- 5 years ago
- Wedding: March 2015
Hello Bees, I must be crazy!
Crazy because I have the most doting Fiance, who is definitely my other half, yet sometimes I have moments when I wish everything worked out with my first boyfriend & things had gone exactly the way the 18 year old me wanted. Fleeting moments where I wish my ex would call or text me to say that he wished I was still his. Even though that’s probably 1% of my time, it still happens. Usually around my birthday (Aug), his birthday (Apr), the date we originally got together (also Apr), the date we broke up (sometime in Sep) & Christmas.
I’m blissful & contented with my Fiance. Even before we got together, he had been interested in me for 7 years. And I met him when I was 14 (and he, 16)! Due to immaturity & such, our relationship never really took off & we both dated others though we met first.
So I dated this other guy from my year in school first. We were 18 & he was my first boyfriend. He was abusive, mad, and pretty much a manipulative psychopath, but I still loved him. As it usually goes with those tales of cheating, one day, he suddenly turned cold towards me & I told him that we should break up (of course I didn’t mean it. I was absolutely blindly in love with him & I just wanted him to turn his attention back to me. Anyway he always said that he would kill me & my family & my dog & then himself if I left him). Suprisingly, we really broke it off that time. He went to chase his new girl for about two months before he suddenly texted & called me saying that he was sorry & he wanted me back, then everytime my heart grew soft & I decide to take him back, he would suddenly spew vicious words like how I’m so stupid and useless and a slut (for giving it up to him after being pushed to for over a year). I don’t even want to remember all the horrible things he said to me, and I’ve done pretty well in forgetting them.
Being with him was such a rollercoaster. He pampered me, doted on me and molded me into being absolutely dependent on him, then he would go off on a self harming, self depreciating rant about how he isn’t good enough for his family etc. During that two years I spent with him, I was in tears almost every other day. If I wasn’t crying because I felt that I couldn’t help him, I was crying because he hurt me, whether emotionally or physically. He never left bruises or any marks on me, but my wrists still hurt from those times he used to grab me.
For the next year after that, he would contact me every month, and stupidly, I allowed him to. When he cheated on that girl, and moved on to no 3, he still contacted me every other month. Then typically around my birthday & christmas to make sure that I’m still thinking about him. I broke things off with my second boyfriend (in hindsight, my rebound) and of course, we didn’t actually get back together in the end. I still feel bad that I broke bf2’s heart even now.
I’m still amazed and thankful that I have not run into bf1 since we broke up over 4 years ago. Ever since I told him earlier last year to leave me alone because I’m in a serious relationship with my Fiance (which he has met before as Fiance & I were very good friends then), he has stopped contacting me completely.
He once told me that he regretted cheating on me, that if he could do it all over again, he would never have hurt me and all that bullshit abusive, manipulative people always spew, but somehow I find myself believing those words. He knows exactly which buttons to push and what to say. (My Fiance is a million times more sincere in words and actions though.)
I sometimes wonder if he stopped contacting me because he felt that he could no longer control me, which logically I know to be the most likely reason, or if it’s a final act of love, which my romantic, stupid heart likes to think. I really should have taken my own advice & ran the moment I felt something was wrong with bf1.
To make things clear, I would/will NEVER get back together with bf1. Fiance is the scone to my clotted cream, the nut in my nutella, the other half of my soul. I know I should share this with my Fiance, and I have to a small extent before, but he simply doesn’t get that it’s all in my head, and takes it as he isn’t enough.
Come on bees, knock some sense into me! Tell me I’m absolutely bonkers for bf1 still taking up space in my head when I should be at my happiest and Fiance should be the only one in residence. If anyone has ever felt the same way, how did you give the freeloader in your head the final boot out the door? Why does this tiny part of my heart still refuse to give up on this arse who will never be coming around again? I thought I was completely over him, but as my trip to Tokyo (where I know my Fiance will be proposing because there’s simply no way he would impulsively plan a trip for nothing) looms closer, thoughts of bf1 are getting more frequent. It’s not a “I still love him and I wish he would whisk me away”, but more of a regretful feeling, like why did I waste so much time with him and why couldn’t he have been like my Fiance, or why wasn’t my Fiance my first love? Or maybe even WHY COULDN’T HE HAVE JUST DONE THINGS RIGHT IN THE FIRST PLACE? WE COULD HAVE BEEN SO HAPPY!
So yeah, I think it’s mostly regret on my wasted time & how I always wanted my first love to be my last.
Thankfully it’s going to be a relatively long engagement because I don’t want thoughts of maybe he’s going to go “I object!” at my wedding. By hook or by crook, I want him out by then. I’m not going to have him gatecrashing my wedding or solemnization even if his presence is only in my head.