- 12 years ago
First of all, I really commend you for posting and seeking our our support. We’re here for you! Secondly, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I agree with earlier posters that seeing a counselor and getting support for yourself is essential.
It sounds like you’re spending a lot of your energy thinking about what you can do to make him think, feel, do or act a certain way. I totally understand the urge to do that. But, the harsh reality is that the only thing we have control over in this world is our own actions. We can’t control our own feelings, thoughts, other people’s thoughts, actions – just our reactions/ behaviors to all of those things. It’s scary and painful, but it can also be a little calming and liberating.
I went through something that seems similar. FH and I were engaged. He basically freaked out and said he wanted to break up. We called off the wedding, he stayed with friends here and there for a few months. The two things that were most helpful were going to counseling, and when I finally started letting go of trying to manipulate his behavior. There was such a noticable change in the dynamic between us. It doesn’t mean giving up on the relationship or your hope for the future of the relationship. Getting into the mindset that you can’t control relationships, only your role in them, can be a great building block for a successful partnership in marriage.
If you can, try exercise, some yoga or mindful meditation. I know it sounds insane to consider meditation when you feel like life is spiraling – but doing anything to get out of your head and a little more grounded in the present moment, even for 10 secords can only help.
Hang in there!