loves me and I do too but part of me questions evertything. How come one day he tells me that it will happen soon between 3 years and he wants to already have the first baby because we are getting older and want 3 kids in total and then another day he tells me that he doesnt get that feeling that everyone talks about knowing when you meet the right person?
I am so sorry this is so long 🙁 I really want our relationsip to work out and for us to keep moving forward to the goals we have discussed previously. It does not matter to me how long it takes, I would still want to be with him even we don’t get married. I just can’t imagine life without him because he is the best thing that has ever happened to me and my best friend who I trust and feel comfortable being around with. He has brought happiness in my life.
Post # 2
Member
10031 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
Then he finally said that he always hears from others that “when you are with the right person you just know and have a feeling.”
That is the truth of how he feels right there. He isn’t 100% sure he wants to marry you, and i’m sorry for that because its totally shitty. We see this a lot here with women in your position where the men are happy enough in their day to day lives and are too scared to let go of a good thing so they just keep stringing the women along until the woman finally gets fed up and leaves or they work up the courage to dump her.
I don’t think its unreasonable for you to sit him down and give him YOUR timeline and let him know if he hits that timeline and still isn’t ready you will have to walk away.
Post # 3
Member
3541 posts
Sugar bee
I agree with slomotion : that he’s not willing to marry you, but he’s comfortable enough he doesn’t want to break up.
At the age of 27 and dating for eight years, he should know by now that he wants to marry you. Do you really want to wait around another five years for him to “make up his mind” about marrying you?
Post # 4
Member
6841 posts
Busy Beekeeper
snowbutterfly : I agree with slomotion : That same part concerned me as well. It sounds like he loves you but he isn’t sure if you’re “the one” yet.
Post # 5
Member
434 posts
Helper bee
He has been with you 8 years that is MORE than enough time to know who you are a person (good and bad qualities) and what your life would be like together in the future. Perhaps if he had listed some genuine reasons for wanting to wait – saving, traveling, careers etc I would be more lenient but the fact that his only excuse is ‘rings are so expensive’ and ‘you know when you want to marry someone’ is utterly disgraceful and pathetic. Firstly, rings can be expensive but there are plenty that are cost friendly. You work within your budget. And secondly, 8 years is more than enough to ‘know’. He knows, he just doesn’t have the balls to break up with you. That is super shitty and I’m so sorry he is doing this to you!
My honest opinion is be the better person and be the girl that got away. You have been with him 8 years, gave him more than enough time to propose and he still hasn’t. You have always been his support system but it’s time you be your own support system and take care of yourself and your own needs. In time he will come to learn what he has lost and if he is too ignorant to even see what a catch you are in the first place then at least you will be making room for the right guy!
Post # 6
Member
2588 posts
Sugar bee
If he was always telling you “I’m sure I want to marry you I just want other things in life to happen first” that’s one thing. If he is always saying “I don’t see the point in marriage, or so and so got divorced because most marriages fail” that would be another thing. The fact that he is basically saying both over the years is what’s troubling.
That being said, I don’t believe in divorce for non-addiction/ abuse reasons either and even though I had “the feeling” that I wanted to be with my Fiance forever, I still wanted to wait a long time of being together to basically be sure that we wouldn’t grow separately and eventually divorce.
We started dating when I was 21 him 26, so we grew up a lot in the 8 years we were boyfriend/girlfriend. While you and your SO have been together a long time, you are still relatively young and growing into who you are as a person so it makes sense to me to ‘get all your ducks in a row’ before making that next life step.
ETA: I think a timeline would be helpful for you two. Start with the first child and work back from there to figure out logically when you would like to be married before that child arrives. If he can’t or doesn’t agree, then you have to decide if you’d be okay being with him forever and never married, or married to someone else.
Post # 7
Member
3092 posts
Sugar bee
8 YEARS? I wish a man would try this with me. I won’t even wait for two without a proposal.Nope, nope, nope.
Post # 8
Member
2588 posts
Sugar bee
Butterfly6 : okay, way to be helpful.
Post # 9
Member
4823 posts
Honey bee
snowbutterfly : Sounds to me as if he sees you as an option, and you see him as a priority. If a man wants to marry you, nothing will stand in his way. I wish you the very best, but suspect he isn’t as invested in the relationship as you are.
Post # 10
Member
1336 posts
Bumble bee
- Wedding: October 2016 - Painswick Church and the Falcon Hotel
Sorry but it looks like he doesn’t want to marry you otherwise he would of proposed already 7 years is a long time to be in a relationship without an engagement. I would have wondered where my ring was a long time ago
Post # 11
Member
105 posts
Blushing bee
Yeah, agree with everyone above. 8 years doesn’t necessarily mean should be engaged (25 and 27 is still pretty young) but I absolutely think HE owes you an answer on whether he plans to marry you in the future. And honestly, if he’s not giving you sincere answers like “yes, i love you and plan to marry you and have a family and yadayadayada” – if I were you, I’d be out the door next week. I’m sorry, but on the plus side, if he’s hesitating or unsure, at least you are smart enough to be worrying and questioning him about his intentions NOW while you’re super young. Good luck girl.
Post # 12
Member
555 posts
Busy bee
- Wedding: December 2017 - Lake Louise Canada
Rings ARE expensive. If you believe he just hasnt gotten around to the proposal, go buy a ring for him! There is no reason you can’t do the proposing if you believe the relationship is at that stage. If it ISN’T at that stage then you know you’re jumping the gun a bit, worrying about him being too slow. Ask him directly to marry you, if he still hums and haws, he might be one of those people who just doesnt see it as a necessity to ever get married.
Post # 13
Member
355 posts
Helper bee
I would want a for sure “yes I want to marry you” before uprooting my life & moving to another state at the very least. I know y’all discussed & want to buy a house before getting married, but have you thought about what happens if y’all buy a house together & then he drags his feet on proposing? At the very least I’d want to have a set in stone timeline before investing in property, if not an actual engagement.
Post # 14
Member
2 posts
Wannabee
I understand what everyone is saying and I also want him to let me know if wants to marry me or not. Even though right now we are not in a point of our life where can even get married in a few months. We would need to save up for the wedding first as neither of us are expecting to receive any financial assistance from our families for the wedding.
I want to see what his attitude is like today when he comes home from work and see if he has even thought about it. Overall I feel like through the years he has just been waiting for the right time for it to happen. I told him I am not looking to pressure him and want it to come out of him and for it to be natural.
Post # 15
Member
275 posts
Helper bee
A lot of the things he is saying and the mixed messages are almost identical to what my ex (who I finally left because he wouldn’t move the relationship forward) told me, sadly it does seem like he isn’t sure he wants to marry you and after this long he should be. I think you need to sit him down and come up with a timeline for engagement. Let him know when you would like to be engaged by, ask him the same. See if you can both agree on a deadline of when you will be engaged by. I wouldn’t make it anymore than 9 months to one year into the future because he may just agree to a long timeline to get you off his back so he doesn’t have to think about it. Saying you both want to get married within 5 years is way too long and too vague of a timeline. Once the timeline has passed, if no proposal, then walk away. You are so young, you have time to meet someone else!
Also, I wouldn’t move to another state with him without being engaged with a wedding date set. The distance might do you some good and will make it easy for you to move on if he doesn’t propose. I’ve been there, although we were only together for 3 years, so I know how hard it is. But you have to put yourself first, if he doesn’t want to marry you, someone else will want to! Don’t waste the pretty!
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