(Closed) Almost broke up–in kind of a “trial” time

posted 12 years ago in Emotional
Post # 32
Member
767 posts
Busy bee

I would brainstorm ways to make friends in the area.  You need some and it might keep you mind away from loops.

Post # 33
Member
845 posts
Busy bee

Wow this is so similar to our situation. I think from what you describe you are at a make-or-break point in your relationship. I don’t actually think counseling is a good idea right now. The issue seems simple: you don’t know anyone in your new town, so you are latching on to him and it’s bothering him. Try to minimize the laundry, making dinner, love notes, etc. If you play your cards right, in a few weeks he’ll be back to appreciating these gestures. Right now they are just going to make things worse. 

Try to get out of the house and do things on your own. I know its so much easier said then done, but you have to do it. Go to the gym, go shopping, go to the library, anything to be on your own. Maybe plan a weekend visit to friends or family. 

Regarding what he said, we’ve said worse things than that during our fights. It doesn’t mean that he doesn’t want to marry you. You just need to play by his rules for a while.

Post # 34
Member
1616 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I can relate to moving to a new city where you only know your fiance, because that is what I did in July. I can imagine, because you only have him around, your instinct is to cling to him, which is probably making him a little frustrated. I think that you really need to respect (and enforce) his request for space.

Do not do his laundry, bring him dinner, etc … let him cook and clean for himself, get out of the house in the evenings/weekends, even if it just means taking a book to a coffee shop and reading all day. Don’t let him sleep in the bed with you, maybe (if you are feeling kind) make a schedule to take turns sleeping on the couch, otherwise lock the bedroom door and make him sleep on the couch. You need to take away the perks of being with you. No kisses, I love you’s etc for his “trial period”. 

That is what he asked for, so you should enforce it until he decides he made a mistake.

Post # 37
Member
31 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2009

You can give him space and still be supportive. DH and I went through something similar almost 2 years ago, except I was the person with one foot out the door. He would just let me do my own thing, but late at night when I would come home sometimes there would a little note letting me know that if I was hungry there were leftovers in the fridge and he loved me. Sometimes it irked me, but mostly those little (non-pressuring) gestures reassured me that he was just valuing my wish for space, while I sorted everything out. It was rock, and hard as hell to get through, but eventually I we started to talk through our issues until they were non-issues. Good luck joygirl, I’ll pray that you have faith, determination and continued hope in this time.

Post # 38
Member
1751 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

I’m annoyed by reading your fiance’s responses… don’t you just want to smack him? Especially b/c he DID send out the save the dates. I would just not listen to anything he said until he says “I’m sorry.” That involves space, time, and doing whatever the hell you want. I’m sure you can find museums, shops, book stores, places to go where you can veg out for a few hours and make yourself scarce. I’m sorry, but I don’t like when guys get emotional and whiny. You moved to be with him and you just started a new job and all that, it’s natural to be closer to him at this time. He could deal with it as it comes, introduce you to other ladies he knows in the area etc, instead of having outbursts. You are worried about your actions – he should be worried about his! Definitely let him cook and clean and do his own laundry, and definitely don’t feel guilty about it. 

Post # 39
Member
219 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I totally agree with Melissabegins!! I don’t know why his actions/words seem to be completely justified. Take the time for yourself, go out, have fun, do your own thing! Let him realise he is acting like a DB so he can apologise.

Post # 40
Member
1114 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

@joygirl..please let us know how it goes…hang in there!

Post # 41
Member
996 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

aww. i’m sorry to hear that –

i’ll be thinking of you, and keep us updated.

Post # 42
Member
33 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I do understand that you want to do everything you can to make your relationship work, but I cannot understand why you want to be with him so bad when he says he doesn’t want to be with you. I know its not easy (been there, done that) but I do believe that this is a red flag in the relationship and it isn’t going to just go away after 6 weeks and if it does I feel almost positive that it will come back. I think you should talk to someone about it on your own if hes not willing. Maybe a friend from back home, family, or a counselor.

But what I REALLY recommend is that you in fact take his advice and give him space, but not the kind of space you are currently giving him. I reccommend that you go out, make friends, maybe go home for a while. Make him realize that you DO have a life outside of him. I think men have a lot of pressure in a relationship to be the leader and breadwinner, and maybe he just can’t take it right now. So, I think that you should do nothing to “win him back” just make him realize what it would be like if you werent there at all.

I hope everything works out tho, I think there are many options here, but you really should work on yourself and not worry about him right now. Keep us updated!

Post # 43
Member
1837 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

I know you said you don’t know many people… but is there anyone you can stay with for the next few days? Or go on vacation over the weekend. Visit a friend or close family member if you can. Gives him his space & gives you someone else to hang out with so you don’t feel so alone. Hope it all works out soon!

Post # 44
Member
1929 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2008

So sorry you are going through this.  I can’t imagine!

I agree with PP –  I think possibly a week or so apart to each spend some time on yourselves could be good.  I think otherwise you are going to drive yourself crazy trying to win him back – and the reality is that laundry and a covered plate aren’t going to solve these big issues in his mind.  But if you are apart maybe you each can get the space you need to really reflect…..I fear otherwise you are going to drive yourself crazy trying to be the perfect woman for him, when no such thing is possible.  He did propose to you at one point, he just needs time to remember why!!

Post # 45
Member
656 posts
Busy bee

Aww hon Im so sorry your going through this. The only thing I can say is give him space.. You need to focus on you now. Obviously he feels you’re not the same woman you were when you got engaged and thats a problem. I would recommend you reading the book “His needs, her needs”. The book is awesome and has really strengthened my so and my relationship.

Post # 46
Member
266 posts
Helper bee

I agree with serabell that you should go away for a few days.  That will prove to him you can give him his space. And it will allow you to have some control in the situation.  Plus, if I were him having someone do my laundry would drive me crazy if I wanted to be left alone.  He probably needs some time by himself.  I would get busy with something I enjoy and let him see you can be independent.  Counseling is probably your best bet if you are really committed to making this work.  Nothing will change just by 6 weeks passing no matter how hard you try.  Good luck.

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