(Closed) Almost engaged, but there’s a hitch. NEED ADVICE!

posted 8 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
2867 posts
Sugar bee

UGH!  What an awful situation to be in!  I think you need to tell him that you won’t pressure him and that you love him.  How other people act and their decisions do not reflect how you two will act.  There needs to be hope in a relationship and optimism.

Post # 4
Member
3295 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

i would let him know first, how much you love and support him and his family… and second, that you two are not his parents… my parents are divorced and i have learned from their mistakes (relationship wise). i think that sometimes divorce is not so horrible… my parents are both remarried to people that they are truely in love and in sync with… they were not like that with eachother when they were together. i also think that divorce is a personal choice and if you and him are in love and want to work through your problems… then you will. also… he may not be aware of how long his parents have felt like they fell out of love… or whatever reason they have for divorcing… they may have stayed together for their kids… not for themselves… and thats not the right answer in my opinion. i wouldnt worry too much. just be supportive. and if he is really that paranoid bc you all have the same names… let him know that names are not what decides who stays together and who doesnt. its the people behind the names. good luck 🙂

Post # 5
Member
1104 posts
Bumble bee

That’s really sad 🙁 One of the reasons my Darling Husband was reluctant to get married (to anyone) was because his parents have split up. He had never really seen a happy marriage until he met me (my family is full of them, luckily). He just wasn’t sure how it worked or if he was cut out for it. It can be hard but I’m sure you’ll get through it, just lots of talking and cuddles 🙂

Post # 6
Member
365 posts
Helper bee

My Fiance is 29 now, but when he was in his early 20s, his mother left his father for her current husband and at the time, it was a complete shock to everyone, including Future Father-In-Law.  Fiance and I hadn’t met yet, but I know that it was a horrible, painful experience for him, one which took him a long time to get over.  But life goes on, and now everyone is able to be together for family events and holidays and so on.  Time and laughter really are the best medicines.

That said, I would definitely tell him that you are in this together with him.  Encourage him to lean on you and take extra care to support and comfort him, as well as cheer him up on low days.  And give him time.  I know that proposals are SO SO hard to wait for, but I think you need to step back, be supportive, and give him time to process and deal with his parents divorce.  And hopefully, eventually, he will heal and appreciate your patience and support and realize he can’t do this without you.

 

Good luck to you both!

Post # 7
Member
1752 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

My parents divorced about a year before I met my husband, which was about 6 months after my husband got divorced from his first wife.

My parents divorce made me question what love was supposed to feel like, and how you really find a person, and know that you’ll spend forever with them.

His divorce made him hesitant to get married again.

He was divorced in Sept of 04.  We met in Feb 06.  We got engaged in Feb 09 & married just about a month ago.

It took both of us time to deal with the issues we had revolving around the divorces in our lives… but eventually we did, and we realized that we never wanted to be with anyone else.

Give him time.  Be there to support him… it will be very hard on him.  Adults going thru their parents divorce is sometimes harder than children.  When some time has passed, and he is feeling better about the situation.. you can address it then.. but I would assume that you probably wouldn’t get engaged too soon after this.

How long have you been together?

Post # 8
Member
2821 posts
Sugar bee

If I remember right, Ms. Seahorse (a bee blogger) has a blog or two about this and how it was really hard on her to be planning a wedding while her parents were going through a split.  She might be a good person to talk to to understand what your boyfriend is going through and what the mixed emotions are and how to best deal with them.

Post # 9
Member
6661 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

Okay, every single adult in both of our families over the age of 40 has been divorced at least once. My parents are still married to each other, but both on their 2nd marriage. DH’s Dad is on his 3rd marriage to his stepmom who was also marreid before. DH’s Mom is remarried. All of our aunts and uncles have been divorced (most remarried happily though).

Darling Husband also had hesitations about marriage because of this. In fact, we almost didn’t get engaged because of this very issue. He knew he wanted to marry me, but was waffling about the commitment because of the fear of divorce.

Honestly instead of trying to convince him why it would ‘never happen to us’ I just told him that i understood where he was coming from, but gave him an ultimatum. I didn’t see an end in sight to his worries and didnt’ want to be strung along forever, especially once we moved in together. I told him to get over it and propose (in nicer words) by X date or he had to move out. He was mad at first, but I stood firm and said I couldn’t keep waiting and hoping that he could get over his fears. He had to take a chance if he wanted to stay with me.

I had a ring on my finger no joke 2 weeks later. And to this day he thanks me for pushing him.

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